Monday, 25 January 2010

Bedlam Humour: What are politics about?

Bedlam Humour

John Evans has sent in yet another contribution

What are politics about?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'Dad, what are Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family , so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.'

The little boy says, 'And what about Nanny? What is she?'

'Nanny.... we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake his mother, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'That's good, son. So tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'Well the President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Thanks John - I think that just about sums things up....

Why not try this for your next Kindle book - Short Story Collection

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Joke - Camilla and Prince Charles

Bedlam - humor

John Evans has been active again. Let's hope there's more to come.

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles lets out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you. With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my Navy Boy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Thanks John - very funny.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Joke - Is your retirement home too expensive?

Bedlam opinion

Another contribution from Elsie Smith of Leek, Staffs.

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the Government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison .... BUT you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.


Thanks Elsie - seems to me this is a truism wrapped up in a joke...

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Joke - Aren't older women great...

Bedlam - Humour
Thanks once more to Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire for sending this joke. She seems to have an endless store at the moment.

After being married for 44 years, the man took a careful look at his wife and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping w ith a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
His wife being a very reasonable woman told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

Thanks Elsie, very funny. Love your sense of humour. Look forward to seeing more.

Costa Blanca Carpets - Avoid them like the plague

Bedlam Opinion

Costa Blanca Carpets of Teulada .... Avoid them like the plague - go anywhere but there.

The shop has been around for many years, we knew of the company first in Benissa, and then later in Teulada, so assumed they were a reputable company - wrong!

Costa Blanca Carpets ripped us off.

Last autumn, we took a decision to have wood laminate flooring in the lounge, and vinyl cushion flooring in the kitchen.

Contrary to popular belief, during winter months, villas on the Costa Blanca can be quite cold - they don't have the insulation you see - built for summer, not winter. So we planned to start our own program of insulation. Roof spaces tend to be inaccessible without major building work, so we started on the cold tile floors.

We ordered flooring from Costa Blanca Carpets believing we had made a good choice. The flooring was expensive at 32 Euros per square metre for both the kitchen and lounge, but they assured us that high-quality products were used throughout - and we wanted a good job.

Catalogue of disaster.

We were asked for a 700 Euro deposit - not unusual over here - except that they took forever to respond - offering several excuses for their lateness. At last the flooring was installed - and it was only after this that the reason for the lateness became apparent. We believe they hoped we would have forgotten what we ordered.

They arrived in a blaze of glory and hoohaa and we left them to it. When I was at work, I hated having anyone looking over my shoulder - Big mistake to leave them.

To give them their due, they worked all day with little rest. They finished with a flourish. The rooms looked very different and were pleasing to the eye and we said so. They were very late finishing, and they'd worked hard during an exceptionally hot day, so we paid them and they rushed off - Big mistake for us.

We cleaned around and settled into the new looking lounge feeling quite chuffed - Big mistake. A short while after, my wife called me to the kitchen and said that the flooring didn't look like the one we'd ordered.

Inferior quality.

We looked at some of the off-cuts and realised the stuff was less than half the thickness of the one we wanted - less insulation, much lower quality. We went to Costa Blanca Carpets as soon as we could with a piece of off-cut and showed them that they had supplied a very inferior quality product.

They claimed it was the supplier's fault but agreed to replace it. That was 6th September 2009. 5 months later they still have not replaced the flooring. They have made excuses on almost a fornightly basis ever since - but no replacement.

Because it is of inferior quality, the kitchen flooring has since stretched and buckled and looks terrible.

The wood laminate flooring upon close examinatiion has been laid in a sloppy manner with bad joints around doorways - a very amateur and messy job.

I recently examined the laminate and lo-and-behold found that it too is of inferior quality. The laminate flooring ordered was 8mm thick. The one they supplied is only 6mm.

All in all, Costa Blanca Carpets have shown themslves to be fraudulant liars, supplying inferior products whilst charging for superior quality products. My advice - keep clear.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Joke - The little old lady

Bedlam Humour

Thanks once more to Elsie Smith for sending in this joke.
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

Great one Elsie. Keep sending them in.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Joke - The lodger

Bedlam Humour
Elsie Smith from Leek, Staffs, has sent in another joke.

The lodger
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts ," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she lifted her skirt and showed off her own pubic area.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Woohoo, Elsie. Good one. Can't stop laughing.

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Amish Boy

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Joke - The Amish boy and an elevator

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from Elsie Smith of Leek, Staffordshire.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, stainless steel doors of an elevator that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What's this Father?'
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the stainless doors and pressed a button. The doors opened, and the lady rolled between them into the small room beyond. The doors closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the doors light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the doors opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

Great stuff. Thanks Elsie. Looking forward to more.