Monday, 31 August 2009

Joke - The Liverpool fan

Bedlam - humour.

Whoa there! Jack chambers has sent a stop press.....

A Primary Teacher in Liverpool explains to her class that she's a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand'?

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replies.

The teacher, still surprised, asks, 'Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then what team do you support?

'I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replies.

The teacher can't believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Manchester United fan?'

'Because my mum is a Manchester United fan, and my dad is a Manchester United fan, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!'

'Well,' says the teacher in an annoyed tone, 'That's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan.'

'Why not?'

'Well....You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiles sweetly, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

Thanks Jack, very funny.

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Joke - sneezing

Bedlam humour.

John Evans has sent another joke - be prepared for a good laugh....
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for a full fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman, smiling, sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. A few more minutes passed, when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.... Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes, thanks...." The woman nodded, "Black pepper."

Very funny. Thanks John - brilliant.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Joke - Old people and sex

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks again, to John Evans for this joke.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady eases up her skirt and the old man fiddles with his trousers and they lean against the fence.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious lovemaking that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Thanks John. I love it.

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Joke - the sergeant major

Bedlam Humour.

John Evans is really going into overtime. Here's another joke from him. I thought it hilarious.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955...'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, ma'am, it's only 2130 now.'

Don't you just love the 24hr clock.... Thanks John.

Next post on Bedlam.

Joke - The Nicoderm patch

Bedlam Humour.

Another joke from John Evans, if you please....
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them glances at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you 're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Thanks John, hope it doesn't offend....

Next post on Bedlam Humour: Holy Mackerel .

Friday, 28 August 2009

Joke - Holy Mackerel

Bedlam Humour

Thanks once more to John Evans for sending a joke.

The Cave.
Written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'
There were a few ahhs and nods of agreement from the audience.
He went on, 'Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.'
The audience applauded enthusiastically and there were loud cheers.
A little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and silenced them by waving his hands. When they were quiet he said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick.'
Very funny John. You hit the mark for me with that one.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Joke - The Englishman, the Frenchman and bubblegum.

Bedlam Humour

Today it's the turn for John Evans to give us a joke. And as always, it's a good one.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread?'
Englishman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread?'
Englishman remains dignified, not wishing to offend: 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'
The Frenchman looks very smug, sits back in his seat and crosses his legs. After a lengthy silence, The Englishman asks politely: 'May I ask, do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk. 'We are well known for our sexual prowess. Not like you cold Englishmen.'
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'Ah.... that's where we differ. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

Thanks John, brilliant.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Joke - The bathtub test for insanity

Bedlam Humour

Once again Jack Chambers has contributed a joke.

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, Frank asked the director how they determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," Frank said. "A test of logic. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Nice on Jack. Put him next to me....

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Joke - The three nuns and St Peter.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent another joke. He's gone into overdrive now after his short break.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and occupy the body of anyone you wish to."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And poof she's gone.

The second one thinks about it for a moment then says, "I want to be Madonna." and poof she's gone.

The third says shyly, "I want to be Sara Pipalini...."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun says, "I read about her in the newspaper last week."

St. Peter delves through all his records scratching his head, then starts laughing. "I think you may have it wrong Sister."

"But I'm sure I read about her."

He hands the tome of words to her and says. "No sister, the paper says the 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Great one Jack. Hope there's a lot more like it.


Monday, 24 August 2009

Joke - The Asian lady exchanging money

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers is back in play after a short rest. He's submitted this joke. It's a good one


An Asian lady in Sydney goes in to her local American Express Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she frowns and asks the teller 'Why it different? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly, '.....Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady narrows her eyes and says, 'Fluck you Aussies too. Now tell me why it different.'

Lol, Jack. Love it.


Joke - It's all explained

Bedlam Humour.

Once again Fred Ashford has sent in a joke. Hope you enjoy.
Tyrone was visiting Leroy, discussing Leroy’s marital problems when Leroy’s doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the delivery boy said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was.

Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, “This here is a sub-peena.”

“I know that.... but what’s a sub-peena for?” Leroy asked.

“Well….” said Tyrone, turning it over in hs hands and studying it. “That’s law talk. Your wife is suing you for a deevorce. We know that ‘sub’ means ‘under’ and ‘peena’ is Latin for ‘penis’, so – ‘sub-peena’ mean under the penis.”

“And what’s that mean?”

“Man, it means she’s really got you by the short and curlies.”

Great one, Fred.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Joke - The big guy, the little guy and an elevator

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has been at it again. He's sent another funny joke. Hope you think so too.
A skinny white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The black guy sees the little guy staring at him and says, “7’2", 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white guy faints and falls to the floor. The black guy kneels down and brings him around by shaking him gently. The big fellow say, “What’s wrong with you, man?”
In a tremulous voice the little guy says, “What did you just say to me?”
The big fellow says, “I saw the way you were looking at me so I figured I’d just answer the questions everyone seems to ask. I’m 7’2” tall and weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.”
The little guy says, “Turner Brown?"
"Sure," says the big guy.
"Thank God!" the little guy breathes a sigh of relief. "I thought you said turn around.”

Lol, Fred. I loved that one. If you like it as well, PLEASE give it a thumbs up on Stumble, to let as many other people know about it as you can.

Saturday, 22 August 2009

A question all pregnant mums want answered

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has sent another joke - hope you like it.

Pregnant Pause--

Brenda pregnant with her first child, visited her obstretician. When the examination was over, she went to the door but paused before opening it. The doctor glanced up from his notes. "Was there something else?" She was quite obviously embarrassed and he gave a friendly smile.
She relaxed a little and said shyly, "My husband wants me to ask you a question."
"Go ahead," said the doctor.
Brenda hestitated again, still obviously embarrassed.
"I know, I know," the doctor said, went over to her and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder," I get asked all the time. Don't worry, sex is fine until quite late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all, " Brenda confessed.
"Well what is it.... Don't worry, there's nothing I haven't heard before."
Brenda lifted her chin. "He wants to know how long I can still mow the lawn!"

Brilliant, Fred. The sort of thing you probably said yourself many years ago???

Friday, 21 August 2009

Joke - Alicia and the homeless woman

Bedlam Humour

Fred Ashford has contributed another joke. I think all you ladies out there might find it amusing .
Alicia was walking down the street when a particularly dirty and shabby-looking, homeless woman, asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Alica took out her wallet, removed ten dollars and said, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I stopped drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' Alicia asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, Alicia said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was rather shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

Alicia smiled secretively, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she's given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Thanks Fred. Have you any more....

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Way Women Think

Joke - The way women think

Bedlam humour.

Nick Wood has contributed another joke. I hope you find it as funny as I did.

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
On the other hand, men are far more straighforward.
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Great one Nick -  keep sending them in.


    Thursday, 20 August 2009

    Joke - A double dose of Viagra....

    Bedlam - humour.

    Fred Ashford, always a good source for jokes has contributed another one. Thanks Fred, any more?
    A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
    "Why not?" asked the man.
    "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
    "But I need it really desperately," said the man.

    "How come, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
    The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday. My ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose. I'll never manage without."

    The doctor gave a sigh and finally relented saying, "Okay, okay! I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
    On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling. The doctor said, "Whatever happened to you?"
    The man flushed with embarrassment, "No one showed up."

    Lol. Good one. Loved it.....
    SHORT MOMENTS - short story collection

    Wednesday, 19 August 2009

    Joke - Women's personal ads

    Bedlam Humour.
    Here's a joke from Nick Wood - I thought it great.

    Adventurous - Slept with everyone
    40-ish - 49
    Athletic - No tits
    Average looking - Ugly
    Beautiful - Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally secure - On medication
    Feminist - Fat
    Free spirit - Junkie
    Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
    Fun - Annoying
    New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
    Open-minded - Desperate
    Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate - Sloppy drunk
    Professional - Bitch
    Voluptuous - Very Fat
    Large frame - Hugely Fat
    Wants Soul mate - Stalker

    Hope you found it as funny as I did. I'll bet you'll think twice next time you see a personal ad....

    Don't mess with old folk....

    Bedlam - humour.

    John Evans has sent a humorous piece - and apparently it's true....


    George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

    George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who said, 'Is someone in your house?'

    He answered quite truthfully, 'No'.

    They told him that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, then phoned the police again. When they picked up he said, 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I just shot them.'

    He hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen took George to one side and said, 'I thought you told us you'd shot them!'

    George looked him over quite steadily. 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

    I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people. Thanks John - any more?

    Tuesday, 18 August 2009

    Joke - Golfer's wives and no knickers.

    Bedlam - humour.

    Here's another joke from the stable of Fred Ashford - enjoy.

    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', the Swede demanded.

    His wife turned to him proudly. 'I would if I could, but you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 50 Euros. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also swirls around in the wind to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

    She replies, 'I can't afford any on the pittance you give me. If you'd give me money, I'd wear them.'

    Patrick is emabarrased and reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 20 Euros. Go buy yourself some underwear to cover that thing up with!'

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. She's a hearty woman, but the wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. The Scot is flabbergasted and says with astonishment, 'Sweet Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers, woman?'

    She explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. It's all I can do ta keep food on the table.'

    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Go tidy yerself up.'

    Lol... I absolutely love it, Fred. Keep sending them in.

    - 4,206 hits

    • Next post on Bedlam.

    Joke - Viagra helps cure sunburn

    Bedlam - humour.

    Fred Ashford has sent another joke. I hope it's to your taste.

    A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
    He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

    The pretty young nurse, just out of training, was rather astounded. She asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
    The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

    Brilliant - Thanks for sending that, Fred. We're always open to more.....
    Everyone- please don't forget to give it a thumbs-up on Stumble below - it's what gets it around.

    • Next joke on Bedlam.

    Monday, 17 August 2009

    Joke - The elderly couple who moved to Texas

    Bedlam - Humour.

    Many thanks to John Evans for sending this joke.

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved from their little terraced house in deepest, darkest Bradford, to Texas in the USA.

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, now that he was in America, and seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

    Margaret looked him over. 'Nope!'

    Bert went into the hallway, took off his jacket, gave his boots a quick shine and went back in again. 'What about now? See anything different?'

    Margaret gave him a cursory glance. 'Nope!'

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, took off all his clothes and walked back into the kitchen completely naked now, except for the boots. He asked a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

    Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down. It was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'


    'Nope', she replied.


    Without batting an eyelid Margaret said, 'Maybe you shoulda bought a hat instead, Bert.'

    I loved that one, John. Keep them rolling. If YOU liked the joke, please spread the word by giving it a thumbs-up on Stumble below.

    - 430 hits

    Sunday, 16 August 2009

    Deader than bread

    Bedlam - quote

    The whiter the bread, the quicker you're dead....

    Saturday, 15 August 2009

    Joke - the barman's wife

    Bedlam - humour.

    Jack Chambers has been at it again. We have another joke from him - and I love it.

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir,' The bartender said, filling a glass and handing it over. 'That'll be one cent.'
    'One CENT?' the man frowned. 'Surely that can't be right.'
    The man took a few sips before pulling a menu towards him and glancing it over. He asked, 'How much for a nice juicy teak and a bottle of wine?'
    'A nickel,' the bartender replied.
    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'That's incredible.'
    'A nickel,' the bartender said firmly.
    'How does this place manage to stay open charging such prices?'
    The bartender shrugged.
    'Where's the guy who owns this place? I must ask what his secret is.'
    The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
    The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
    The bartender replied, 'The same thing as I'm doing to his business down here.'

    Lol! Well done Jack - keep them coming. If YOU enjoyed the joke, please let others know it's here, by giving it a thumbs up on the Stumble button below.


    Read this RedGage review of a Kindle - Romantic Suspense

    Thursday, 13 August 2009

    Quote of the day.

    Bedlam - quotes

    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt

    Hope you like.

    End of post - Quote of the day.

    Joke - Schwartz's private member.

    Bedlam - humour.

    Yet another great joke from Jack Chambers.

    The mortician's assistant was working late one night. He gave the body of Mr. Schwartz one last cursory examination before releasing it for cremation, but made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician said with envy, 'But I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It deserves to be saved for posterity.'

    He carefully removed it, and not knowing what else to do, wrapped it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

    As he took off his coat, he couldn't help but share his exciting discovery with his wife. 'I have something to show you,' he said.

    'Oh, and what's that?'

    'You won't believe,' he said, opening his briefcase. He withdrew the package, ceremoniously unwrapped it, and presented his trophy.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

    Thanks for that Jack. Very funny. If you like it, please vote it up on Stumble.

    -159 hits

    End of post - Schwartz's private member.

    Wednesday, 12 August 2009


    Bedlam - update.

    Just seen the most incredible meteorite over here in Spain (Alicante) 10pm local time - huge red ball about quarter the size of the moon hurtling towards earth - which burned up to nothing. Too late to photograph.

    Shitting myself - the preparation for a colonoscopy

    Bedlam - Update.

    Well - I'm being prepped for a colonoscopy tomorrow.

    Yesterday I had to go on a low fibre diet with no fruit, no veg, no potatoes, no pastry, only boiled fish and plain rice or plain pasta. Today, I can only have water and tea/coffee NO FOOD at all - plus I have to drink this disgusting preparation that makes me want to be sick.

    I took the first stuff at 10am, the second lot is supposed to be at 8pm. In between I'm supposed to drink 2 - 3 litres of water. GLADLY, anything to take away the taste of that yuck.

    The damn stuff is working already - talk about through the eye of a needle. I could hit the eye of a needle at ten paces - suffering. Daren't breath too hard in case I shit myself.

    End of post - shitting myself

    Joke - not this time

    Bedlam - humour.

    Once more Jack Chambers has sent in a joke. Hope you enjoy.

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After a few months, the wife got pregnant and eventually delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified when he saw his red and wrinkled son for the first time, and said with disgust, 'He's the ugliest little buggar I've ever seen.'

    His wife held the baby tightly to her bosom and said tearfully, 'He's not, he's lovely.'

    'He's ugly,' He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    'Of course not,' she said with righteous indignation, then added sofly, 'Not this time!'

    Lol. Thanks Jack.

    End of post - not this time.

    Tuesday, 11 August 2009

    Joke - An affair with golf....

    Bedlam - humor.

    Hey... another joke from Jack Chambers. If you like it, PLEASE take the time to give it a thumbs up on Stumble at the bottom of the blogpost.

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. She looked at him quizzically but did as he said. He gave her a kiss, put on his shoes and drove home.

    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded as he walked through the door.

    He took off his jacket, hung it on the rail and slipped off his shoes. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

    Loads of laughs - love it, Jack. Hope you're not speaking not from experience..... Many thanks.

    End of post - An affair with golf.

    Monday, 10 August 2009

    Joke - Penguins and their dead

    Bedlam humour.

    Here's yet another joke from the never ending store of Jack Chambers. Thanks Jack. May your jokes never run dry.

    Did you ever wonder why you see no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout it's and their, life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice-hole.

    Brill. Thanks for that. Keep your jokes running Jack. If YOU have any jokes, please send them them in for consideration. In the meantime, PLEASE give Jack's joke a thumbs-up on Stumble if you liked it.

    Next post on Bedlam.
    End of post - Penguins and their dead.

    Sunday, 9 August 2009

    Joke - Sandals that make you sexy

    Bedlam - humour.

    Jack Chambers - always a good supplier of laughs - has sent another joke. Please don't forget, give it a thumbs-up on Stumble at the bottom of the post if you like it.

    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'Hey.... you foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in.. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be VERY interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband was dubious. He felt he really didn't need them. He said to the man, 'How could sandals possibly turn you into a sex god?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got 'em on de wrong feet, mon. Dey on de wrong feet!'


    Thanks for that Jack. Keep them rolling in.


    End of post - sandals that make you sexy.

    Saturday, 8 August 2009

    Joke - The wife's money and her last rites.

    Bedlam - humour.

    Here's a joke from Alan. Please support it by giving it a thumbs-up on Stumble at the bottom of the post.

    Mary inherited a load of money from her parents – but like all women hated spending her own money and spent her husband’s instead.

    Just before she died, as she was been given the last rites, she said to her husband, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to promise to take all my money and put it in the coffin with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me. It’s MY money, left to me by my loving parents.”

    He promised to her, in front of the priest, that he would.

    Well, she died and was laid out in the coffin, her husband sat in black, and his friend sat next to him. It was time for the service, but just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the husband stood and said, "Wait just a moment!' He came over with a large box and placed it respectfully in the casket alongside Mary.

    The undertakers screwed the lid of the coffin down, and rolled it away. His friend nudged him, "Surely, you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your wife!"

    The husband said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised her that I’d put that money in that coffin, and I have."

    "You mean to tell me you really put ALL that money in there with her?”

    "Of course I did," said the husband. "I wrote her a check."

    Brilliant joke, Alan, thanks.

    End of post - The wife's money and her last rites.

    Joke - one-liner

    Bedlam - humour

    A quick one liner from Fred Ashford. Please show your support and give it a thumbs-up on Stumble at the bottom of the post....

    Only one in seven dwarfs is happy----

    Thanks Fred - short but sweet.

    End of post - One liner.

    Friday, 7 August 2009

    Joke - The buxom girl, the lemon juice and the priest

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending this joke. Please give it a thumbs up on Stumble at the bottom of the post.

    A buxom young girl, just into puberty, went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young girl said, 'Last night I allowed my boyfriend to remove my clothes.'

    'Ah!' said the priest knowingly. 'And did it stop there?'

    'No, Father. I allowed him to put his hands all over my body.'

    'Oh my child. You indeed need help.'

    'That's not all Father. He made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then slowly drink the juice.'

    The young girl asked, 'And will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.'

    Good one Jack. Thanks.
    End of post - The young girl, the lemon juice and the priest

    Thursday, 6 August 2009

    Joke - How do Yemenis produce slogans

    Bedlam - humour.

    Fred Ashford has sent me a humorous photo and clip. As usual, if you like the blog, PLEASE give it a thumbs-up on Stumble at the bottom of the post to let others know it's here.

    Most Yemenis struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

    So, how do a group of Yemeni protest leaders create most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?

    Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.

    Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!


    Absolutely hilarious Fred. Thanks for sending it in.

    End of post - How do Yemenis produce slogans.

    Joke - Rats in shit

    Bedlam Humour

    Another contribution from Fred Ashford. If it tickles your fancy, please give it a thumbs up on the Stumble button at the bottom of the blog-post. It will really help to get it out to other people.

    Mr. and Mrs. Rat lived deep in the darkest, dankest sewers imaginable .
    Mrs. Rat started complaining (as is her wont, being female), "We have nothing but shit. Shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, and shit for tea."
    Mr. Rat snuffled around the day's excreta-smeared treasures. He said eventually, "Don't worry dear, tonight you're in for a treat."
    "Oh? Have you something special planned?"
    "I sure have."
    "Is it something REALLY special?"
    "It sure is."
    "Something REALLY different?"
    "As different as different can be."
    "Oh tell me what it is," she says excitedly.
    Mr. Rat examines a used condom, shoves it to one side, and beams at her with a wide toothy smile. "Tonight, my dear, I'm going to take you out on the piss".

    Good one Fred. Up to your usual standard.

    *** Joke, joke, joke, joke ***

    End of post - Rats in shit.

    Wednesday, 5 August 2009

    Joke, the little boys who decide to swear

    Bedlam Humour

    Once again, I'm indebted to Fred Ashford for sending me a joke. If you find this one okay, please be kind and give it a thumbs up on the Stumble button at the bottom of the blogpost.

    A seven year old and a four year old were upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' said the seven year old, 'I think it's about time we started to swear.'

    The four year old slowly nodded his head in wide-eyed agreement.
    The seven year old said 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first,then you swear after me, OK?'

    'OK' the four year old agreed tentatively.

    Their mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.

    He looks her straight in the eye and says, 'Who gives a shit. Maybe I'll have some Coco Pops'

    WHACK!! She hit him so hard that he flew out of his chair and across the kitchen. He got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She stared at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 
    'I don't know,' he blubbered, 'But it won't be f*****g Coco Pops.'

    Great one Fred - love it.

    End of post - The little boys who decide to swear.

    Tuesday, 4 August 2009

    Joke - The Essex girl and the school girl

    Bedlam Humour

    Well I guess we'll have to go shopping shortly. I hate the job - like most I suppose. Here's a snippet from Alan. If you like it, please don't forget to give it a thumbs up on Stumble at the end of the post.
    The Essex girl began a job as a voluntary school assistant and was eager to show her superiors how she could help. One day during break time, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The girl closely followed the movement of the others.
    The Essex girl felt sorry, approached, and asked if she was all right.
    The girl said she was.
    A while later, however, the Essex girl noticed the girl in the same place, still by herself, still watching the others like she wanted to be involved.
    Feeling sorry for her, the Essex girl went over to her again and said tentatively, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
    The girl was sceptical but nodded, all the time her eyes on the girls at the other end of the field. Feeling she was making advancement, the Essex girl offered her chewing gum then asked, "How come you’re standing here all alone?"
    "Because," the little girl said with exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

    Well done, Alan. A great joke.

    End of post The Essex girl and the school girl.

    Humourous quote

    Bedlam Quips

    Thanks to Alan for finding this quote.

    It's hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. - H. L. Mencken

    If you have any favourite quips and quotes that you'd like to see on here, then please send them along.

    End of post

    Joke - Alphabet of age

    Bedlam - humour

    I might have sourced a kilo of material to repair the coronation around the swimming pool - might be arriving in the store today. I hope it turns out okay, the splits in the coronation rather spoil the look. Here's hoping - I'm buying work again, but it needs doing.

    Fred Ashford is a ubiquitous sender of jokes. Here's yet one more from his endless supply. I'm very grateful for the contributions. If YOU like the joke, then PLEASE consider giving it a thumbs up on the Stumble button at the end of the post - and a one-word review if you can stretch to it.

    The Alphabet rote.

    A is for apple, and B is for boat,
    We learned it as kids, but now it won't float.
    "Age before beauty" is what we once said,
    But now we should be more realistic instead.

    The REAL Alphabet

    A's for arthritis;
    B's the bad back,
    C's the chest pains,
    Perhaps car-d-iac?

    D is for dental decay and decline,
    E is for eyesight - can't read that top line!
    F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    G is for gas, which we'd rather not mention.

    H is High blood pressure - we'd rather it low;
    I is incisions with scars that still show.
    J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
    K is for knees that crack when they bend.

    L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
    M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
    N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
    O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

    P is prescriptions. We have quite a few,
    Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
    Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
    R is for reflux; one meal turns to two.

    S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
    T is for tinnitus; bells in our ears!
    U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
    V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

    W is worry, at what's going 'round,
    X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
    Y for another year of expanding behinds,
    Z is for zest WE STILL HAVE - in our minds.

    We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
    We now keep twenty-six doctors employed.


    Fred that's hilarious - probably more so because I recognize myself in there.... Thanks for submitting it.

    End of post - The rote of age.

    Monday, 3 August 2009

    Joke - The Essex girl and the car.

    Bedlam - humour.

    Here's a beauty from Alan. Thanks for sending it, Alan. Hope there's more where that came from. If you like it, please, please, give it a thumbs up on Stumble to let more people know about it. It's at the bottom of each post, so it should be no problem.

    An Essex girl was having a load of problem selling her car because it had 250,000 miles on the clock. No one wanted to know. She discussed the problem with a friend.

    The friend said, "I know how to get rid of it, but it's not going to be legal."

    "I’m not bothered about that," replied the Essex girl. "All that matters it that I’m able to sell it. It’s just about clapped out."

    "Okay," replied the friend. "Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a garage. Tell him I sent you, and he’ll turn the clock back. It shouldn't be a problem to sell then."

    The following weekend, the Essex girl took a trip to the mechanic on the friend's advice.

    About one month after that, the friend saw the Essex girl and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

    "Certainly not!" replied the Essex girl. “There’s no need.”

    “Oh, why’s that?”

    "Well now your friend has finished messing with it, it only has 30,000 miles on it, so I’d be a fool to let it go."

    Great one, Alan. Very funny.

    End of post - The Essex girl and the car.

    Joke - one-liner

    Bedlam Humour.

    Well, we had a lovely meal last night at Restaurant Salamanca in Jalon. It was a real treat for us; I decided to start with potato skins and cheese. We both had chicken with cream and mushroom for the main course --- buggar the waist for one night.

    Thanks to Fred Ashford for sending me yet another one-liner - short but sweet - that's how we like it sometimes.

    " Fighting for peace is like shagging for virginity"-----

    Once again, thanks for that, Fred. Keep 'em rolling.

    End of post - One-liner.

    Sunday, 2 August 2009

    Joke - Before and after marriage

    Bedlam - humour.

    We had a great meal at home last night - stuffed aubergine to start, followed by chicken breasts with brandy and green-pepper cream sauce. But tonight's ought to be even better. We've decided to splash out and take a meal at the Restaurant Salamanca in Jalon - love the place.

    Fred Ashford sent another joke. I think it's hilarious. If you like it, please take the time to give it a thumbs up, OR a two word review on Stumble. That's all it takes to let others know about it.

    Before and After marriage.

    Before - once a night,
    After - Once a month
    Before - Once upon a time,
    After - The End.
    Before - You leave me breathless,
    After - You suffocate me.
    Before - Don't stop,
    After - don't start.
    Before - Be by my side,
    After, get to one side.
    Before - Erotic,
    After - neurotic.
    Before - She likes how he takes control
    After - She says he's a selfish manipulator.
    Before - Last night we did it on the sofa.
    After - Last night I slept on the sofa.

    Thanks for that Fred, please keep sending them in.

    The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
    Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
    Water Recycled - Water Efficiency

    End of post - Before and after marriage.

    Saturday, 1 August 2009

    Joke - the doctor and his patient

    Bedlam Humour.

    The silly season is on us again.

    We live on the outskirts of an inland village in Spain and Fiesta time is with us. It's nice to see all the fuss and glamour that goes with these traditional festivities - all the fun, all the activities ---

    What isn't so great is the bloody incessant music from pop-groups that doesn't start until around 1am and doesn't finish until 6am. It's so damn loud we have to close all windows and doors - at a time when it's so hot we need all the air we can find.

    This simply CANNOT be tradition - pop-groups pumping out thousands of watts of putrid rubbish all night??? It's just some wish by brain-dead council members to attract hoardes of visitors to sample their particular brand of noise and shit - but what about the locals? And the visitors aren't so much hoardes as trickles.

    Keep the noise down lads.

    Sorry about the moan - but we've got it all week, so I might moan again soon..... Thanks again to Fred Ashford for emailing this joke. At least it keeps me sane. Once again, if you like the joke PLEASE, PLEASE, give it a thumbs up or better still, a couple of words review on Stumble to let others know you like it.

    Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

    Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."

    But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "Dave, you're a Veterinary Surgeon,".

    Thanks for that Fred. Absolutely great.

    The Herb Rosemary - All You Need To Know About Rosemary
    Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
    Water Recycled - Water Efficiency

    End of post - The doctor and his patient