Monday, 30 June 2008

Is the Law Really Such an Ass?

Bedlam Humour

It seems that Italy's high courts have made a new ruling. The nation's paramilitary police force - The Carabinieri - can now no longer indulge in the nation's favourite pastime....

Carabinieri will now be breaking the LAW if they have nooky on the side. No bit of fluff for them, no Italian swooning, no poppet passion .... In short, no extra-marital affairs. From now on, they must behave themselves and keep their trousers zipped tight.

Apparently, the Carabinieri's axiom is 'Faithful Through The Centuries', and the courts consider poppet passion to be a slur on the good name.

If there IS a misdemeanour, who is going to arrest whom? Are the carabinieri REALLY going to shop their mates for what they’re doing themselves .... and I wonder if the good members of the esteemed legal profession, those law MAKERS, will be setting an example to the carabinieri?
It seems to me to be a case of 'do as I say, not, do as I do'. Don't members of the Italian High Court, have mistresses?


Sunday, 29 June 2008

Take the dogs for a walk please, dear!

Bedlam - comment

I’ve seen it all now.

So there we were, tooting along between Llibér and Senija, along twisty Spanish roads, steep drops to the side, beautiful scenery. The sun bright, the sky cloudless, the road empty except for the little old lady just in front of us.

I couldn’t believe it. She was on one of these tiny automatic motor scooters, togged up to the eyeballs in helmet etc, hair streaming out from beneath the helmet …. And running by the side of her, barely keeping pace, were a couple of little terriers.

They were tied to the scooter with leads, short legs going ten-to-the-dozen, tongues hanging out, and breath coming short and fast.

Gives rather new meaning to, taking the dogs for a run, doesn’t it?

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Sunday, 22 June 2008

Noisy Lemmings!

Well .... It's silly season again. The holiday makers are on us, the lemmings have landed.

The villa close to us (when I say close I mean 300 metres. not REALLY close) has visitors. Tonight they decided to have some sort of party, and what do you know - noise. Noise, bloody noise! It pisses me off.

Why do people behave so selfishly - is it only me that suffers? The row they made was ridiculous. Someone had an electric guitar they thought they could play, and I'm sure a cat actually screached into a microphone.

They were clapping - I think. They may have been slapping each other with wet fish I suppose, but that's probably wishful thinking.

Why insist on inflicting it all on us? We have our own music to listen to whilst eating our evening meal. Okay, so you might think we're just as bad, but I checked .... there was no indication we even had it on at the perimeter of our garden, never mind 300 metres away. I have no wish to listen to someone else's choice. Why do they want to force their shit on us?


For God's sake folks. Turn the f*****g music down. Consider your neighbours.

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Saturday, 21 June 2008

Westlife Launch Book

A grossly unfair amount of people lined up in Dublin city today to catch a glimpse of the popular boy band, Westlife.

Nicky, Mark, Shane and Kian are due in Eason's today to launch their new book, “Westlife: Our story”.

It pisses me off to think the book will be already be a best seller, when struggling authors, with ten-times the writing talent will see zilch.

Okay, so things like this make me bitter and twisted. Who gives a shit!

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Friday, 20 June 2008

To Email or Fridge? That is the Question!

Forget your latest little gadget - the fridge is the most widespread gizmo to communicate between family members. Not text, email or whatever your latest hi-tech contrivance might be – its simply good old-fashioned words scribbled on paper.

To read more go to this article on RedGage

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Thursday, 19 June 2008

Get 'em Tagged

So there I was, browsing the garden centre, plants here, there, everywhere. Some I fancied, some not - yet everytime I found one I fanced it had NO price tag. The stuff I wasn't interested in had price tags falling out all over the place - so what's the score?

It gets on my nerves, I'm naffed off with it. I don't actually scream and shout, to be honest I don't even tell the owners, but I do get annoyed. Why don't they put prices on EVERYTHING?

What's the criteria for shoving a tag on? Do they think we'll go chasing after them for the things we want? Will they then bump up the price if we're interested? WRONG! I walk away. I vote with my feet. Will they learn from it? No! I just make a point.

It's probably my own fault, I suppose I should face the owners and tell them, or at least ask them why they do it.... yet why should I? It's their problem if buyers go to the garden centre down the road.... and it isn't confined to garden centres either, there seems to be a growing trend of keeping customers in the dark.... mushroom treatment perhaps....

Come shop owners, get your act in shape. You don't know how many people are like me and simply walk away if you don't display the price of your goods. Get 'em taggged!

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Council Bully Boys

A Suffolk woman has been ordered to decorate the outside of her white, listed cottage - and it's got to be PINK.

Holly Bellingham was told by council bullyboys, that she must 'maintain the character' of the 15th century building, in Lavenham, Suffolk. BLOODY PINK? I ask you!

She’s reluctantly agreed, but when asked, commented that the order risked turning the beautiful village into a 'medieval Disneyland', and I couldn't agree more.

The overbearing council said it wanted the cottages to be the same colour because they used to be part of a single building. A council spokesman pleaded: "We have written to Mrs Bellingham, requesting that she complies with the listed building consent. Our aim is to ensure numbers 7 to 9 Water Street, have the same pale pink exterior colourwash, as this was originally one building, to distinguish them from the adjoining properties."

Distinguish them? Make them bloody outstanding I should think. I think this is a case of heavy-handed bureaucrats pushing their weight around.

Why does power, always seem to attract stupid bastards that want to force their opinions on the unsuspecting public? The answer lies in our hands. VOTE THEM OUT!

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Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Stupid Criminals

Bedlam - comment

There's nothing I like better than reading about stupid criminals. I detest criminals, and as far as I'm concerned, a laugh at their expense is worth repeating.

One such stupid low-life, caught breaking into a German supermarket, escaped despite being handcuffed to railings. A security guard thought he'd safely fastened the man. However by the time police arrived, the low-life scum had escaped.

Thick as the yob was, he ran to a nearby police station to get the cuffs removed.

Arriving at the police station, he told officers he'd been locked up as a joke, and asked for help. The officers at first believed him, 'also laughing at the man's apparent misfortune,' police said. However, after pressing him for details they suspected something was amiss.

After questioning, the man confessed.

I'd like to congratulate them on whatever interviewing techniques they used!!!!

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Sunday, 15 June 2008

Men are Happier than Women

Bedlam Humour

This was sent to me by my writer friend Avner Korblum. Hope you enjoy.



If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

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Saturday, 14 June 2008

The Bastard Mosquito!

Bedlam Humour


If you're a dental hygiene aficionado living in mosquito-ridden area, you’re in luck.

Ever wondered why the little bastards don’t bug you? Ever smirked because your friend is bitten when you’re not.

It ain’t down to your bubbly personality, my friend. It’s your teeth stuff.

Listerine mouthwash is being flaunted as the latest hi-tech defence against the blood-sucking little shits. Mosquitoes are the bane of our lives …. Well most insects are.

Apparently there’s a plague of the varmints says naturalist Terry Sprague. "It seems to be because of the additional rain," he said. “Water laying in fields and other areas that would normally be dry are excellent breeding grounds for mosquitoes.”

Sprague admitted, that he had no idea where using mouthwash to repel mosquitoes came from. "You spray it on your person," he said. "I am not sure what the active ingredient is."

Listerine does contain eucalyptus, and the herb thyme, two proven mosquito repellents – but does it matter?

As long as it works – great. Pass the mouthwash dear, the bastards are buzzing!

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Burgers and all that Shit!

Bedlam Humor


It makes me want to PUKE! I've realised why I started to make my own burgers all those years ago.
Oscar Mayer, which is fighting Ball Park Franks to become the top supplier in the nation, says it’s changed the formula for its products to make them "zestier and meatier."

Here are those "zestier, meatier" components:- mechanically separated turkey, pork, and mechanically separated chicken.

To this mechanically separated garbage, Oscar Mayer add water, salt, flavour, sodium lactate, corn syrup, sodium phosphates, dextrose, sodium diacetate, sodium erythorbate and sodium nitrite….

When I was younger, I recall being told by a butcher that they never put in pies what they can sell over the counter. It seems this industry goes one step further:- Sell what you can over the counter, what you can’t, put in pies, what’s left, the filth, mechanically grunge it until it’s unrecognisable, mix it with further shit, then sell it as burgers and dogs. YUCK!

It seems burgers are the absolute SHIT end of the meat chain. Do YOU eat burgers?

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Give Her a Call !!!

I like to hear a woman with a sultry voice - don't we all - it can be a toe-tingling experience. For some, however, it goes beyond reason.

Apparently a man in Japan has been arrested for calling a free number 500 times in 16 months just because he wanted to listen to the woman's voice .... and it wasn't even a human on the other end, it was a recording ....

What sort of saddo is he? It's seems to me to be along the lines of blow-up dolls ....

The 38-year-old , was arrested after he'd made 3,100 hours worth of free calls to the company, costing it almost 4 million yen ($38,730) in phone bills.

A police spokesman in Takasaki, northwest of Tokyo, said. "He gets excited by the woman's voice on the tape," adding that the voice sounded nothing out of the ordinary to the him.

Maybe the officer just isn't a connoisseur .... or maybe he's just normal!

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Monday, 9 June 2008

Japanese Bully Boys!


Japanese Sumo Wrestler, Rikishi Toyozakura, posing with cast members of the Treasure Island show during the Japan Sumo Association's official USA Grand Sumo Tournament in Las Vegas.

He looks a happy chappy, but beneath that cheeky grin is a vicious streak. Toyozakura attacked an eighteen year old apprentice with a cooking ladle. The attack, left the dazed young man needing several stitches.

34-year-old bully boy, Toyozakura said, "I asked him to do something. I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it".

SHIT! When I was an apprentice I expected the guys to SHOW me how to do it, not attack me because I couldn't. What sort of ARSE is he? What's training about for chrissake!

If there's one thing that's guaranteed to piss me off, it's bullying! I can't do with the bastards, especially a two-ton load of shit like this.

His punishment is a 30 percent pay cut, which will be in effect for three months. It seems this sort of thing is a regular event. Only a short while ago, another sumo wrestler took a pay cut for beating a junior with a bamboo sword. The brutal episodes are the most recent in a series of discomforting episodes for the sport of sumo, which is beset by scandal. Maybe it’s because of this that its appeal seems to be waning in Japan.

Not soon enough by the sound of it!

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Thursday, 5 June 2008

The Correct Way to Run a Jail

Bedlam - opinion

Somebody should send a copy of this to Mr. Gordon Brown


These are some of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison complex. He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but "G" movies. He says: "They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave."

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel, he replied: "So these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."

The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected as Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona

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Supermarket Shit

I always thought customers were special people who had to be considered at all times. A manufacturing company I used to work for had huge banners around the site proclaiming, "The Customer Is King".

Quite right too. Without customers there is no business. Customers pay wages!

So why is it that Spanish supermarkets haven't heard of it?

Maybe not all supermarkets, I can only speak as I find, but the supermarkets I'm unfortunate enough to frequent, have staff who are bloody ignorant.
  • They re-stack the shelves whilst we're shopping, in such a manner that we have to wriggle around them.
  • They clean the floors whilst we are shopping, and WE have move out of their way. It's a case of 'we've got a job to do', you're only shopping.
  • They leave pallets in the aisle so we can't get around and have to reverse down the aisle.
  • They stand in the way chatting so we have to go another way.

The attitude in Spanish supermarkets pisses me off. Maybe I have bad experiences, but surely they can't ALL be like that? Do supermarkets deliberately choose ignorant bastards. Maybe it's self perpetuating, maybe ignorance begets ignorance!

Take note Mr. Supermarket Manager ... The first supermarket to have pleasant, helpful staff will sweep the rest of you away. Take a leaf from British companies, The Customer Is Always Right!

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Wednesday, 4 June 2008

A Novel Way of Going Green.

Novel Places, is to be found at Mayorga Coffee (23207 Stringtown Road Clarksburg, MD).

Apparently it's an online store that offers a forum to discuss literary issues and books. The owner says he intentionally wants it the way he would want a brick and mortar store to be - a place where people can relax by a fire or in a comfy chair for conversation, reading, and purchasing a good book. I'm not quite sure how that's going to work, but the essence is good .... I suppose.

The good part is there’s going to be a tree planted for every book purchased through Eco-Libris. Customers will receive a sticker (made of recycled paper) saying “one tree planted for this book” with every new book purchased at Novel Places.

Well that's novel!

I can't make up my mind whether he's jumping on the 'green' bandwagon, or whether he's a genuine person. Am I being super-critical again?

Whatever the reason, if a tree really is planted then I'm all for it.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

Bedlam Humour

Queen Elizabeth

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before St Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St Peter must decide which of them gets in.

Dolly Parton

He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top, flops out her gorgeous tits and outrageous nipples, and says, 'Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

St Peter thanks Dolly very politely, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.

St Peter says, 'Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged, stuffs her tits back into their holders, and asks, 'What the hell was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?

'Sorry, Dolly,' St Peter says, 'but even in Heaven a royal flush always beats a pair, no matter how big they are.'

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Plagiarism

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Plagiarism and McEwan

Writer, Ian McEwan, gave a preview of his next novel, only to be humiliated by an announcement that an amusing anecdote in it had been lifted from another writer.

Shit! I suppose it means he'll get even MORE sales. Why is the celebs get it whatever? The negative publicity of plagiarism didn't do Dan Brown much harm did it? Maybe I could persuade someone to claim my own book was lifted from theirs. Maybe the hullabaloo will get me a few sales!

Apparently, the Booker Prize-winning novelist read an excerpt of the new novel to a large audience at the Hay festival in Wales, but was told by a member of the audience that the episode was not original.

Wow! Whoever said it had some face! They must have been very sure of the facts to stand up in front of everyone and say a thing like that.

Confounded by the insistence that they'd already read the anecdote elsewhere, McEwan assured the audience he'd check it out, even suggesting he might drop it from his draft manuscript.

Oh, how I wish I could have the same publicity .... Priceless!

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Tuesday, 3 June 2008

The Great Supermarket Piss-Off

It's happened again! I couldn't find what I wanted.

What is it with supermarkets that make them change the location of their goodies? I hate it; hate it; HATE IT! It makes me seethe. I can't find the bloody tins. I can't find the bloody cleaning stuff. Why?

It ain't just Spain it happens. There seems to be a worldwide epidemic. Everywhere I go, the bloody idiots keep swapping things around. I don't know what it's like in the US but here???

I thought I was a bit cranky about it, thought I was over-the-top, but it seems I'm not alone. I was in a Tesco store back in the UK a while ago and there was a fella in an absolute rage.
"Why have they moved the f***ing things AGAIN?" he shouted at the top of his voice, to no one in particular, but effective all the same. "Leave the f***ing things alone, will you. Stop changing the f***ing place around!"

A bit extreme, but probably justified. I must say I feel like grabbing whoever's responsible and shaking them. Maybe they think they're using psychology. Maybe they believe we'll spot things we didn't think about whilst we're searching for our favourite bits.
THEY COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG! I end up so frustrated by it; it has the reverse effect on me. I get so angry I leave before I finish and go elsewhere to do my shopping. Okay. I probably calm down and go back the following week, but it doesn't change how I feel.

Take note Mr. Supermarket Manager. Leave the bloody goodies where they are. Shoppers are creatures if habit. We have brains. We want what we want, not what you want us to want. Don't try to persuade us by changing your store; it just pisses us off.
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Extremists and the Right to Write

From STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN, we learn the Swedish municipality has given an exiled Bangladeshi author, sanctuary. Taslima Nasreen will thankfully be allowed to work for about two years.

Nasreen fled Bangladesh after extremists threatened to execute her.

Member of Parliament, Cecilia Wikstrom, has explained the writer has been conceded refuge in Uppsala. The concession includes a condo, financial subsidy and the opportunity to work in Sweden for two years.

I can only thank God there are people around who are humane and prepared to offer help. What is it with these bloody Islamic extremists? Why can't we all have our say without death threats. Balls to fanatics! Fanatics make me fanatical. It's self perpetuating.

The bastards are crazy. Their doctrine seems to preach that it's okay for them to go around KILLING people, as long as writers don't write things they don't like!

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Monday, 2 June 2008

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

It seems that author, Brian Antoni has attracted critical attention, if not high literary praise, for his fictionalized memoir of life and sex, and love and sex, and chocolate and sex in Miami's hedonistic heart of darkness in the 1990s.

We can all do that. In hindsight, don't we all think that our experiences were golden and special. They seem to grow with the passing as well. Each year brings fonder memories, we start to think we were more dangerous, more exciting, more special, than anything today!!!!

Most of us curb the desire to embellish it on paper though.

Antoni's first book, Paradise Overdrive, was based on his experiences living the "Bahamian high life." South Beach: The Novel, is his second attempt. Maybe his memory has improved!

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Sunday, 1 June 2008

Star Line-up

It seems the French set their sights REALLY high - they look to the stars for ispiration!

French coach, Raymond Domenech has some big decisions to make when selecting his sides. Does he stick with the players who have experience but whose powers are waning, or does he play his young, dynamic and athletic ones?

NEITHER! He goes by black magic.

Raymond Domenech has some decidely odd predilections .... including a love of astrology - and I believed the French were into women!!!

He's apparently declared he won't put Scorpios in the team and that Leos make bad defenders.

Christ! Aren't a player's skill, ability and teamwork, supposed to be deciding factors in choosing who does what? I thought mumbo-jumbo had long since been given the elbow - shows how wrong I can be!

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The Queen, Prince Philip and the VERY public Fart

Bedlam - humour

I was once asked by one of my kid's when they were younger, "Does the Queen go to the toilet?" They simply couldn't believe that royalty did such mundane things....

I think the answer may be found in the following sequence of photographs. Make up your own mind

Did Prince Philip Fart? Was it Queen Elizabeth passing wind? What do you think? The expressions are priceless! Just look at the Queen's face!

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