Sunday, 27 February 2011

The Scouser

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter stared at him over his glasses. 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/ bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.'

'Wow! What does it involve?'

'Well, you'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Brilliant, Jack. I love it.

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Golfing Hitman

Sunday, 20 February 2011

The Golfing Hit Man

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith of Leek has sent this. Hope you like it as much as I did.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from Here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right.. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

Thanks, Elsie. Up to your usual standard. Great stuff....

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Next post - Bedlam humour: Flight attendant

The Flight Attendant

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has been busy again. He sent this today.

A man was sitting in the bar in Departures at Heathrow. A beautiful woman walked in and sat down at the table next to him.

He decided because she had a uniform on, she was probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decided to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flew for, thereby [he thought] impressing her greatly.

He leant across to her and said the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows." The woman looked at him blankly.

He sat back and remembered another line. He leant forward again and delivered the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world." Again she just stared at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tried again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations."

The woman looked at him sternly and said, "What the f### do you want?"
"Ah!" he said, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair!"

Great stuff Jack - Lol. Nice to see you on the circuit again

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Rocket scientist

The Fowl and the Rocket Scientists

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw of Leek just sent me this. Try it for size:

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at British Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea being, to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken first." 

Totally brilliant, Ed. Thanks.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Samsung Galaxy S II - A Review

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Bedlam Review

For all you techno-phobes ouit there, you might be interested in the new smartphone from Samsung.

Read about it here - The Samsung Galaxy S II

Sunday, 13 February 2011

A Figure of Speech

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has been busy again. He's just sent these jokes

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an are some good ones!

•    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
•    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
•    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
•    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
•    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
•    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
•    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
•    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
•    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
•    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
•    How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
•    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
•    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
•    I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
•    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
•    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
•    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
•    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on I said "Implants?"
•    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
•    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
•    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
•    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
•    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
•    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
•    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
•    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
•    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
•    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
•    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
•    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
•    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
•    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
•    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
•    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
•    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
•    You're never too old to learn something stupid.
•    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
•    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
•    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
•    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
•    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
•    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Wonderful stuff Ed. Keep 'em rolling.


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Thursday, 10 February 2011

The Jehovah's Witness

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke.

There  was a knock on the door this morning, I  opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said: "I'm  a Jehovah's Witness".  

I  said "Come in and sit down. Now  what do you want to talk about"?  

He  said, " F--ked if I know I've never got this far before" 

Thanks Ed... Very funny. 


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Friday, 4 February 2011

Raped by a Zombie

Bedlam Humour

My grandson, Nathan Beech-Lewy, posted this on his Facebook page. I thought it funny enough to post on here.

"If you get raped by a zombie, does it count as necrophilia?"

Lol - Nice one Nathan.

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Dear Wife

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent me this joke. Hope you like it.

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Brilliant Ed. Love it.


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