Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Joke - Have a wonderful day

Bedlam Humour

My thanks to all those who have sent e-mails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone else along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the 5.00 dollars I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour’s-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!

By the way.... A South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it’s too late...

End of post - Have a wonderful day

Monday, 30 March 2009

Aircraft for classroom.

Bedlam view.

An 82ft-long commercial aircraft is to take teaching to dizzy heights.

A Short-360 is about to become Britain’s first aircraft-based classroom for primary school pupils. School children at Kingsland Primary School in Stoke on Trent applauded excitedly as the body of the old aircraft was delivered on an articulated vehicle.

The plane was decommissioned after thousands of hours flying businessmen on routes to Ireland and Spain. It was purchased for less than £20,000 – which is half the price of a mobile classroom – so well done Headmaster. A good bit of initiative there.

Headteacher, David Lawrence, said the plane will be fitted with whiteboards, desks and laptops to make it a 'user-friendly learning space' for a class of 30 pupils.

Mr Lawrence said, 'We wanted an outside classroom and talked to the children
about the kind of space they wanted and they came up with the idea of a plane
themselves so we thought we would see how we could go about buying one

However, teachers and pupils stared with dismay as the decommissioned plane was delivered. To begin with it scraped the side of a terraced house, then after two hours of choreographing a narrow gateway, it hit into a lamppost on the school driveway.

Mr Lawrence said, 'I didn't plan for this, but things don't always go as you
expect them to. Once it is finally in place it will be great for the kids.'

The school teamed up with Creative Partnerships, a government learning programme, to dream up the fantasy classroom, which has really taken off with staff and pupils.

One way to save money – teachers take note.

*** plane for classroom, plane for classroom, plane for classroom ***
*** aircraft classrom, aircraft classrom, aircraft classrom ***

End of post - Aircraft for classroom.

Joke - My local pub is best

Bedlam Humour.

Hope you like this latest offering -

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

'The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'


Sunday, 29 March 2009

Joke - The blonde is expecting twins....

Bedlam Humour.

The bubbly blonde wife could barely wait until her husband came home. She paced up and down as he parked the car in the drive, took out his brieface, and locked the car doors.

She was beside herself as he finally came through the front door. "Darling," she said rushing up to him and throwing her arms around his neck. "I have some wonderful news. I've been absolutely dying to tell you."

He kissed her excited lips. "What is it my dear? What can't you simply wait to tell me?"

"I finally got pregnant, darling. I picked up a pregnancy kit from the pharmacy today, and it shows positive."

They'd been wanting to start a family for ages and he was over the moon with her. He said, "I'll just have to phone my parents."

"And that's not all, darling."

"Not all?"

"No .... I'm having twins."

"Wow! How can you tell?"

"Well," she said, tossing her beautiful blonde hair from her face. "They only had twin packs left in the pharmacy, and I thought, 'what the hell I'll give it a try'. And guess what, both of them showed positive.".....


Saturday, 28 March 2009

Joke - Ever Wonder

Bedlam Humour

My thanks to Avner Korblum for another set of funnies. We seem to have one or two contributors now - keep 'em rolling guys....

Have you ever wondered –

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If the black box on airplanes is indestructible, why don't they make the whole plane out of the stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Thanks for that Avner.

End of post on Bedlam


Joke - Only in America

Bedlam Humour.

My thanks to Avner Korblum for this offering.

Only in America

Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America - do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America - do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.

Only in America - do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Hope this hasn't offended my American readers, but if it has - tough shit. I found it funny.

End of Bedlam post - Only in America


Friday, 27 March 2009

American Idol and Simon Cowell

Bedlam Viewpoint.

Simon, Simon, what is your problem? What's happened to your integrity, where's your Great British Cool?

Simon Cowell, American Idol destroyer.

I've always thought of Simon Cowel as being a straight talker. He shoots from the hip, his words destroy. He's become the scurge of unprofessional singers on shows such as American Idol and Britain's X-Factor.

Simon Cowell, unprofessional

However, on this week's American Idol, Simon Cowell became unprofessional himself. Simon behaved like a disruptive child in class - even drawing on Paula Abdul's face with crayon. He pratted around with Paula like a naughty schoolboy. In my own schooldays he would have felt the sharp rap of a cane across his knuckles from an irate teacher - I wonder what he was actually like in class? I suspect from last night's antics, he might have been a spoiled brat.

Simon Cowell, disrespect

Simon Cowell normally comes across as the ultimate professional, but not last night. He brought disrespect to American Idol. If he wants to behave like an idiot, he should wait until after the show, wait until the cameras have stopped rolling.

Simon, you of all people should know, you not only need to BE professional, you need to SHOW you're professional - or do you think you're now above it all...

You're going to lose credibility the way you're performing with Paula Abdul. If you want your 'end' away with her, fine - just do your pratting around off-air.

End of post on Bedlam - American Idol and Simon Cowell

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Council Job

Bedlam Humour

Thanks once more to Jack Chambers for sending me this joke. He actually sent it a while ago and it got sort of 'mislaid' in my computer.....
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right away. Normally, hours are 8 AM to 2 PM. But you can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and continue starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, no point in you coming in for that.'

End of post on Tell Me a Story - Joke, Council Job

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Restaurante Paraiso, Parcent

Bedlam Review.

Last night was treat-night again. It doesn't happen often in this financial climate, so we try to get it right when it happens.

Restaurante Paraiso Parcent

Seven of us booked a table at Restaurante Paraiso on the outskirts of Parcent on the Costa Blanca - and what a treat it turned out to be. Entertainment was laid on in the form of 'John the Fiddler' - and wow, what a musician. He absolutely made that violin zing - and played keyboard - and played guitar - and sang.

Terrific entertainment all around.

Restaurante Paraiso has been renovated but retains it's original rustic image. It has incredible views over the village, two fireplaces, and an ancient olive press in the central reception. The international menu, changes on a regular basis. Run by two chefs, one famed for steak dishes the other for desserts.

The waiters/waitresses all joined in the fun by dressing as serving wenches and suchlike. The food was absolutely top class - and we enjoyed ourselves tremendously.... And for all that entertainment, and 5 course meal with half-bottle of wine per person it only came to 18:50 euros - well worth the trip.

John the Fiddler at Restaurante Paraiso

Staff at Restaurante Paraiso

The bar and entrance, Restaurante Paraiso

We should be going to Paraiso again in a few weeks - looking forward to it.
What more can you ask - good food, good entertainment and good company.

End of post on Bedlam - Restaurante Paraiso

Friday, 20 March 2009

Joke, Why everything should have instructions

Bedlam Humour.

My thanks to Alan Grey for supplying this little gem....

Why absolutely everything should come with instructions :-

A picture paints a thousands words.

Alan says he can't see anything wrong with it.... I must say it could catch on. Thanks Alan - brilliant.


Next post

End of post - Why everything should have instructions


Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Joke, Lord they are finally together

Bedlam Humour.

Once again I have to thank Jack Chambers for sending me this joke. He's a never ending supply of laughter.

Those kids.... Those legs....

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and her and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, her and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

End of post on Bedlam - Lord, they are finally together.

Japan's Naked Festival

Bedlam View

Japan, here we come. Okay, so we have a few fiestas over here in Spain. We’ve come to expect it. Maybe it’s the weather; maybe it’s the Latin temperament, whatever, the people here seem to enjoy it.

They put a lot of time and effort into the events. I’m not fussed about the racket that goes on until 6am – that’s only a modern thing for teenagers, that isn’t tradition – in fact, I must say, the noise pisses me off.

But Spain isn’t the only place to hold events …. Japan humbly enjoys the Naked Festival, which takes place in the middle of winter.

Japan's Naked Enjoyment?

On the third Saturday of February, in the middle of winter, hoardes of men dressed only in minimal clothing assemble on the streets around Saidai-ji Temple in Japan for the Hadaka Matsuri, or Naked Man Festival

Perhaps as a test of determination, or perhaps because they're just crackers, men dressed only in loincloths assemble in front of a temple of Saidaji-Naka at midnight, ready to contend for a “Year of happiness.”

This accolade can be achieved in two ways: either by touching the single naked man concealed in the crowd of shivering bodies, or catching a baton thrown by a monk from the village temple and placing it in a box of rice. The challengers apparently become quite belligerent, perhaps not least because of the terrible cold.

Now a fiesta in warm weather I can understand – the things they get up to in Japan beggars belief….

End of post on Bedlam - 'Japan's Naked Festival'

Sunday, 15 March 2009

American Idol, was Paula Abdul drunk?

Bedlam view - American Idol

Okay, so I was a bit late watching it. I had to record this week's American Idol because we were doing other things at the time, but we've just got around to seeing it. I don't like to miss it, I think there are some great singers around....

Paula Abdul drunk

.... But tell me, are we the only ones to notice that Paula Abdul seemed DRUNK... on American Idol? Pissed out of her mind, on network TV?

She lay across the desk at times, slouched in her seat as if she needed support, couldn't think of what she wanted to say .... in general, behaved just like I do when I'm pissed....

Most weeks we think she acts a bit ..... strange ... struggles to find her words.... seems a bit odd... But now after seeing this week's American Idol, we've decided the problem is she's pissed out of her head. It seems that quite a lot of the time she's drunk as a skunk - or there's some serious underlying problem.

All right I've had plenty of falling down juice in my time - and fell down with it. We've probably all been guilty at some time or other - but not at work - not when we're earning millions of pounds for the pleasure of sitting on a judge's seat on American Idol. For crying out loud, she's holding some poor buggar's future in her hands - and she's pissed!!!

Give me that sort of money and I'd promise to stay sober for the WHOLE length of American Idol. Simon Cowell or not, I'd stay sober.

*** Paula Abdul drunk, Paula Abdul drunk, Paula Abdul drunk ***

*** American Idol, American Idol, American Idol ***

End of post - American Idol, was Paula Abdul drunk?

Friday, 13 March 2009

Friday the Thirteenth

Bedlam Post.

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

Well it's Friday the thirteenth again.

Most people seem to hate it. I love it, but there again, you'd expect me to - I was born on the thirteenth so it holds NO fear for me, how could it. I actually look upon it as a lucky day.

Friday the thirteenth - what will YOU do?

Me ..... I purchased an extra couple of lines on the lottery today. I know it's not drawn until tomorrow, but I'm hoping my luck will hold.... At least it was bought on Friday the thirteenth

I suppose we all dream of a big win. I know I often lay plans just in case - well you don't want to be caught out wondering what to do with all that money, do you ....

Keeping fingers crossed...

End of post of Bedlam - Friday the thirteenth.


Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Joke - The loving husband

Bedlam Humour.

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

My thanks to John Evans for sending me this joke. He's someone else who seems to have an endless supply of humour at his fingertips.

The Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No...They're all at the funeral."

Thanks for that John. May there be many more.

End of post on Bedlam - Joke, The loving husband


Monday, 9 March 2009

Knickers in cars

Bedlam Post - Who's knickers are in YOUR car?

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever left in a car when you've sold it, or sent it for servicing?

According to the RAC some VERY strange things turn up in cars including knickers and wedding dresses.... I wonder if they were in the same car?

Knickers, knickers everywhere...

I only hope the knickers in the car belonged to one of the owners or some lengthy explanations might be required....

Take a look at the blog post Knickers in cars to see what I mean.


How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post on Bedlam - Knickers in cars

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Joke - A bath in Holy Water

Bedlam Humour.

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

Thanks to John Evans for this joke. John is another regular contributor with his jokes.

Bath night.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness, to do whatever he instructed, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'The old Sod,' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.'


How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post - Joke - A bath in Holy Water

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Amy Winehouse, Zombie

Bedlam report - Amy Winehouse sucks her thumb

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

Amy Winehouse apparently looked like a 'zombie' and persistently sucked her thumb after her homecoming from the Caribbean. Her efforts toward a tranquil life survived just four days after she returned home.

Amy Winehouse dazed.

It seems the singer appeared 'dazed' as she wandered through the crowd inside Selfridges department store, shouting at photo hunters before jumping all over her friends for a paparazzi frenzy.

People were astonished at the way she blundered her way through the crowd not speaking to anyone.

One eye witness said, 'It got really weird when she started sucking her thumb in front of everyone. She looked like a zombie.'

It seems 25-year-old Amy Winehouse wasn't in the mood to give her fans a welcome home hug. Does that surprise me?

Amy Winehouse is a talented singer/ writer, and I’m a huge fan of her work, but her behaviour is shit. It’s about time she realized what a lucky bitch she is.


How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post - Amy Winehouse, Zombie

Monday, 2 March 2009

Joke - Nymphomaniacs Convention

Bedlam Humour.

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending this joke - he's a positive mine of funnies.


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'One popular myth is that Afro-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'


'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

' Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'

Next post on Bedlam.


How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post - Joke - Nymphomaniacs Convention

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Coolio, the unsuper uncool rapper.

Bedlam View - Coolio, Coolio, wherefore art thou Coolio?

Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets

Apparently, rapper and so-called ‘singer’ COOLIO was hurt during a performance in Stoke-on-Trent, England, after a stage leap into the spectators went off beam.

Coolio on high

The hip-hop performer was ‘singing’ at Staffordshire University’s Students’ Union on Wednesday (25Feb09) night, when he took it into his addled head to dive into the audience, probably thinking he would be carried on high by adoring fans – not so….

Rapper, rapper on the floor, the one the crowd do not adore....

It was so unexpected the crowd separated, and unsuper un-COOLIO crashed to the floor. The spectators them reportedly mobbed the rapper, taking his bandana and shoes as memorabilia before the performer was rescued by the security team.

Barman, James Fielden, who saw the incident, said, “COOLIO nearly flattened one poor girl. Then all the students decided to launch on him. They grabbed whatever they could, including his trainers, and glasses. He was pulled back on stage by the bouncers. They got his shoes back for him.”

There you are. Shows you can’t go throwing your weight around with folk from the 'Potteries'…


How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post - Coolio, the unsuper uncool rapper.