Thursday, 22 October 2009

Joke - The underweight baby

Bedlam Humour

John Evans has sent another joke - check it out for a good laugh -
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. Eventually he checked the baby's weight, and looking a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

He glanced at her over his glasses, then rubbed his chin. 'There seems to be a problem. Would you mind stripping down to your waist.'

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. I'm afraid you have no milk.'

'I know that,' she said, 'I'm his Grandmother.... but I'm really glad I came.'

A right laugh, thanks John.

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Monday, 19 October 2009

Joke - The Geography of People.

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from one of my stalwart suppliers of laughter, John Evans.
The Geography of a Woman
  • Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
  • Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
  • Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
  • Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
  • Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
  • Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
  • Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
  • After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
  • Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

Hey John - great one. Many thanks.


Saturday, 17 October 2009

Joke - What type of bra?

Bedlam - humour .

Here's another joke from Elsie Smith.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'But I have to admit, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.'

Many thanks Elsie. Loads of lauggghs.

Next post on Bedlam.


Thursday, 15 October 2009

Joke - The philosophy of ambiguity

Bedlam - humour

Here's a joke sent to me by Victoria Lange of Restaurante Paraiso Parcent, from one of her customers David Reeley. I thinks it's very clever....
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity....( as well as the
idiosyncrasies of english)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
    girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help
    section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
    considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times do they become
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
Thanks for that Victoria and David, loved them.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Bedlam Humour: Pissing on the Tax Man

Bedlam Humour.

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has sent in another joke. I found it absolutely hilarious.
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side of the room, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now. "Not a drop?"
"Not a drop."
The auditor looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage a stunt like that, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."

Wonderful, Elsie. Hope you find many more like it.

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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Joke - Why MEN should write advice columns.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent in another joke. Not heard from him for a while, let's hope he's back to stay....
Why Men Should Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
John's reply...
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check all rounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John
Love it Jack. Keep sending them.


Sunday, 11 October 2009

A puzzling moment

Bedlam - comment

My wife is a bit pissed off at the moment.

Like a lot of people she enjoys a crossword or two, and a bit of Sudoku when she can - reckons it keeps the old brain cells from getting sticky - and I have to agree, keeping the grey matter active keeps you young.

BUT....she thought she was having a peculiar senior-moment when she immediately recognized the answers to a crossword in the 'Round Town News'.... After a bit of checking, it turns out the same puzzle has been in the paper for three weeks on the trot....

Ah well.....


Friday, 9 October 2009

Ireland's biggest robbery

Bedlam - humour.

John Evans sent this in. I found it very umusing. See what you think.

"The Vanilla Pudding Robbery"

This is an excerpt from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach."

The newspaper headline read:


Love it John. Very funny. Thanks for sending it in. Hope to see more.


Thursday, 8 October 2009

Joke - Four old men

Bedlam - humour .

Kath Chambers has sent in another joke.

Four old men were sitting round a campfire near the beach philosophising about what the fastest thing in the world might be.

One of the men poked the fire. “I think the fastest thing is probably a thought -because before you can think, it’s already thought.”

His friend shook his head. “No man, the fastest thing in the world is a blink because before you can think to blink, you done blink already.”

The old man opposite laughed aloud at this. “No,” he said. “You’re both wrong. The fastest thing in the world is electricity because when you turn on the light it travels fast and the light comes on straight away. There isn’t a pause, man. It just happens.”

The fourth old man shifted in his seat. “You’re all wrong. The fastest thing ever, is diarrhoea.”

“Get out of it!”

“I’m telling you it is. Last night before I could think, blink or switch the light on, I shit myself.”

Thanks for that Kath - I love it. Hilarious.


Saturday, 3 October 2009

Funniest ever mating ritual

Bedlam humour .

I've just watched one of the funniest video clips I've seen for ages. When Stephen Fry goes in search of a rare bird in New Zealand, he finds himself privy to an unusual mating ritual which is "one of the funniest things he has ever seen". Mating ritual. Please take a look. I can promise it's a real scream.