Sunday, 31 May 2009

Irish Jokes.

Bedlam Humour.

Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending me these jokes.

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said, "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!"

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I’m going to have the day off, I’m going to pretend I’m mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts, "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can’t work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks, "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says, "Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says, "What’s his name?"
Mick replies "Somebody called Miles, says here he’s from London!"
Thanks for the funnies, Jack. Great stuff, like normal.

*** Irish Jokes, Irish Jokes, Irish Jokes, Irish Jokes ***
End of post - Irish Jokes.

Friday, 29 May 2009

Amy Winehouse and a St Lucian chef

Bedlam comment.

Amy Winehouse making a fuss again.

Disturbed, distressed and permanently drunk, is how you might describe singer Amy Winehouse. At the moment she's on an extensive visit to St Lucia, but has said she won’t return to Britain unless she comes across a St Lucian chef willing to go back with her.

Amy, who is living in the Caribbean island, has apparently already commenced asking chefs to move back to London with her."She often eats St Lucian feasts courtesy of one of her favourite restaurants, The Pier at the Sandals Halcyon resort. She has had her friends make enquiries with some of the chefs at Sandals and some other restaurants on the island. That way, being back will not be too hard to deal with," said a close friend of the troubled star.

"One of Amy's favourite things about St Lucia is the food and she'd love to have that as a reminder of the island when she is back in the UK," another friend said.

I say, come out of your drugged and drunken stupor, start singing again, and realise what the rest of the world has to put up with…. You’re talented and bloody lucky. Stop pissing your life away.

End of post - Amy Winehouse and a St Lucian chef

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Amy Winehouse and the demon drink

Bedlam - opinion.

It’s been claimed that Amy Winehouse turned to drink to "overcome the boredom of being away from her friends" whilst in St. Lucia.

Poor old Amy! You’d think with her money she’d find something to do, like return to the UK whenever she feels like it.

Earlier this month, Amy Winehouse appalled fans with a disastrous concert at a festival on the Caribbean island. She was later taken to hospital. Apparently, dehydration, because of a marathon drinking session, had taken its levy. She had a massive hang-over

Her mother said, "Amy knows her drinking caused the disastrous performance. Of course her band is frustrated, but even they can't stop her."

Amy's dad, has encouraged the eccentric singer throughout her addiction problems but her mother says he is now having time away from her. "He hasn't cut her off," she said. "But he's taken a step back."

Last week Amy Winehouse pulled out of a performance to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Island Records - forcing the 482nd apology from her management.

Sher mother said, "It's just another one of Amy's addictions getting the better of her. It is just another demon she has to beat. She came off drugs on her own so I know she'll stop drinking. It has to be her decision though, no one else can stop her."

It’s about time Amy Winehouse started behaving like a human being. That she’s very talented is in no doubt. That she’s part of society is.

*** Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse ***

End of post.

Swimming pool

Bedlam - Interest.

Wow - the swimming pool is almost 30C (86F) now - superb. The cover does an excellent job.

You can walk straight in without batting an eyelid - love it. Went in after finishing some screeding around my new pergola - a welcome dip indeed.

End of post - swimming pool

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Joke - The immigrant

Bedlam Humour.

My thanks to John Evans for passing me this joke. Hope you like.

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy,waving her wand.

‘I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like the British.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!

I thought it was great. Thanks John.

End of post - Joke - The immigrant

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Joke - Putting your house in order

Bedlam - Humour.

Once again I have a joke from the never ending supply that Jack Chambers sends. Thanks Jack - nice one.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said to his woman patient, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don'tgo so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,' Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

End of post - Joke - Putting your house in order.

Joke - The Nudist Colony

Bedlam - Humour

My thanks go out to John Evans for sending me this joke - enjoy.

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area... A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here.. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean? ' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

He was aghast. But the huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.

''But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.

''Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

End of post - Joke - The Nudist Colony

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Leek quiz team play against Eggheads

Bedlam comment.

I hadn't even realised my old town had a prominent quiz team. Not only do they have a prominent team, they're a team that perform damn well. I was raised on the outskirts of Leek, before moving to the Stoke on Trent area (BEFORE finally moving to Spain of course), so they have my full allegiance.

Congratulations Leekensians.

I watched you tonight against the Eggheads - did yourselves proud.

The Leekensians quiz team took the Eggheads to 'sudden death' on several occasions, including the final.

Well done.

*** Leekensians, Eggheads, Leekensians, Eggheads, Leekensians, Eggheads ***

Friday, 1 May 2009

Joke - OCD

Bedlam humour.

Do individuals suffering OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder ) become exasperated by their infirmity because the letters are not in alphabetical order?

Love it...

End of post - Joke, OCD