Friday, 30 September 2011

The Rectum Stretcher

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent in this joke - perfect...

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stared, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
Great joke, Ed. Thanks.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

42 Incredible Uses for WD-40

Bedlam - Using WD-40

My friend, ex fashion-model Micheline De Marsac, sent this

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red
all around the sides of this beige truck.
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset
and was trying to figure out what to do; probably nothing until Monday morning,
since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully, and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed!

WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser, to protect missile parts.

WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

WD-40 Uses:

  1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
  2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
  3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
  4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen, without making them slippery.
  5. Keeps flies off cows.
  6. Removes lipstick stains.
  7. Loosens stubborn zippers.
  8. Untangles jewelry chains.
  9. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
  10. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
  11. Keeps ceramic/ terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
  12. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
  13. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots .
  14. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
  15. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
  16. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
  17. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
  18. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
  19. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine, for a super fast slide.
  20. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
  21. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
  22. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
  23. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
  24. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
  25. Restores and cleans the roof racks on vehicles.
  26. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
  27. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling
  28. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers, and keeps them running smoothly.
  29. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
  30. Removes splattered grease on the stove.
  31. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
  32. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
  33. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
  34. Removes all traces of duct tape.
  35. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
  36. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
  37. The favorite use in the state of New York: WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
  38. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
  39. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
  40. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
  41. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
  42. If you sprayed WD-40 on the interior of the distributor cap of your car, it will displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P.S. The basic ingredient in WD-40 is: FISH Oil

Thanks Mich - much appreciated


Looking for  Adult Romance Try - WITHOUT REPROACH by Ellie Jones

A Sweet Treat

Bedlam Humour

Fred Ashford sent this joke - But perhaps only the British would get all of it...........................

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts,' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. However, three days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

Thanks Fred -

Essential Informations About Farts

Bedlam - Humour

I love this one - Karen Barnett posted it on Facebook