Tuesday, 18 October 2016

The Sex Hypnotist

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from John and Maureen Evans from Alcalali, Spain.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been  having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' 
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 
' I do not have a headache  I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' 
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. 
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' 
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' 
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.  
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' 
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims. 
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Sunday, 16 October 2016


Bedlam Humour

This is yet another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in year. 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it 
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list

Monday, 10 October 2016

Did You Know About This

Bedlam Humour

Here is another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow, of Newcastle under Lyme

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Things you Really Should Know

Bedlam Humour

Another joke from Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under lyme....

Things to know

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00
The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

The Greek and the Scotsman

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow of Newcastle under Lyme

A Greek and a Scotsman were sittng in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"