Saturday, 21 February 2015

The Aged Bridegroom


This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme
Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old... since her new husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert.

Somewhat surprised, Susan consents. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for action. And, once more they enjoy each other.

As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, dementia has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this already?

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

I Presume


This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and  I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”
The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea
what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read.”

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Nokia Lumia Update


Do you know, I'm fed up of the silly update game imposed by Microsoft. September last year, while on holiday in the UK, I decided to venture into the world of smartphones and was guided towards a Windows Phone.

Okay, I'm a diehard conservative as far as high tech is concerned. I was probably the last person in Spain to get a mobile at all... but peer pressure from my OH pushed me towards a sparkling new phone.

I didn't want to spend too much, so picked up a Lumia 630 unlocked phone. To be honest, I thought (and still think) it's very good. It has a lot of inbuilt goodies that I never dreamed possible.

After a month or so, news filtered through of a terrific update that would bring thrills to all. It promised to be all things to all people and would be rolled out from Microsoft during the last quarter of 2014. I couldn't believe that I was to be at the forefront of such an amazing piece of technology

Utter twaddle. I checked every day and the update never put in an appearance. Three months later, I still check every day and it still hasn't put in an appearance.

Mr. Micrsoft, your handling of this great occasion has been abysmal. You have customers by the million, hanging by their teeth, waiting for your indulgence. You have failed us all miserably.

May I speak for everyone by saying we are mightily fed up of your procrastination. You should not have forewarned us of such a great event. You should have kept your mouth shut until it was imminent. 

GET YOUR FINGER OUT and roll out this update as soon as possible.

Monday, 16 February 2015

The Shy Australian Blonde


This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. ​ He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says....
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".
"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. ​ The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.... "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"