Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Silence In Court

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Gina and Malcolm Shenton, in North Wales

Silence in court
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

A Neat Selection

Bedlam Humour

These jokes were sent in by Fred Ashford

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That's easy" he said "Popeye knocked hell out of them!!"

Sunday, 8 March 2015

The Automatic Machine...


This joke is another from Joyce and Roy Critchlow.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, and he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. 
 When the fun was over, he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Questions that Need Answering


Joyce and Roy Critchlow have sent another funny joke

Questions that Need Answering
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Sunday, 1 March 2015

The Liverpool Girl


This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready, or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."