Nuns Are Married to God

Bedlam Humour

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a shopping centre. The security guards called 112 when they saw him collapse to the floor. 

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. 

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.  

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank."  

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the now irritated nun. 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 

The nun became agitated at that and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Mercadona, Benissa, shit for Fruit and Veg

Bedlam

Why is it that Mercadona in Benissa, Alicante, has fruit and veg that is ALWAYS out of date? Is it all Mercadona stores that have fruit and veg that are out of date or do they dump their shit at Benissa. Do they think that because we live in a backwater of Spain that we are too stupid to realise?

It pisses me off that I can't get fresh fruit or veg from Mercadona that is actually fresh. Everything I pick up in the Benissa store is already past its sell-by date. Come on Mr. Supermarket Manager. Get your friggin' act together. Sell stuff that is actually FRESH, or you will lose all your customers.

To be honest, we've already stopped purchasing from the Benissa store. We've voted with our feet and are purchasing fresh stuff from other places.... i.e, MasyMas supermarket in Xalo where the stuff is actually within date, or the local market stalls, or Lidl. In fact we pick fruit and veg up from ANYWHERE in preference to Mercadona. They really are the pits.

Mercadonna fresh stuff is shit.

It's a shame, because other things in Mercadona are cheaper and better than a lot of places, but fresh stuff? They're having a laugh. It's almost gone off before you get it home.

Doctors Orders

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we
should always finish things that we start.

Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to
find things I'd started but hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu
has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.
An telum u luvum

The Automatic Machine...

Bedlam

This joke is another from Joyce and Roy Critchlow.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, and he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. 

 When the fun was over, he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Questions that Need Answering

Bedlam

Joyce and Roy Critchlow have sent another funny joke

Questions that Need Answering

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

The Liverpool Girl

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready, or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

***

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

The Aged Bridegroom

Bedlam

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old... since her new husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert.

Somewhat surprised, Susan consents. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for action. And, once more they enjoy each other.

As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, dementia has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this already?

I Presume

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and  I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”

The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea
what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”

Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read.”

Nokia Lumia Update

Bedlam

Do you know, I'm fed up of the silly update game imposed by Microsoft. September last year, while on holiday in the UK, I decided to venture into the world of smartphones and was guided towards a Windows Phone.

Okay, I'm a diehard conservative as far as high tech is concerned. I was probably the last person in Spain to get a mobile at all... but peer pressure from my OH pushed me towards a sparkling new phone.

I didn't want to spend too much, so picked up a Lumia 630 unlocked phone. To be honest, I thought (and still think) it's very good. It has a lot of inbuilt goodies that I never dreamed possible.

After a month or so, news filtered through of a terrific update that would bring thrills to all. It promised to be all things to all people and would be rolled out from Microsoft during the last quarter of 2014. I couldn't believe that I was to be at the forefront of such an amazing piece of technology

Utter twaddle. I checked every day and the update never put in an appearance. Three months later, I still check every day and it still hasn't put in an appearance.

Mr. Micrsoft, your handling of this great occasion has been abysmal. You have customers by the million, hanging by their teeth, waiting for your indulgence. You have failed us all miserably.

May I speak for everyone by saying we are mightily fed up of your procrastination. You should not have forewarned us of such a great event. You should have kept your mouth shut until it was imminent. 

GET YOUR FINGER OUT and roll out this update as soon as possible.

The Shy Australian Blonde

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. ​ He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. ​ The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.... "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

YESTERDAY by AJ Barnett is #1 Best Seller in it's category

Bedlam

YESTERDAY is number 1 Best Seller in it's category

Obama's Time Machine

Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Ed Goldstraw of Leek in Staffordshire, for sending this joke.

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barack, “What does it say”

David replies, “Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Brushes with Death
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Thomson Holidays Abandon Old Age Pensioners in Jerusalem

Brushes With Death

Bedlam Humour 

 Brushes With Death

This was sent to me by ex-international model, Micheline de Marsac.

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Thomson Holidays in Jerusalem

joke - Review of Britain's NHS

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent me another joke and I thought you might enjoy it as well.

Review of Britain's NHS system

1. The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
2. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
3. The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
4. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
5. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
6. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
7. The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
8. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.
9. The Internists thought it was a diagnosis in haste, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
10. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
11. The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
12. The Pharmacists were left to contemplate the bitter pill, The Opticians could not see any light at the end of the tunnel.
13. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London .. 

Brill joke, Elsie. Thanks.

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Duck Hunter

The Duck Hunter

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent in this joke

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a pee. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Irishman and the Muslim 

The Irishman and the Muslim

Bedlam Humour

This is from Jack Chambers

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He looked at her in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy immediately handed his drink back and said, "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!"

Next post: Bedlam Humour: Penis Size 

72 Virgins

Bedlam Humour

This has been sent in by Micheline de Marsac

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up, his mentors having promised him 72 virgins in Heaven as reward.

He appeared before God. and said, "I have a request, since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who won't know what to do, can I have 72 whores?"

God regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in Heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

God replied, "Who said they were women?"

Bedlam Humour - Clean and simple

Bedlam

I love the look of this clean and simple place

The Greatest Daughter in the World

Bedlam

The Greatest Daughter in the World

Be Aware

Bedlam

Motorists everywhere - Please Be Aware