Monday, 31 October 2011

King Arthur and the Witch:

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent in this joke:

King Arthur and the Witch:

 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a  neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would  perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed  an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she to be in charge of her  own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

 The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a  horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she  appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot said he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

 The moral of the story is.....
 If you don't let a woman have her own way....  Things are gonna get ugly!!!!!!!

Love it, Ed. Thanks.

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Friday, 28 October 2011

The Happy Garden, Moraira - Don't Eat There

Bedlam - view

Yesterday we were in our local resort of Moraira on the Costa Blanca. A lovely place - quiet at this time of year now the tourist season is over.

Whilst there we decided to have a meal and chose one of our favourite restaurants - The Happy Garden.

Whoops - big mistake. I don't know if they have a new chef, but we actually hated the meal.The salt content burned my lips for ages after.

In the past the Vietnamese preparations have been wonderfully light - no MSG in sight. However, yesterday neither of us could finish our meal. The salt content must have been through the roof. I told the head waitress, but all she did was smile and nod congenially. I obviously did not convey the problem - so I screwed my face and made gagging noises. Still no reaction.

I hardly need say that we will NEVER grace the doors of The Happy Garden ever again. Such a shame. I used to rate it very highly, but now, The Happy Garden is off my list forever.

If you do not like over-salted food, I can only advise you to avoid The Happy Garden, Moraira.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Old Butch

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke

Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one..

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.

Great stuff, Ed. A truism if ever I read one

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

The Blond and a Brick

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has sent another little quip:

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Lol - thanks Jack
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection 

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Agony of Dyslexia

Friday, 21 October 2011

The Agony of Dyslexia

Bedlam Humour 

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers:
The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him: "You idiot.
You're supposed to turn your clock back!

Love it. Thanks, Jack.
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection 

Next post - Bedlam Humour: the Golfer

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The 90 year old golfer

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent another joke.

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it's gone."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife "But his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
His brother-in-law shrugged. "I can't remember."

Ha, ha. Talking from experience, Jack... Thanks for sending it.
For your next Kindle book, why not try a millionaire romance

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Penis enlarger

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Spanish Banks Hit by Terrible Land Grab laws

Bedlam - Opinion

Terrible Land Grab Laws
For a long time now, the terrible land grab laws in Spain have caused heart-ache and pain amongst the ex-patriot community. It seems the actions of the bastard land-grabbing property developers have finally killed the goose that laid Spain's golden egg.

Investing pensioners have been turned off from the sun and life-style of Spain because of the terrible uncertainty that land grab shit-heads have imposed. Their grasping fingers have finally throttled the flood of oportunity that came from the aging settlers.

Who wants to put life-savings at risk, when corrupt laws allow Spanish developers to grab land and make the land-owners pay for the priviledge of having property stolen.

House Prices Fall 
Spain's government said Tuesday that housing prices continued to fall in the third quarter, a further concern for the country's embattled banks at a time when investors are growing increasingly worried about the health of the euro zone's financial sector.

Spain's housing price index in the July to September period fell 5.5% from a year earlier—the fastest pace of decline since 2009—and was down 1.3% from the second quarter, the Public Works ministry said.

Prices peaked in the first quarter of 2008, bringing the country's decade-long housing boom to an abrupt end and pushing the economy into its worst crisis since the 1970s.

Signs of stress are mounting for Spain's ailing banks ahead of this weekend's much-awaited summit, where European leaders are expected to draw up new measures to shore up the region's financial system.

Last week, Standard & Poor's Ratings Services downgraded Spain's sovereign debt rating and the ratings of 10 Spanish banks, citing the depressed property market as a key reason for the move.

Drop of 18%

The Public Works ministry said housing prices have now dropped 18% during the country's three-year bust, a significant source of strain for the country's financial sector which already holds over €400 billion in loans to the construction and real-estate sector—equivalent to 40% of Spain's gross domestic product—backed by collateral that loses value as property prices slide.

Falling prices are also a problem because banks have amassed significant property portfolios, largely from bankrupt developers or foreclosed homes, and because they deter borrowers from seeking new mortgages, a key source of income for the banks.

The €300 billion owed by real estate developers alone is particularly troubling, says Luis Garicano, a professor of economics and strategy at the London School of Economics.

"There's just no chance that these loans will ever be paid back," Mr. Garicano says.

Unlike U.S. banks, Spanish banks haven't been hit by a surge in retail mortgage delinquencies, which remain low in the country because under Spanish law borrowers have to pay mortgages in full even if the property is foreclosed, a measure that removes the incentive to simply walk away from them.

In Spain, loans to developers have become the top concern after the country went on a building frenzy in the years prior to 2008.

Land Grab Laws
The building frenzy stopped once ex-patriiots realised that property could be stolen from them using corrupt land grab laws. The legal system - the very institution that should protect the individual from grasping developers - has let down helpless citizens. The law is dishonest. Even the EEC deemed it unethical. Spain is paying the price for it's greed and corrupt actions.

It is this law that has caused Spain to suffer. Spanish land grab laws have finally killed the  golden goose. Spain will never regain it's popularity unless it very publicly changes it's laws towards land ownership and re-instates those poor individuals who have been ruined.

Monday, 17 October 2011

The Penis Enlarger

Bedlam Humour

Here are another couple of jokes from the batch that Jack Chambers sent:
The wife suggested her husband got one of those penis enlargers, so he did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Lol - love 'em, Jack. Thanks.
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Prince Phillip

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Prince Phillip again...

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent some jokes. I thought you might like theses as a taster...

Prince William said he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss and went anyway. 
The cost of living has now gotten so bad my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Brill stuff, Jack. Thanks.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

The New Official Language of the European Union

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another side-splitting joke...

Euro Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

I love it, Ed. Thanks

Friday, 14 October 2011

At The Dentist

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent yet another joke.

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles", the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".

Thanks Ed. Very funny. I presume you're speaking from experience...

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Rule Number One

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this pic about fox and hounds from his never-ending store of fun.

Love it - Thanks Ed...

Monday, 10 October 2011

The Taxman is Here

Bedlam - Humour

Here's another joke from Ed Goldstraw

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts anyway!
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his car, Tax his fuel, Find other ways to tax the fool.
Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers; Then tax him more, Tax him till he's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid.
When he's gone, Do not relax, It's time to apply The inheritance tax.

List of Tax we Pay
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

Thanks Ed. What in the "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'lying parasite politicians wasting our money'? Then, there are bank charges...

Sunday, 9 October 2011

The Butcher's Baby....

Bedlam - Humour

This joke is from Rhonda Savin of Stoke on Trent

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby... in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? 

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Brill - I love it....
For your next Kindle book, why not try:
Short Stories

Teaching Maths - UK 1970 to a projected 2017

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent in this joke:
 Teaching Maths In 1970
 A logger sells a lorryload of timber for £100. His cost of production is  4/5 of the price.
 What is his profit?

 Teaching Maths In 1980
 A logger sells a lorryload of timber for £100. His cost of production is  80% of the price.
 What is his profit?

 Teaching Maths In 1990
 A logger sells a lorryload of timber for £100. His cost of production is  £80.
 How much was his profit?

Teaching Maths in 2000
 A logger sells a lorryload of timber for £100. His cost of production is  £80 and his profit is £20.
 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths In 2005
 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and  inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the  preservation of our woodlands.
 Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the  logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

Teaching Maths In 2009
 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be  offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the  felling license.
He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of  Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut  something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident  however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is
 therefore considered to be a habitual criminal.
His DNA  is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government  agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100  because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to  find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.
He  tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an  ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in  jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the  black market for £100 cash.
They also leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos  sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the  fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He  complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the  peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a  regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be  arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20  profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state  for the rest of his life?

 Teaching Maths In 2010
 A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan  to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in  Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a  few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who  made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax  on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer  meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some  Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back  on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their  cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their  relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to  deport them at the government's expense.
Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different  names and start again. The logger protests, is accused  of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old  lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The  Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are  not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the  difference on expenses and allowances.
 You do the maths.
Teaching Maths 2017

 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج
 80 من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

Lol - love it, Ed. Thanks for sending it in.

Saturday, 8 October 2011


Bedlam - Humour

Seems as good an idea as any to me... Think I'll keep this pinned over my desk