Thursday, 23 August 2012



This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw - yet another pearl of humour from his endless source

  1. I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  2. I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
  3. When chemists die, they barium.
  4. Jokes about German sausage are the vurst.
  5. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  6. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  7. · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  8. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
  9. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  10. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
  11. I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
  12. They told me I had type A. blood , but it was a Type- 0.
  13. dyslexic man walks into a bra
  14. PMS jokes aren't funny, period
  15. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  16. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz.
  17. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
  18. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  19. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
  20. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
  21. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  22. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  23. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  24. Broken pencils are pointless.
  25. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
  26. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
  27. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  28. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy marx.
  29. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
  30. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  31. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  32. Velcro, what a rip off!
  33. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  34. Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
  35. Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
  36. I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
  37. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Olympic Bloopers


This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw, from Leek, Staffordshire:
Here are the top 9 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they'd like to take back
1. Weightlifting commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator:
"One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Saturday, 18 August 2012

The Last

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke:
The Thames river police stop two Pakistanis' in a row boat, rowing towards central London. "The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts, "We are invading the United Kingdom."

The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says, "Just the two of you? I think you'll need more than that."

The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts, "We're just the last two. The rest are already here!"

Friday, 17 August 2012

Bedlam Humour: A Brick Wall

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent in this joke:
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

“For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?" 

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: A Slippery Slope

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Seat on a slippery slope

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire has sent this article from the local paper, the 'Post & Times.'

Seat on a slippery slope...
IS THIS a new seat of leaning?

Retired engineer Mick Barr couldn't believe his eyes when he saw how this new bench had been installed in Brough Park, Leek. It sits at a sharp angle, matching the steep slope leading from the park up to St Edward's Church.

Mick, aged 74, who lives in Leek, told the Post & Times, "When I first saw it, I thought the council would come back and reset it level, but it's been left at an impossible angle.

"Surely it would have been simple to dig out a level base in the first place. Anyone who is infirm could have trouble sitting there. It's one of the steepest banks in the park."

A spokesman for Staffordshire Moorlands District Council, which is responsible for the park, told the Post & Times that the seat would be reinstalled on a level base as soon as possible.

He said, 'We have replaced a number of worn seats and provided four extra ones at the request of the Friends of Brough Park.

"For reasons which are not yet clear, our contractors placed this one at an angle.

"We have asked them to level the base this week."