Sunday 31 October 2010

Sara Pipalini

Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for emailing this joke.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be..."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Thanks Ed. Very funny......


For your next Kindle read, why not try a short story collection



Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Surrogate Father

Friday 29 October 2010

Anxiety

Bedlam Advice

Dealing With Anxiety

There are a lot of half-truths floating around about how to deal with anxiety. Although the term is easily understood, people frequently get the wrong idea of what it is. A lot of people think it’s something to do with ‘nerves when in fact it’s a psychological condition.

Most people experience a sensation of anxiety sometime during their life. They might feel concerned and anxious about an exam, or medical test, or perhaps a job interview. Feeling occasionally anxious is normal. However, if the feeling of anxiety is constant and affects your day-to-day life, then you have a problem.

All Ages

Anxiety can impinge on all ages, no matter the sex, religion or social standing. It can be about anything or anyone. Anxiety is a widespread psychological condition, yet unfortunately doctors seem to have a little hole in their collection of cures for it.

For more, read -
People With Anxiety - How to Deal With Feelings - Questions You Must Ask About Anxiety

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The Surrogate Father

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith of Leek in Staffordshire has sent another joke - it's hilarious.


The Browns were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Brown kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Brown cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Brown...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Brown quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Brown exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Brown.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Brown, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Brown leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Brown fainted...


Brilliant, Elsie. I love it....


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Wednesday 27 October 2010

Red Indian Love

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent in another joke
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us...'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine, sexy women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read............... NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

Thanks for emailing me the joke, Ed. - Good 'un.



For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection


Next post - Bedlam Humour: Coincidence

Monday 25 October 2010

Your Must-Know Guide To Water Efficiency

Belam Sense

We should all practice water efficiency. The problem, is places like the UK have traditionally had water to spare, but to waste water is environmentally damaging. Why not try to save the precious resource.

Water Recycled - Your Must-Know Guide To Water Efficiency

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Saturday 23 October 2010

What A Coincidence!

Bedlam Humour

Here's another laugh from Ed Goldstraw of Leek...
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne... The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs..'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Love it... Thanks Ed.


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For your next Kindle book, why not try Short Moments

Tuesday 19 October 2010

Little Fire-fighter

Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for emailing this joke.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said with tact, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Thanks Ed. Brilliant. Up to your usual standard I see.


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Thursday 14 October 2010

A Cardiologist's Funeral

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent in yet another joke that I'd like to share.
An Acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...'

The priest said none too kindly, 'And what's so funny about that?'

'I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted


Lol. Thanks Elsie. You're a star.

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Articles by ajbarnett

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Wednesday 13 October 2010

Never Lose Your Grandson!

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke sent by Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire.
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said,"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tits."
I love it, Elsie. Very funny. Thanks for sending it in.

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Articles by ajbarnett

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Monday 11 October 2010

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke sent in by the infamous Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.'

'So what has that got to do with anything?'

'Well, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.'

'So?'


'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.'

The wife pulled a face. 'Cheeky beggar.'

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. - and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

'You're stalling.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"


Love it, Ed. Thanks.

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The Herb Parsley & Parsley Sauce Recipe
The Herb Tarragon - All You Need To Know About Tarragon
Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing



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Sunday 10 October 2010

Well Hellooo!

Bedlam Humour

Here's new joke from Jack Chambers.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Love it, Jack. Many thanks.

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