Wednesday, 29 December 2010

The Husband Store

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me another joke... and I love it...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new Husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
  1. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
  2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going...

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor... There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex... The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lol, Ed. What we've all suspected but never put into words......


Looking for

    Thursday, 9 December 2010

    The Snowman

    Bedlam Humour

    Ed Goldstraw sent in this email and photo

    Love it, Ed. Suprised you didn't think of it years ago......


      Next post

      Wednesday, 8 December 2010

      Catholic Horses

      Bedlam Humour
      Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke.

      One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

      Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

      Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

      Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

      Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

      Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

      Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

      By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

      True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

      Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

      Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

      The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
      Up to your usual standard, Ed. Thanks....

      Saturday, 4 December 2010

      Drink Driving

      Bedlam Humour
      Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke.
      Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

      This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

      Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

      Lol. Thanks Ed. Just what we need before Christmas....

      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Wife from Hell

      Thursday, 2 December 2010

      The Wife From Hell - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Elsie Smith has sent another joke by email

      A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

      The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

      Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

      As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
      'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

      The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar-detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

      As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
      'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

      The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

      The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

      The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

      And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

      The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

      'Only when he's been drinking!!'
      Love it, Elsie. Thanks.

      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Shipwrecked Welshman

      Wednesday, 1 December 2010

      The Shipwrecked Welshman - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Edgar Goldstraw has emailed this joke -

      A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

      Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

      One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

      As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and ..... put his arm around it.

      But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

      After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

      A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

      When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

      Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

      Loads of laughs. Thanks Ed.


      Next post

      Paddy Died - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Jack Chambers has been active again. He sent me this joke.

      Paddy Died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

      As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
      "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.

      "To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

      "So go on, how much did this really cost?"

      "All of it,"
      said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

      "Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

      Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

      Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

      Love it, Jack....

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