Saturday, 29 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: The Garage Door

Bedlam Humour

This is another joke from Joyce Critchlow
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Mick and Paddy

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: Mick and Paddy

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow has sent another funny joke -
Walter died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Mm, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, it ain't Wally.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body. Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Well, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Wally'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Walter had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, Paddy said But everybody used to say: 'There's Wally with them two arseholes.'
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Silk Pyjamas

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: The Fisherman and Silk Pyjamas

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Joyce Critchlow, Newcastle under Lyme
A man calls home to his wife on a Thursday and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing trip. We'll be gone for a long weekend, and we'll be staying at a lodge near a river. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic."
"That's nice for you"

"We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office, and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas and robe."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike; but why didn't you pack my silk pajamas and robe like I asked you to do?”

The wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box!"
MORAL: Never, Never, Never, try to outsmart a woman!!!
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: illegal immigrants

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: illegal immigrants

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent in this joke

News Flash from the English coastal area
The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France. 
 Another surprise finding was that the boats were loaded with British nationals, all seniors of pension age. Their claim being that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. 

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. 

We are booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.
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Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: The Scottish Lass and a Rottweiler

Bedlam Humour

This is another joke from Jack Chamber from Benigembla, Spain

It was the weekend of the Scotland V England rugby International at Murrayfield. As the crowds assembled in the City of Edinburgh and prepared to take their way to Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards a bonny wee eight year old Scottish lass, its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in blue jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from The Scotsman who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now …………. 'Scottish Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now ……. 'Brave Heart Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Scottish; I'm from London,’

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now …….. 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..
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Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: Old is Great

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers from Benigembla on the Costa Blanca sent this joke

Old is Great
An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

And so say all of us !!!
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: A Dilemma

Monday, 17 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: A Dilemma

Bedlam Humour

Here's yet another joke from John Evans from the lovely village of Alcalali, on the Costa Blanca.
A student asked his English professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that....... 
Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.... who are you going to turn your back on?"
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: without wheels

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: Without Wheels

Bedlam Humour

I love this shot

Just as the wheel falls off -----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Thursday, 13 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: a simple explanation

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from John Evans
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in- law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there would be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail."
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: When you grow up

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: When You Grow Up

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by John Evans, from Alcalali, Spain
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd form: What do you want to be when you grow up?"
 Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit a golf ball 400 yards, and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Mayfair, a Chateau in the Dordogne, a jet to travel anywhere she wants, a Gold Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 

..... "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore!"
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Poor lady dying

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Bedlam Humour: This poor lady is dying

Bedlam Humour

In our Xalo garden, Costa Blanca This poor lady is dying

Bloody red palm-weevils got at it. We tried treatment but were too late. You could hear the damn things chewing inside the trunk.

It has now been chopped down and destroyed - ah!

We loved it
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