Thursday, 26 May 2011

An Angry Member of the Public.

Bedlam Humour

This was sent to me by Fred Ashford -

This is a genuine complaint to GreenockPolice Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force,  lengthy but brilliantly written..... 

Dear  Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock  police  station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues  in Greenock, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I  think  you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off  Mathie Road in Gourock.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a  football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire  building.  This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works,  I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several  bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a  beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited  attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the  two bins.  If  they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I  would  happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend  them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them  and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I  suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless  assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,  why  not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when  there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before  doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen  actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these  throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I  remain your obedient servant


Mr  ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems  caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to  extend an  offer  of discussing the matter fully with you.  Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

PC ???????
Community Beat Officer


Dear  PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my  original  e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station,  and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat  Officer.

May  I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In  the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent, I  have never seen  you.  Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and  infiltrated the  gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one  with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more  serious crimes taking place in  Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words  of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within  spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to  contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's  Pub.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in  contact !!!

Thanks Fred - I think he was VERY restrained. How he managed it with expletives is beyond me...

Monday, 23 May 2011

The old lady on a cruise

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Elsie Smith from Leek, Staffs.

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!!

Lol... Love it, Elsie. Thanks for sending it.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

The 2012 Olympics

Bedlam Humour 

Ed Goldstraw from Leek has sent in another joke

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

Thanks, Ed. - A good 'un.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Generic Names and Trade Names

Bedlam Humour 

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke. I hope you like it.

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drik'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

 This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Thanks Ed - that's absolutely side-splitting. Love it.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog's parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck
  14. And last, but not least: If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.  
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Love it, Ed. Thanks for sending it.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Five Horses Is Her Name.

Bedlam Humour

This is from Ed Goldstraw and is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful...

            A man asked a Native American, the name of his wife.
            He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
            The man said, "That's an unusual name.  What does it mean?"            
            The Old Indian answered,
            "It old Indian Name. It mean...

            NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Interesting Facts

 Bedlam Humour

Here's another contribution from Ed Goldstraw of Leek in Staffordshire
  1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
  2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
  4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.
  5. Coca-Cola was originally green.
  6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)  The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
  10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
  11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
  14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David  Hearts - Charlemagne  Clubs -Alexander, the Great  Diamonds - Julius Caesar
  17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace
  21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?  Obsession
  22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand
  23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
  24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey
  25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? Father's Day
  26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
  27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.
  28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
  29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 Brilliant, Ed. Thanks for sending it in.

Monday, 2 May 2011

The Builders Merchants

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent me this joke a few days ago.

Fred asked his wife Mary if she would go to Builders Merchants and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. 

While she was waiting for the employee to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.  

When the employee was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The employee replied, "That's a gold plated tap set and the price is $4999.00

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap set. It's certainly out of my price bracket."       

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The employee said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the employee yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

Great Ed. Another good laugh.