Sunday, 13 February 2011

A Figure of Speech

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has been busy again. He's just sent these jokes

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an are some good ones!

•    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
•    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
•    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
•    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
•    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
•    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
•    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
•    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
•    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
•    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
•    How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
•    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
•    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
•    I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
•    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
•    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
•    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
•    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on I said "Implants?"
•    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
•    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
•    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
•    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
•    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
•    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
•    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
•    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
•    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
•    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
•    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
•    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
•    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
•    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
•    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
•    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
•    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
•    You're never too old to learn something stupid.
•    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
•    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
•    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
•    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
•    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
•    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Wonderful stuff Ed. Keep 'em rolling.


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