Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Bedlam Humour: Paddy and the Mail Order Catalogue

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Fred Ashford

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Nick the dragon slayer

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Bedlam Humour: Nick the Dragon Slayer

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Ed Goldstraw from Leek, Staffs.
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick . .
The moral is, Always Pay your Bills

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Do the Maths

Monday, 9 December 2013

Do the Maths

Bedlam Humour
Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for sending this joke
The owner of a business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Next post - Bedlam Humour: British Red Uniforms

Why not try this Millionaire Romance

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Bedlam Humour: Why British Soldiers Wore Red Uniforms

Bedlam Humour

This is from Jack Chambers.

Why did the British wear red coats in battle?
During the royal wedding, millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?" 
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" 

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is that if they are wounded, the blood won't show…and the men they are leading won't panic. 

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown trousers….

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Bedlam Humour: Little Old Lady and the Vacuum Salesman

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent in this joke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Commando