Saturday, 23 April 2011

Census Form

Bedlam Humour   

Ed Goldstraw has sent this amusing email. (In the UK you can be fined for not filling in the census form).

They sent my Census form back!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put, 'Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS,  half of f****ng Europe, North Africa and the Middle East.
Apparently, although true, this was not an acceptable answer 

Very funny, Ed. I like it. 


Seamus and Murphy Are Broke

Bedlam Humour

Fred Ashford has sent this joke

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have much money between them. In fact they could only raise the sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money Left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember Which pub I lost the sausage in.'  

Lol - Great stuff, Fred, thanks. Keep on sending 'em...

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Catholic Heart Attack

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent in a joke. First one for a while from him.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. 

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' 

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.' 

Great one, Jack. Keep 'em rolling... 


Friday, 15 April 2011

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Bedlam Humour

Here's another great laugh from Ed Goldstraw

Thanks Ed - I love it.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

The Blind Bunny

Bedlam Humor

Ed goldstraw has sent yet another joke.

The Blind Bunny:
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That’s perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny replied, "You're cold, you’re slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... I think you must be a politician."
Thanks Ed - very funny.

The Nudist Colony

Bedlam Humour 

Ed Goldstraw has been active again. Here is his latest joke.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day!!'

Loads of laughs, Ed. Thanks - I love it.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Just What Is A Billion?

Bedlam Humour

Here's an email I had from international model, Micheline de Marsac. This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
  • A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
  • A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
  • A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
  • A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
  • A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Marriage License Tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and Britain was one of the most prosperous countries in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt. We had the largest middle class in the world and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you smell ‘politicians?'

Great, Micheline. Thanks for sending it. You can hardly get your head around stuff like that

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Bert and Margaret

Monday, 11 April 2011

Bert and Margaret

Bedlam - Humour

Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for yet another joke.


Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope." 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." 


"Nope.  Not a clue", she replied. 


Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Great stuff, Ed. Thanks for sending it.
Read This Extract From My Latest Novel