Thursday, 30 April 2009

Swine flu and Stoke on Trent

Bedlam comment.

Whoops!!! It seems like my old home town is under fire. THIRTEEN patients are being tested for suspected swine flu in the Stoke on Trent area. It’s still too soon to know if anyone has been confirmed as having the disease – but it doesn’t bode well.

The people all developed flu-like symptoms after returning from Mexico. I just hope they’re negative. I suppose it’s all too easy to develop hesteria and think you have swine-flu when it’s just a cold…. But better to be safe than sorry, I say.


Across the country three cases of the flu were confirmed yesterday – in Torbay, Redditch and North London. Two people are recovering after treatment for the disease in Scotland.

Now, chemist shops are apparently rationing stocks of anti-viral drugs as a precaution, as fears of a global pandemic grow.

I’ll bet the chemists have some for themselves and their families tucked to one side, though….

*** Swine flu, Swine flu, Swine flu ***

End of post on Bedlam - Swine flu and Stoke on Trent

Joke - The swimmer

Bedlam - humour

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

Later in the day, she jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.'

Hope you enjoyed.

End of post - Joke, The swimmer

Thursday, 23 April 2009

In the swim

Bedlam comment

Here at last.

After all sorts of odd weather patterns, we've had four clear days of lovely warm sun. We thought it was never going to happen. We've had several false starts but it finally seems to have turned warm. I can't tell you how glad we are. After all, it's one of the main reasons we came to Spain.

The pool hit almost 22C today - so we had to have it. Val and I took the first swim of the year.

Brrr... a bit cool to start with, but boy - did we feel better for it. Hope we can keep it up now. Hope the weather doesn't turn back again.


Monday, 6 April 2009

Joke - Which part of your body goes to Heaven first

Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Jack Chambers for e-mailing this joke. I don't know where he keeps getting them from.... but I'm glad he does.

Which part of your body goes to heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your Feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest expression on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!' 'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun's expression subtly changed ...

Wonderful. Love it. Thanks Jack, keep sending them in

End of post - Which part of your body goes to Heaven first.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Joke - The Immigrants Poem

Bedlam Humour

My thanks to Fred Ashford for this contribution. Keep 'em rolling lads.

The Immigrants Poem

I cross the ocean, poor and broke. Take a bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there. He say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send your cash right to your door.' Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keeps you healthy!

By and by, I get more money, thanks to you, you British dummies! I write to friends in the motherland. Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and drive Ford trucks, and I buy big house with welfare bucks! They come to me, we live together. More welfare cheques, so it gets better!

Fourteen families, moving in, but neighbour's patience wearing thin. Finally, neighbour moves away. Now I buy his house, and then I say,

'Find more immigrants for house to rent.' And in the yard I put up tent. Every thing is very good, and soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, we call it called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!

British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here. We think UK darn good place. Too darn good for British race!

But if they no like us, they can scram, there’s lots of room in Afghanistan!

Not sure how the PC crowd will view it, but there again, I don't suppose they like any jokes, not about the Limey's the Yanks, the Jocks, the Poms the the Aussies the Frogs and especially not about the Pakis....

End of post - The Immigrants Poem

Friday, 3 April 2009

Joke - The rude customer

Bedlam humour.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny. She made quite a point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from
service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ' I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He said loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she said, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, ( I love this bit ).... 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

I thought that was great. Wish I could be so quick thinking.

End of post - The rude customer

*** The rude customer, The rude customer, The rude customer ***


Thursday, 2 April 2009

The coincidence of Lincoln and Kennedy,

Bedlam post

My thanks to Jack Chambers for this contribution.

Coincidence or what!

  • Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
  • Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
  • Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
  • Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
  • Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
  • Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.

  • Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
  • Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
  • Both were assassinated by Southerners.
  • Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
  • Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
  • Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
  • John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
  • Both assassins were known by their three names.
  • Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.

  • Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
  • Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
  • Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
  • Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
  • Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

I have no idea if these facts are true, but if they are .... wow! How can so many coincidences happen between two men, so many years apart?

End of post - The coincidence of Lincoln and Kennedy

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Don't shop at Carrefour, Benidorm

Bedlam view.

I'm about to start repairing the terrible wind damage to my garden - if you didn't catch my earlier post, my gazebo and courtyard have been shredded.

After a few false starts we located a suitable gazebo/pergola in the garden department of Carrefour hypermarket at Finestrat (Benidorm). Good price - looked a reasonable construction, so today we went, clutching our wallets.

Don't shop at Carrefour, Benidorm.

What a disappointment the day turned out to be. I can only say - DON'T bother going to Carrefour, Benidorm garden department to purchase anything.

We waited and waited for attention. I approached the girl on the till twice for someone to come to us - no response. There were two other couples wanting to purchase something from the garden department and they were waiting too. One couple wanted a brick BBQ and the other a larger gazebo/pergola than us. Nobody arrived. We all waited like dummies - all fuming. The thing is, between us, we were interested in about 1500 - 2000 euros of goods - not to be sneezed at.

Eventually I was so pissed off we stormed away from the ignorant bitch, who simply shrugged her shoulders - couldn't care less.

Try having a drink

We went for a drink at the one of the store's caf├ęs, and after I'd calmed down, my wife persuaded me to have another shot at it - after all, we'd travelled almost twenty-five miles to buy it. There was a different assistant on the till when we went back so I explained what we wanted to purchase. She radioed for someone -great stuff -getting somewhere at last.

We waited , and waited, and waited - and guess what - I became pissed off. The assistant on the till radioed again. Eventually a young woman arrived in a huff - gave a bit of bad-mouthing to the till-assistant which I couldn't follow because she spoke too fast - but it was obvious she thought her job too important to bother with mere customers...

You can't have that one

She came with us to the gazebo, shrugged her shoulders and told us abruptly we couldn't have that one. We could have any of the others, but not that one. She didn't even say sorry....

That was no bloody good. They were the wrong size or we didn't like them.

Boy was I pissed off.... but we've found this before over here - an element of Spanish shop assistants have no idea how to treat customers. They've never heard of politeness, tact or customer awareness! Don't they realise, without satisfied customers they will eventually have no job?

  • Why were the Carrefour, Benidorm shop assitants so bloody ignorant?
  • Why did we have to wait in Carrefour, Benidorm so long to get served?
  • Why wasn't there a notice in Carrefour, Benidorm saying the item was no longer available - it would have saved all this hassle?
  • Why did none of the assistants at Carrefour, Benidorm apologize for the inconvenience?

Mr. Carrefour. Your store assistants in the garden department of Finestrat (Benidorm) hypermarket are arrogant, unhelpful, shits. Their shabby attitude absolutely makes my blood boil. Get your store sorted out or you might soon have no customers left....

End of post - Don't shop at Carrefour

*** Carrefour, Benidorm Carrefour, Benidorm Carrefour, Benidorm ***