Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Sex On Mars

Bedlam - Humor

This joke was sent in by Jack Chambers:
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No p rob lem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long..

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Great laugh, Jack. Do you get many headaches.... Lol.

A True Friend

Bedlam Humour

This has been sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton

Love it guys - very true, very funny. Thanks for sending it.

Mums in Group Therapy

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent in yet another joke:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this bloke has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

Thanks Ed - love it.

Looking for a good read? Try:-

Past Sins - Contemporary fiction

Monday, 29 August 2011

Where Do Dead Penguins Go?

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw, from Leek, has been sending jokes again:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Lol. I like it, Ed. Thanks for sending it.

Looking for a good read? Try:-

Past Sins - Contemporary fiction

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Night Nurse


Jack Chambers has sent another joke:
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!' 

So funny - thanks, Jack

Next post: Bedlam Humour: Jewish Genie

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Bedlam Humour: The Jewish Genie

Bedlam Humour

Once again, I'm indebted to Jack Chambers for sending a joke:

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.


If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

Way to go, Jack - very funny.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Postman Pat's Last Day

Bedlam - Humour

Again, Jack Chambers has come up trumps with this joke:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18- carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the fiver for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you'. He said, 'F*** him. Give him five pounds.' She smiled prettily. 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Great stuff Jack. Thanks for sending it.

If you enjoyed this, please give it a thumbs-up on Stumble...

Looking for a good read? Try:-

Past Sins - Contemporary fiction

Monday, 22 August 2011

The Four Hour Erection

Bedlam Humour
Once again, Jack Chambers has sent a joke:

Jim walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.
Jim said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Jim then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses
Totally funny, Jack. Thanks for sending it. 

Love Story

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has been at it again, sending in jokes:

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet  to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............and then said......... 'Get your own f....g blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End

Great laugh, Jack. Thanks.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Magic Moments


Jack Chambers sent this great joke

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Thanks for sending this, Jack - very funny

The Old Lady Doesn't Need to Forgive

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent in this great joke

Toward the end of his Sunday service, the  Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your  enemies?"
Eighty  percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All  responded this time, except one small elderly  lady.
"Mrs. Neely?  Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she  replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old  are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The  congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bastards."  

Love it, Ed. Thanks for sending it. If you like it, please give it a thumbs up on Stumbleupon

Looking for a good read
try Past Sins - contemporary fiction
or Short Moment - collection of short stories

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Furry Logic

Ed Goldstraw has sent this by email:

JANE SEABROOK is an illustrator and designer who lives in Auckland , New Zealand . In recent years, her artwork has focused on paintings of wildlife for the Furry Logic series of books. She shares her life with her husband, two teenage children, and a growing menagerie of assorted animals. Following are some excerpts from her Furry Logic books.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt...

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection.

Thanks, Ed. Fantastic collection and excellent advice

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

The Sharing of Marriage...

Bedlam Humor

Jack Chambers has sent this joke:

The old man placed an order for one hamburger,French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered -- 'THE TEETH.'

Love it, Jack. Thanks...

Short Stories

Monday, 15 August 2011

Italian Pregnancy

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent in this joke:

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..

if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born
, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gotta
try again, son.'

Lol... Good one Jack...

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Farmyard Sounds

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this joke -

Thanks, Ed. Your farmyard humour hasn't changed I see.... Lol...

Monday, 8 August 2011

ATM Crimestopper

Bedlam Info

This information was sent in by Jack Chambers. I hope I never need to use it, but it's useful to know. Thanks Jack.

ATM PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know !!
If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse. 
For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.

All ATMs carry this emergency sequencer by law.
This information was recently broadcast on by Crime Stoppers
however it is seldom used because people just don't know about it.
Please pass this along to everyone.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends

Bedside Confession

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent this joke.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're a bleeding jinx...

Thanks Jack - love it.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

The Things Kids Say

Bedlam Humour

 Ed Goldstraw sent me this joke. Hope you like it...
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
Keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Don't change horses
Until they stop running.
Strike while the
Bug is close.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of
You can lead a horse to water but
Don't bite the hand that
Looks dirty.
No news is
A miss is as good as a
You can't teach an old dog new
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust
The pen is mightier than the
An idle mind is
The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's
Happy the bride who
Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is
Not much.
Two's company, three's
The Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
You put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not
Spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed
Get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
When the blind lead the blind
Get out of the way.
A bird in the hand
Is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER
Better late than

Great stuff - really funny. Thanks Ed.