Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Sainsbury's Greeter

Bedlam Humour

Here's another great joke from Ed Goldstraw
My one day of employment  ......
After landing a new job as a Sainsbury's greeter, (a good find for many retirees) I lasted less than a day...... 

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, and unattractive woman marched into the store dragging her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Sainsbury's. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Of course they ain't f*****g twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone actually shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Sainsbury's!"

Friday, 25 May 2012

First-year students

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from Ed Goldstraw

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the cow’s body covered with a white sheet.  

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the  butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Friday, 18 May 2012

The Old Sailor and Three Knots

Bedlam - humour

Jack Chambers sent this joke:

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for short moments and old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance. He asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Church Fart

Bedlam Humour

Fred Ashford has sent another joke

The Church Fart

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Whacky bags


How about these plastic shopping bags from Europe... Makes a boring day more interesting

Thanks to Fred Ashford for sending them

Who calculated this incredible stunt


Fred Ashford sent this video - pretty fantastic stuff

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Why Magazine models look so good


I just love this video - so funny. It was sent to me by Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire.

Why Magazine Models Look So Good

Monday, 7 May 2012

Nelson at Trafalgar - 2012

Bedlam Humour
Nelson at Trafalgar 2012

Fred Ashford has sent a joke:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' – What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

Friday, 4 May 2012

Fat Cats


Talk about fat cats -
Dr. Jennifer Steketee from the Animal Shelter in Santa Fe holds the cat called Meow who weighs an enormous 40 pounds. Two-year-old Meow was apparently given up by his owners after his weight spiralled out of control.