Saturday, 31 December 2011

Paddy's Christmas

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this joke:
Paddy says to Mick,  "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
For your next Kindle book why not try a short story collection

Thursday, 22 December 2011

In The Spirit Of Christmas - 21st Century

Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke:

In The Spirit Of Christmas - 21st Century
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the Shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided.
Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available at all times.
Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras inside centrally-heated sheep observation huts.
And the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the Shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards,
with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. In the guidelines are stated permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break must be taken in every two-hour plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks. Not to transgress street cleanliness bye-laws in Bethlehem Joseph is also required to clean up after the donkey.

The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his objection to being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height such as ‘Short Ass’ or otherwise, are considered to be a breach of his equine equality rights.

Lol, too damn true, Ed. Thanks for sending. 
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection 

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Old Couple

Friday, 16 December 2011

Bedlam Humour - The Old Couple and the Sex Therapist

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has sent another joke.
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost just $7.

Lol, very funny, Jack. Must keep this in mind...

Short Stories

Heartwarming Stories

Monday, 12 December 2011

Dear Mum...

Bedlam - Humour

Gina and Malcolm Shenton have sent this joke.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'

With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 
Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love it, Gina and Malcolm - very funny.

For you next Kindle book, why not try Heartwarming Stories

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Sex and Batteries

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Sex and Batteries

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has sent another joke
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name is Lucy.
Thanks Jack, I bet she doesn't know you've sent these in... Lol....

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For your next Kindle book, why not try a millionaire romance

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Elderly Couple

Saturday, 10 December 2011

The Elderly Couple and 24 inches

Bedlam Humour
Ed Goldstraw has sent yet another joke.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Lol, love it, Ed. Very funny.
For your next Kindle book, why not try a millionaire romance

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Junk Mail

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Did you ever stop and wonder

Bedlam - humor

Ed Goldstraw has sent another series of funnys:

Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Thanks Ed - is there no end to your store of humour? Love 'em...


Contemporary romance

Heartwarming Stories