Friday, 31 July 2009

Quick quip

Bedlam Quotes.

Thanks once again to Alan's impeccable fund of knowledge.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. - H. L. Mencken

Love it, Alan. Quick quips are great. Send us some more ASAP.

Articles of interest
The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Water Recycled - Water Efficiency

End of post - Quick quips.

Apt quotation

Bedlam Quotes.

I love this quote that Alan found.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H. L. Mencken

If YOU know any funny or apt quotes, please send them in.

Articles of interest
The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Water Recycled - Water Efficiency

End of post - Apt quotation

The little boy and circumcision.

Bedlam Humour.

Fred Ashford has emailed yet another joke . If you like it, please, please, remember to give it a thumbs up or even better, a brief review - just a couple of words to say you like it, on Stumble to let other people know....

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

I love it, Fred. I'm getting a bit low on jokes now, so send as many as you can.

Why not try Women's Fiction for your next Kindle book

End of post - the little boy and circumcision
Next post - Bedlam Humour: Who Wears Trousers

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Joke - Who wears the trousers

Bedlam Humour.

Here's another joke from Alan. Hope it's to your taste.

The society newlyweds are relaxing in their honeymoon suite in the London Hilton after their Westminster marriage. The bridegroom decides he ought to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

The honourable Percival de Marsac removes his trousers and tosses them towards her. “Here,” he says, "Put those on."

The blushing bride says, "I can't possibly wear your trousers."

He grins, "And don't forget it! I’m the one to wear the trousers in this family!"

The bride removes her delicate lace knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He grimaces, "I can't get into your knickers!"

“No!” She folds her arms, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Thanks Alan. If you have any more, please send them in.

Articles of interest
The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Water Recycled - Water Efficiency
End of post - Who wears the trousers

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Special offer....All the sex you want

Bedlam - news.

Special offer

Here's a novel way of beating the recession. Brothels in Germany are offering a deal similar to the 'all you can eat' promotions that restaurants have been pushing - except this time it's a special offer of all the sex you can take.

Brothels, which are legal in Germany, are offering all the sex you want for a flat rate fee - I'm not sure how many takers there'll be, after all, like in restaurants, there's only so much you can digest at one sitting.... But there are always some greedy ones aren't there....

Original article here.

Articles of interest
The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Water Recycled - Water Efficiency

End of post - All the sex you want.

joke - The Indian with one testicle

Bedlam - humour.

Finally the tree has been cut into log-sized chunks, kindling, and scree. It'll need to dry for a few months before it's dry enough to use, but it should save a few euros once it has done. Now I should be able to get on with the next job.... Will there ever be an end?

John Evans has sent this joke - I loved it.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he said. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ??? Oh, come on, take a guess !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

Thanks John. Hope to receive more from you soon.

Articles of interest
The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Water Recycled - Water Efficiency
End of post - The Indian with one testicle.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Joke - Irish medical dictionary

Bedlam - humour.

We've been getting rid of brambles from the hedge at the bottom of the garden - uggggh! They're a damn nuisance - they trail everywhere -get into everything - hurt like mad when they catch you. I think I'll have to cut them back as far as I can then pour bleach or something over them - any ideas????

Fred Ashford has just emailed another joke, so I'm pasting it direct onto my blog. Hope you like it. Give it a thumbs-up if you do.


Artery................ The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria..

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..................What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan..................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.

Colic........................A sheep dog..

Coma......................A punctuation mark

Dilate......................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula......................A small lie.

Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain.............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................A higher offer.

Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.

Node.........................I knew it..

Outpatient...............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis........................Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.......Place to do upholstery.

Rectum......................Nearly killed him.

Secretion...................Hiding something.

Seizure.......................Roman emperor.

Tablet.........................A small table.

Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.......................One plus one more.

Urine............................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms...............To be sure, to be sure

Excellent, Fred. Love them.

End of post - Irish medical dictionary.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Joke - The ladies, the sauna and toilet paper.

Bedlam - humour.

It's been a funny-old day. It's been mostly sunny, in fact, red-hot; yet we've had a few spots of rain which made it very humid. I wonder if it means there's a storm brewing...

I'm still sawing away at the trees - cutting them into log-sized chunks - when will it end? If anyone wants to lend a hand - feel free. I've loads more jobs to do - and here I thought I was supposed to be a writer.....

Thanks to John Evans for sending me this joke. At least I've been able to smile.

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm'.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally
said........ . Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!'

Wonderful, John. Absolutely bloody hilarious. Keep them rolling.

End of post - The ladies, the sauna and toilet paper.

Joke - Aliens are coming

Bedlam - humour.

I've had a joke AND a message from Jack Chambers. I was so chuffed I just have share it with you.

Tony, thought I'd send you a joke.... By the way I have now read your book. I know it's taken me a long while, but I don't read much. I thought it was splendid. Once I started I couldn't put it down. Great stuff. I am now like every one else, waiting for the next one.... Regards for now ... Jack

This won’t affect you so don’t panic, but there’s been an Urgent Government Warning.

Aliens are coming to earth on Saturday. Apparently, their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy people. I'm emailing you now to say goodbye, because I have so many things to put straight and probably won’t have time to meet you.

Loads of laughs. Very funny, Jack. Hope there's more to come - before you go. Thanks for the message. I really appreciate it.

End of post - Aliens are coming.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Joke - suicidal

Bedlam - humour.

Been swimming in the pool this afternoon - great. Managed to cool it down to 33C so it felt a bit better. Hope it's calm tonight so I can leave the cover off again. I don't like it getting too hot -

Here's a joke from Alan. Hope you like.

Basil felt down in the dumps, and he called the Samaritans helpline. Like all places they’re cutting back and he was eventually connected to a call centre in Pakistan... Well they're all there aren't they.

He told them he had nothing to live for – was getting suicidal. They got all enthusiastic and asked if he knew how to drive a truck.

Thanks Alan - Lol.

End of post - suicidal.

Joke - the wise man and the bag

Bedlam - humour.

I enjoyed my day out at Benidorm yesterday - purchased a few things, wandered around, found where we need be gathering in November, and sipped a couple of brandy and coffees whilst watching the world go by.... Great stuff... need more of it but always seem too busy.

Here's another contribution from Fred Ashford. If you like it, please vote it up on Stumble or Digg.

A wise man once said, "You should treat a woman like a vacuum cleaner, when they stop sucking, replace the bag.”

Lol. Keep sending them, Fred. Wouldn't like to do without.

Next post on Bedlam.

End of post - The wise man and the bag.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Joke - The dumb blonde and a question of shit.....

Bedlam - humour.

I'm still ploughing my way through the tree I cut down. It's taking me longer to cut it into log-size portions than to chop it down in the first place. It'll probably be equivalent to one load of wood though, so it should save me about 110 Euros this winter. It's hard work though - wouldn't want to do it for a living.

This joke was sent in by Allan, PLEASE give it a thumbs up on Stumble, Digg etc.

A stranger seated himself next to a dumb blonde on the long-haul flight. He made it obvious that he was eyeing her up. Eventually he said, "I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.”

The dumb blonde, who had opened her book to put him out of her mind, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "And just what would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about thermal dynamics?"

She arched an eyebrow. "Let me ask you a question first.”

“Okay,” grinned the stranger, glad to be in conversation. “Why not.”

The blonde said, “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, don’t they?”

“They sure do.”

“Yet,” she said, “A deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out flat pats, and a horse produces clumps of what looks like dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thought about it then said, "Hmmmmm, I really have no idea"

At which point the dumb blonde opened her book once more and said incisively, "Then do you really feel qualified to discuss thermal dynamics when you don't know shit?"

Very funny, Allan. Please send more-

End of post - The dumb blonde and a question of shit.

Joke - Paddy and one last fart.

Bedlam Humour

I thought I'd share this joke from Jack Chambers with you. Hope you find it okay. Remember to give it a thumbs up on Stumble if you do.

Paddy was in the pub when he was overcome with a desperate needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he carefully timed his farts with the beat.

He became more confident and farted more, getting the timing JUST right. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better, his guts more easy.
He finished his pint with one long, last fart, but when he looked up he noticed that everybody was staring at him rather strangely. Then he suddenly realised that he was listening to his iPod.

Love it, Jack.


Thursday, 23 July 2009

Bedlam humour - The three prostitutes

Bedlam - Humour.

Wow! It's been exceptionally hot these last few days here on the Costa Blanca. It was still 37C (99F) at 7:30 pm last night - melting time. The pool is over 34C (93F), so there isn't a lot of respite there.

Jack Chambers emailed me another joke - maybe a bit on the dark side - but so what. Enjoy. It doesn't cool you off but it makes you smile.


Three Prostitutes, all hate life, make a pact to commit suicide together. They climb onto a tall building, and the first flops off, and lands on the pavement. It took a week to clean up her mess.

The second took a really high leap, and somersaulted onto a car. It took a month
to clean her up.

The third took an exceptionally high leap, and landed on a lamp-post. It took years to wipe the smile off her face!

Thanks for that Jack. Keep sending them in.

End of post - The three prostitutes.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Bedlam jokes - The cowboy and his bride.

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has emailed yet another joke from his inexhaustable supply. Hope you enjoy.

A cowboy and his wife just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said "We're on our honeymoon and need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked and said, "You want the bridal, sir".

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment, frowned then drawled, "Nope, I reckon not. I'll maybe hang onto her ears until she gets used to it though...."

Thanks Fred, very funny. Hust hope it doesn't float over too many heads.....

End of post - The cowboy and his bride

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Bedlam humour - one liner

Bedlam humour.

Here's a simple one-liner from Fred Ashford. Hope you like it.

Why do we press harder on the remote when we know the batteries are flat?

A truism if ever I heard one. Short but sweet. Keep 'em rolling Fred.

End of post - Bedlam humour - one liner.

The unfaithful wife

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from Fred Ashford. Hope you like it -

Feeling very depressed, a man walks into the clubhouse and orders a triple scotch.

"That's a big drink," says the steward pouring the drink. "Is there something wrong?"

"Well," says the man, knocking the drink back in one. "I got home and found my best friend fornicating with my wife."

"Goodness," says the steward. "No wonder you need a stiff drink." He reaches for the bottle. "The next one's on the club..... So what did you do?"

"I walked over to the wife and told her it was over. I told her to pack her bags and get out."

"That makes sense," says the steward nodding sympathetically. "But what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well," says the man, tears in his eyes, voice slurred with emotion. "I walked over to him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!" and refused to take him for a walk even though he obviously wanted to."

End of post - The unfaithful wife.

Monday, 20 July 2009

Joke - a short fairy tale....

Bedlam humour.

Here's a quick one-liner contribution from Mark P. Sadler, author of 'Blood on His Hands'.

If you like it, please give it a thumbs up on Stumble or Digg to let others know about it.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

So, the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

Thanks for that Mark. Looking forward to more.

End of post

Bedlam Jokes - The nagging wife in Jerusalem

Bedlam Humour.

Thanks to Fred Ashford for emailing this joke. If you have anything to offer please send it in for consideration.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker said curiously, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man looked him in the eye, "Well, as I recall, a long ago a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead..."
The undertaker smiled. "That's right."
"I simply can't take that chance."

Great stuff, love it, Fred. Looking forward to more.

End of post - The nagging wife in Jerusalem.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Bedlam Jokes - The way to treat wives

Bedlam humour.

Here's a joke from a new contributer, Evan. May there be many more. If you like the joke, please vote it up on Stumble or Digg.

A couple of days ago, Barry was sitting on the patio, relaxing and drinking beer while watching his wife mow the lawn.

Lorna from next door saw him and was so upset that she came over and yelled at him...."You lazy pr*ck sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around ! Get up off your arse and give her a break !"

Evan thought shit ! ... women. He took another swig from my beer, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his sun glasses, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms F*ck off and mind your own business, my wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".

After a few days he started to feel really bad about the thing, so went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show his sensitive side.

He was very proud of the deal he got. He is also proud that his wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. After all, he reasoned, we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

Thanks for that, Evan - great joke. If you find more, please send them in.

End of post - The way to treat wives.

Saturday, 18 July 2009

Restaurant Paraiso

Bedlam - Party

A handful of us decided to have a night out at the Restaurant Paraiso, in Parcent last night.

Great stuff - live music, dancing, and good food - made all the better for eating outdoors.

End os post.

Bedlam jokes - short collection

Bedlam humour.

Another set of jokes from John Evans. Thanks John. If you have more, send 'em in, I love 'em.

If you like the jokes, please don't forget to give it a thumbs up on Stumble or Digg to let other people know about it.

Henry went to see the nurse for his annual check-up. She told him he had to stop wanking. When he asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


I just saw that Harry Potter film. It’s VERY unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, who ever heard of a ginger kid, with TWO friends?


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning." He replied, "Mourning? No, just having a shit."


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?


Paddy was walking down the road when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Thanks for the contribution John. Brilliant , as usual.

End of post

Friday, 17 July 2009

Joke - Contagious or not....

Bedlam - humour.

This is another contribution from John Evans. Thanks John. If you have any more, send them in.

A teacher asked her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland, the teacher's favourite, jumped up and said, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," said the teacher. "Now would anyone else like to try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, put up her hand, "Please teacher, my grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's VERY contagious."

"Well done, Katie," said the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumped up and said in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

The teacher fainted.

Very funny, John. Love it. If YOU like it, please help others to see it by giving it a thumbs up on Stumble or Digg.

End of post.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Joke - The old man and skinny-dipping girls

Bedlam - humour

This contribution came from John Evans. Thanks John - hope you find more.
If you like the joke, please give us a thumbs up on Stumble or Digg.
Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was well shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up then made it nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been for a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed loudly to make the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the young women shouted to him, 'Hey, we're not coming out until you leave! So you might as well bugger off.'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
'And a good job too.'
'I certainly haven't,' he said. Holding the bucket up he continued, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Thanks, John. ......Just goes to show, some of us can still think fast even if we are old. Looking forward to some more. Get your fingers twiddling...

End of post - skinny-dipping girls.
Looking for a good read? Try:-

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Joke - The Italian boy and the loose girl

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has just emailed yet another new joke. I don't know where he gets them from. Please help by giving the thumbs up on Stumble and Digg -

The boy settles into the confessional and says, 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

Joey gave a satisfied smirk. '4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Thanks Fred. Send another as soon as you can.

End of post - The Italian boy and the confessional.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Joke - Getting old

Bedlam - humour.

Here's yet another contribution from Fred Ashford.

Wife:- What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

Husband:- Take off your bra. That'll pull them out.


Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


Great stuff. Thanks Fred.

End of post - Getting older.

Joke - Donald Duck and Daisy

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has come up with another little gem. Many thanks Fred.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thucking thuffocate’

Thanks once again to Fred Ashford.

End of post.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Joke - The ole biker and the hand job....

Bedlam - humour.

I have to thank Jack Chambers once more for this joke. I love it. If you do, please give it a thumbs-up on Stumble or Digg.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00




HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Absolutely great. Thanks Jack.

End of post

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Joke - Cleaning the shit.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent me another humorous piece. Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy. If you enjoy the post, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg or any other Social Bookmark service you use.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was. I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud.. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day demanding that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see...... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. A terrific social system.

Then the illegal immigrants streamed in by hundreds of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for THEIR free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the British Flag. are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!

Thanks for that contribution Jack. Some great principles there.

End of post - Cleaning the shit.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Joke - The senior citizen and sperm

Bedlam - Humour.

Wow! Fred Ashford has come up with yet another joke. Where the hell does he get them from?

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say? What do I need to do? It sounds very complicated."


Hilarious. Thanks Fred. Told from personal experience maybe.... Hope you can drag some more jokes in.

If you like the joke, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg, or whatever other social bookmark you may use..

End of post - The senior citizen and sperm.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Joke - The Catholic priest

Bedlam - Humour.

Okay, so here's another joke. If you're offended.... tough. I like it.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually only comes on a boy's face after he's 12 years old....

Hope it was to your taste. If it was, don't forget to give it a thumbs up on Stumble.

End of post - The Catholic priest.

The Texan and the tight skirt

Bedlam - Humour.

Once again Fred Ashford has contributed a joke. I'm glad he keeps finding these gems. Keep 'em rolling, Fred. May there be many more.

If you like the post, please remember to give it a thumbs up on Stumble, Digg or your favourite Social bookmarking site, to let other people know about it.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

Thanks once more Fred. Very funny....

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Joke - the virgin and the pasta

Bedlam - humour.

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers. If you like it, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg or whatever social bookmark you use.

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama,Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Thanks for sending that Jack - superb.



End of post - The virgin and the pasta

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

More supermarket shit

Bedlam - comment.

Do you purchase fruit from a supermarket? We do, we get our stuff from Mercadonna. Why do the bastards insist on sticking germ-ridden labels onto soft fruit? It isn't just Mercadonna, it seems to be all supermarkets.

Is it the supermarkets, the distributors or the producers who slap them on? I've no idea, but it's so damn unnecessary. What does it do? What does it prove? All that happens is we scrape them off WITHOUT looking .

Future purchases.

We aren't damn well interested in what it says. We've already bought the stuff. We're not going to be swayed into buying more by a horrible sticky label. WE'RE MORE LIKELY TO BE PUT OFF PURCHASING IN THE FUTURE.

It's horrible!

We're the ones who have to scrub the damn fruit to get rid of the germs and bacteria trapped beneath. It's a VILE habit.

Mr. Supermarket Manager, listen to me. Even if it isn't you who's responsible, YOU have the power to do something about it.

It's a dirty, stupid, unnecessary and disgusting habit. Stop bloody doing it. Leave our fruit alone... Don't stick those disgusting little labels on.

End of post.

Joke - the two dwarfs.

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has just emailed me another joke. Hope you enjoy..... If you do, please give me a thumbs up on Stumble, Digg or whatever Social Bookmark site you use....
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'

The first mutters, 'It was very embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bloody bed.'

Great stuff. Thanks for that Fred.

End of post - The two dwarfs

Monday, 6 July 2009

Joke - The chicken farmer and coincidence

Bedlam - humour.

Here's great joke from the fun loving Jack Chambers.

The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled secretively, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'


Thanks for sending that, Jack. Keep sending them in ....

End of post - The chicken farmer and coincidence.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

joke - Call centre conversations

Bedlam - humour.

Once again I have a submission from Fred Ashford.....Hope you enjoy, I did.

These are Real call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'..

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'..
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

There's always one. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance. May I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Hope you enjoyed. I fell about laughing. Thanks Fred.

End of post - Call centre conversations

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Lorries and Jalon

Bedlam - comment.

I wish to inform the driver who left his lorry on the roundabout in Jalon, Spain, with the engine running that there are better places to park when you want to pee.

End of post - Lorries and Jalon


Friday, 3 July 2009

Joke - The golfing nun

Bedlam - humour.

Fred ashford has sent me yet another joke from his bottomless pit of funnies.......


It's evening, and a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister in anguish, 'Because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

Thanks Fred. Hope you don't run out....

End of post - Joke - The golfing nun


Amy Winehouse and the swimming pool

Bedlam - comment.

Jeez! AMY WINEHOUSE is at it again.

Management at the Caribbean resort where AMY WINEHOUSE is staying have now banned her from taking a swim in their pool.

Staff at the Cotton Bay holiday complex in St Lucia became concerned at AMY’s practice of taking a dip after lengthy drinking sessions. They were worried she might drown so banned her for safety reasons.

Apparently, staff came across AMY on several occasions crumpled on the grass by the pool after swimming.

One of the staff said, “She’s regularly drinking large quantities of wine and rum and no one in her condition should be going anywhere near water.”

And I agree entirely. It's about time Amy started behaving like a human-being instead of a prat. Just what will she get up to next?


Thursday, 2 July 2009

Joke - Lady luck

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending me this.

Lady Luck.

Can you believe it? What are the mathematical chances of having two lots of good luck in only 2 days? This guy wins Lotto on a Wednesday, and then finds a fiancé just 2 days later.

Nice one Jack. Keep 'em rolling.

End of post - Joke, - Lady luck

Joke - 100% effort

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks again to Fred Ashford for this joke.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K -N-O -W-L -E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I-T -U -D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B -U -L -L -S-H-I -T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Thanks Fred. Many a true word is spoken in jest.....

End of post - Joke - How can you give 100% effort


Wednesday, 1 July 2009

What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks?

Bedlam comment.

What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks? They piss me off.

Everywhere you turn they're turning car parking areas into building plots and high-rise apartment blocks. I've seen it time after time in Calpe and Benidorm. What was once a neat little area for parking is suddenly ringed with wire-mesh fencing, then a building appears....

... And what does a high rise apartment mean.... loads more people .... and with people come cars. Are the planners REALLY so dense they can't see what's happening. Towns are becoming no-go areas for traffic - business is squeezed.

In Jalon (Xalo) there were two nice little areas for parking, then along came the developers and they shoved a medical centre on one of them - which brings in more people - with less places to park the bloody cars they come in. Just which thick-shit council member is responsible for planning this?

In the centre of Jalon (Xalo) are a few marked out parking spots, and what happens .... the bloody council allows one of the bars to shove table and chairs on them. Who the hell twisted their brain cells to come up with that one? I swear one of these days I'll ram my car into them.

I need to visit a medical clinic in the middle of Calpe next week, so today I went to find where it was. Could I find a parking spot .... could I hell. We drove around for ages until we spotted someone leaving a tiny slot ... and jumped in.

When will Spanish authorities realise that in the 21st century we NEED car parks. This isn't the middle ages where donkeys rule. In the UK you find car parks anywhere and everywhere, you put a coin in a slot and park up. People who run UK car parks actually MAKE money.

Surely it's not beyond Spanish intellect to grab a money making scheme when it's flaunted so obviously. Property is not selling, why not make money from parking spots?

Come on Mr. Spain. Build car parks not apartments, and charge people for parking on them. No one is buying your apartments. Car parks bring in money forever......

End of post - What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks?