Saturday 28 January 2012

Vive la difference

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this joke:

WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.  And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we made love then I fell asleep.
You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
I couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...

Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was dark, so I had to light a load of candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get an erection, and another one to make love. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on about absolutely nothing
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: You Are the Father

Monday 23 January 2012

You are the father

Bedlam Humour

Gina and Malcolm Shenton sent me this joke:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello!".

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: How to Wash the Cat

Thursday 19 January 2012

How to wash a cat

Bedlam

This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw

How to wash a cat
This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.


  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...
  2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
  4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.
  6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
  8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
  9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Britain's Fleet
 

Monday 16 January 2012

Britain's Fleet

Bedlam Viewpoint

Ed Goldstraw sent this in - it speaks volumes:
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavors, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or mustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White  Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"
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