Thursday, 24 December 2009

Joke - Should the UK adopt The Euro?

Bedlam  Humour

Thanks to Fred Ashford for sending me this joke.

A cross-section survey of 50,000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99.9% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

Great one, Fred. Thanks. Hope no one is offended, but if they are - tough shit. We like it don't we.

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Frisky Husband

Monday, 21 December 2009

Joke - The frisky husband

Bedlam - Humour

Thank goodness for John Evans. You can always rely on him for a laugh,
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm, his usual 'starter for ten'.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Good one....Thanks John

  • Next post on Bedlam Humour: The Hotel Lobby.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Joke - The hotel lobby

Bedlam Humour

John Evans has been kind enough to send in another joke.
A man bumped into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he did so, his elbow went into her breast. They were both quite startled.

The man turned to her in embarrassment. 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She smiled coyly. 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221...'
Very funny. Thanks John.

Next post on Bedlam

Friday, 11 December 2009

Joke - Mohammed's first day

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent another joke. Haven't heard from him for a while. Hope there are more to come.

Mohammed was fresh to the area. He entered his brand new classroom. “Hello there. And what's your name?” asked the teacher.

“Mohammed,” answered the kid.

“We're in Australia and there is no ‘Mohammed’. How about we change it to fit in. From now on your name will be ‘Bruce’,” said the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” asked his mother.

“My name is not 'Mohammed'. I am an Australian and now my name is 'Bruce'.” he said proudly.

“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion?" She said. "Shame on you.” And she beat him. Then she called his father and he beat him too…

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you, little Bruce?”

“Well Miss, you won't believe it. Just two hours after becoming Australian, I was attacked by two f=cking Arabs!....”

Thanks Jack. Love it. Hope it doesn't offend.


Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Joke - Paddy in a fight

Bedlam - humour.

John Evans has sent in another joke from his huge repertoire.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have
had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Thanks John. Look forward to more from you.


Thursday, 3 December 2009

Joke - Murphy's babies

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks to Elsie Smith of Leek, Staffs, for sending in this joke.
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son. Ain't dat grand!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on. We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter. She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet.'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy.'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably somthing that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you,'s a good ting we didn't use WD-40.'

Lol Elsie. Thanks for sending it in. I look forward to your next joke......

Adult romance - WITHOUT REPROACH by Ellie Jones

Monday, 30 November 2009

Joke - Prince Charles and the hooker

Bedlam - humour

Once again John Evans has submitted a joke from his never ending store.

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?"

Good one John. Many thanks


Friday, 27 November 2009

Joke - A question of health

Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Micheline de Marsac for contributing these two jokes.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Thanks Micheline. loads of laughs.


Saturday, 7 November 2009

Joke - The new monk

Bedlam - humour

John Evans has sent another joke. I love it.

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... celebrate !!!"

Thanks John - once more, a real laugh.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Joke - The underweight baby

Bedlam Humour

John Evans has sent another joke - check it out for a good laugh -
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. Eventually he checked the baby's weight, and looking a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

He glanced at her over his glasses, then rubbed his chin. 'There seems to be a problem. Would you mind stripping down to your waist.'

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. I'm afraid you have no milk.'

'I know that,' she said, 'I'm his Grandmother.... but I'm really glad I came.'

A right laugh, thanks John.

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Monday, 19 October 2009

Joke - The Geography of People.

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from one of my stalwart suppliers of laughter, John Evans.
The Geography of a Woman
  • Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
  • Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
  • Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
  • Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
  • Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
  • Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
  • Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
  • After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
  • Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

Hey John - great one. Many thanks.


Saturday, 17 October 2009

Joke - What type of bra?

Bedlam - humour .

Here's another joke from Elsie Smith.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'But I have to admit, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.'

Many thanks Elsie. Loads of lauggghs.

Next post on Bedlam.


Thursday, 15 October 2009

Joke - The philosophy of ambiguity

Bedlam - humour

Here's a joke sent to me by Victoria Lange of Restaurante Paraiso Parcent, from one of her customers David Reeley. I thinks it's very clever....
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity....( as well as the
idiosyncrasies of english)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
    girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help
    section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
    considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times do they become
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
Thanks for that Victoria and David, loved them.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Bedlam Humour: Pissing on the Tax Man

Bedlam Humour.

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has sent in another joke. I found it absolutely hilarious.
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side of the room, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now. "Not a drop?"
"Not a drop."
The auditor looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage a stunt like that, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."

Wonderful, Elsie. Hope you find many more like it.

Try this adult contemporary romance on Kindle

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Joke - Why MEN should write advice columns.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent in another joke. Not heard from him for a while, let's hope he's back to stay....
Why Men Should Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
John's reply...
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check all rounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John
Love it Jack. Keep sending them.


Sunday, 11 October 2009

A puzzling moment

Bedlam - comment

My wife is a bit pissed off at the moment.

Like a lot of people she enjoys a crossword or two, and a bit of Sudoku when she can - reckons it keeps the old brain cells from getting sticky - and I have to agree, keeping the grey matter active keeps you young.

BUT....she thought she was having a peculiar senior-moment when she immediately recognized the answers to a crossword in the 'Round Town News'.... After a bit of checking, it turns out the same puzzle has been in the paper for three weeks on the trot....

Ah well.....


Friday, 9 October 2009

Ireland's biggest robbery

Bedlam - humour.

John Evans sent this in. I found it very umusing. See what you think.

"The Vanilla Pudding Robbery"

This is an excerpt from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach."

The newspaper headline read:


Love it John. Very funny. Thanks for sending it in. Hope to see more.


Thursday, 8 October 2009

Joke - Four old men

Bedlam - humour .

Kath Chambers has sent in another joke.

Four old men were sitting round a campfire near the beach philosophising about what the fastest thing in the world might be.

One of the men poked the fire. “I think the fastest thing is probably a thought -because before you can think, it’s already thought.”

His friend shook his head. “No man, the fastest thing in the world is a blink because before you can think to blink, you done blink already.”

The old man opposite laughed aloud at this. “No,” he said. “You’re both wrong. The fastest thing in the world is electricity because when you turn on the light it travels fast and the light comes on straight away. There isn’t a pause, man. It just happens.”

The fourth old man shifted in his seat. “You’re all wrong. The fastest thing ever, is diarrhoea.”

“Get out of it!”

“I’m telling you it is. Last night before I could think, blink or switch the light on, I shit myself.”

Thanks for that Kath - I love it. Hilarious.


Saturday, 3 October 2009

Funniest ever mating ritual

Bedlam humour .

I've just watched one of the funniest video clips I've seen for ages. When Stephen Fry goes in search of a rare bird in New Zealand, he finds himself privy to an unusual mating ritual which is "one of the funniest things he has ever seen". Mating ritual. Please take a look. I can promise it's a real scream.


Monday, 28 September 2009

Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg

Bedlam - opinion .

So you think have a good idea. What do you do now? What happens next?

If you're a teenager at university you might just be on track to making a few million bucks. Take a look at this article about Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg. He came up with the idea of making a software version of a traditional college facebook whilst studying at Harvard..... and boy did it catch on.


Joke - Tommy and the Bull

Bedlam - Humor.

This joke is from Kath Chambers. A right scream.

Little Tommy rushed into the farmhouse and said, 'Mummy, mummy, come look. The bull is f *** ing one of the cows'
His mother's jaw dropped, 'Tommy,' she scolded. 'You must never say that word again. You should say, the bull is surprising one of the cows. "
A week later, Tommy runs into the farmhouse once more. 'Mummy, mummy,' he said excitedly 'The bull is Surprising ALL of the cows. "
His mother shook her head. 'Now Tommy, do not be silly. The bull can not surprise ALL the cows. "
Tommy nodded vigorously. 'Yes it can ....'
'No it can not, Tommy. "
'Yes it can .... It's f **** ing the horse. "

Thanks Kath. A real laugh ......

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Joke - The maid's pay rise.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has found a new joke - he's always a good source of humour.

The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to head it off by tackling her about it. She said firmly, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria was coy. 'Your husband said so.'

Wife, 'Oh...'

Maria continued shyly, 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

The wife started to get irate. 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria hung her head. 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh...'

'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife was really furious now. 'And I suppose my husband said that as well?'

'No Senora....the gardener did.'

Wife, 'So how much raise do you want?'

Great laugh, Jack. Thanks for sending it.

next post

Monday, 21 September 2009

Joke - Christmas trees and men...

Bedlam humour.

Here's another joke from Sonia Biddulph of Leek, Staffs, England. She keeps coming up with short, sweet jokes that tickle my fancy.....

Why is a christmas tree better than a man???

It stays up for twelve whole days and twelve nights, has rather cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!

Thanks for that, Sonia. You're a real bundle of laughs.


Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Joke - Why do women orgasm

Bedlam - humour

This is with permission from my Facebook friend Sonia Biddulph from Leek, Staffs.,

Why do women orgasm? -  So they can moan even when they're happy?
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other.. "I've got a huge crack!" the other egg replies "Stop f***ing teasing me, I'm not hard yet!"
Thanks Sonia - a real laugh....


    Tuesday, 15 September 2009

    Joke - Two Indian Junkies

    Bedlam - humour

    This joke comes by kind permission of Sonia Biddulph of Leek.

    Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka

    Hilarious. Thanks Sonia. I hope you have some more tucked away.


    Joke - The Beach

    Bedlam - humour

    John Evans sent this joke - hope it doesn't offend....

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were strolling past enjoying the day, and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The first woman went over to him and said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'

    The man shook his head and said 'No!' So she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

    The man said 'No.' She gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The third woman walked over to him, bent over so low that her breasts almost popped out and whispered in his ear, 'Have you ever been f***d?'

    The fellow looked up in amazement and a smile spread over his face as he said in a thick voice, 'No, I haven't.'

    She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in . . . '

    Lol, John. Haven't heard from you for a few days...


    Monday, 14 September 2009

    Joke - The nurse that laughed

    Bedlam - humour

    Jack Chambers sent in this joke - short but sweet.

    'Okay then,' said Fred, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse made an excuse and left, where-upon she started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure and make her way back to the patient.

    'I am sorry,' she said swallowing down her mirth. 'Something came up. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

    'My 'thingy' is swollen,' Fred replied. 'It won't go down....'

    BIG laugh.... Thanks for that Jack. Good one.

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    Saturday, 12 September 2009

    Joke - Curtain rods

    Bedlam - humour

    We have another contribution from Elsie Smith.


    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods then replaced the ferrule. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 10% of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day . She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!

    Love it Elsie. Thanks for sending it in. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

    Friday, 11 September 2009

    Joke - Why you shouldn't eat too much garlic.....

    Bedlam - humour.

    This joke was sent in by Elsie Smith, of Leek, Staffs. I found it hilarious. Hope you do too.

    There is more than one reason why you shouldn't eat too much garlic.

    Wonderful, Elsie. Send me more.....

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    Joke - The Polish man in America

    Bedlam - humour

    Fred Ashford has sent another joke. Hope you like it.

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    'Have you any grounds for divorce?'

    'Yes, an acre and half and nice little house.'

    The lawyer smiled. 'No, I meant what foundation do you have?'

    'It's made of concrete.'

    'I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?'

    'No, we have carport, and not need one.'

    'No, I mean, what are your relations like?'

    'All my relations still in Poland.'

    The lawyer sighed and leaned back in the chair. 'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

    'Yes.... we have stereo and good DVD player.'

    After a long pause the lawyer tried again. 'Does your wife beat you up"?

    'No, I always up before her.'

    'Look this isn't helping, I'm trying to find grounds for divorce..... Is your wife a nagger?'

    'No, she white.'

    The lawyer rubbed his forehead in exasperation. 'This is getting nowhere..... Look, why do you want this divorce"?

    'She going to kill me.'

    'Kill you.... And just what makes you think that?'

    'I got proof.'

    The lawyer sounded sarcastic. 'And just what kind of proof do you have?'

    'She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.'


    'I can read. Don't think I can't read. This bottle it say: "Polish Remover".'

    Don't you just love confusion. Thanks Fred.

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    Thursday, 10 September 2009

    Joke - How to make a woman happy

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Fred Ashford for sending this joke.

    How to make a woman happy.
    A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE: A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a gardener, a homebuilder, a stylist, a diplomat, a provider, a sexologist, a gynaecologist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father,very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant, prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable and passionate.
    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: give her compliments, love shopping, be honest, be rich, not stress her out, and not look at other girls.
    AT THE SAME TIME: give her lots of attention, give her lots of space and never worry where she goes.
    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: Never to forget; birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.
    How to make a man happy:-
    Feed him, give him sex and leave him in peace!
    A fairly comprehensive list there, Fred. Like it........

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    Wednesday, 9 September 2009

    Joke - The wife's headaches are gone....

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending this joke.

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

    'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

    His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

    'Well, that's wonderful', proclaims the husband.

    His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

    Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

    The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up, her head spinning. 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

    Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying ..... 'She's not my wife She's not my wife She's not my wife'

    His funeral service will be held Saturday.

    Whoops!!! Thanks Jack, may there be many more - jokes that is....

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    Sunday, 6 September 2009

    Joke - The wallet thieves

    Bedlam - humour

    Thanks to Jack Chambers for this joke.


    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look, especially with all the rain we have been having.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

    On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

    So Be Warned!

    P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

    Love it, Jack. Thanks for sending it.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009

    Joke - The marriage therapist

    Bedlam - humour.

    John Evans has contacted me with another joke. Very good too.

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

    Very funny, John. Thanks.

    Friday, 4 September 2009

    Joke - The heart specialist's funeral

    Bedlam Humour.
    Fred Ashford has emailed yet another joke.
    One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

    When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

    Suddenly, one of the mourners started to titter with laughter.

    Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him glared and said, 'Why are you laughing? What do you find amusing?'

    'I was just wondering what will happen at my own funeral,' the man replied.

    'I'm a gynaecologist'

    Thanks Fred. Nice one...

    Joke - Little Billy wants to know.....

    Bedlam Humour

    Fred Ashford has sent this joke.
    Little Billy was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

    His grandmother, a little taken aback, but priding herself on being a forward thinking person, decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

    Little Billy frowned, but said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

    Lol... Thanks Fred. Any more???

    Next post on Bedlam.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009

    Joke - The lil' ole employment lady and the Texan

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Jack Chambers, for sending this.

    A Scruffy looking Texan, well known for his lazy ways and never having worked a day in his life, walked into the local employment office, marched straight up to the counter and said: 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

    The lil' ole lady behind the counter looked over the top of her glasses: 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.'


    'You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided, though.'

    The Texan whistled and thumbed his dirty shirt. 'That's amazing!'

    'The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year.'

    The Scruffy Texan straightened his shoulders: 'You're bullshitting me!'

    The lil' ole lady behind the counter smiled sweetly. 'Well you started it!'

    Another great joke from Jack. If you liked it, a thumbs up on Stumble to give some publicity would be terrific.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009

    Joke - How to get to heaven

    Bedlam Humour.

    Here's a joke from fellow writer, Mark Sadler. Mark, author of 'Blood on His Hands', describes himself as a Brit stranded in the Tucson desert.

    How to get to Heaven
    The sweet young Sunday-school teacher was testing children in her Dublin class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

    'NO!' the children answered.

    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, the answer was 'NO!'

    By now the sweet young thing was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, they all shouted out, 'NO!'

    She was just about bursting with pride for them, so continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

    A six year-old boy in the back of the room shouted out, "YUV’ GOTTA’ BE FOOK’N DEAD...."

    Good one Mark. Hope you find time to send in more.
    Next post on Bedlam.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009

    Joke - An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser

    Bedlam Humour.

    Jack Chambers is responsible for submitting this joke - and brilliant it is, too.
    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's A Miracle!'

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle'

    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit'.
    Great laugh! Thanks Jack.

    Next post on Bedlam.

    Stan Nicholls at Restaurant Paraiso, Parcent

    Bedlam - comment.

    It seems that word of one of my favourite eating places, is getting around.... Restaurant Paraiso, on the edge of the tiny inland village of Parcent on the Costa Blanca is to be visited by fantasy writer, Stan Nicholls.

    Stan Nicholls, author of numerous fantasy novels, is perhaps best known for the 'Orcs' series and 'Quicksilver' trilogy. The first two novel in the Orcs First Blood series, Bodyguard of Lightning and Legion of Thunder, received best novel nominations at the 1999 British Fantasy Awards - showing the esteem in which Stan Nicholls is held.

    So if you're in the area, you know where authors hang out.....

    Monday, 31 August 2009

    Joke - The Liverpool fan

    Bedlam - humour.

    Whoa there! Jack chambers has sent a stop press.....

    A Primary Teacher in Liverpool explains to her class that she's a Liverpool fan.
    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand'?

    'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replies.

    The teacher, still surprised, asks, 'Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then what team do you support?

    'I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replies.

    The teacher can't believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Manchester United fan?'

    'Because my mum is a Manchester United fan, and my dad is a Manchester United fan, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!'

    'Well,' says the teacher in an annoyed tone, 'That's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan.'

    'Why not?'

    'Well....You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

    'Then,' Mary smiles sweetly, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

    Thanks Jack, very funny.

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