Thursday, 30 January 2014

Bedlam Humour: Heaven Don't Want Me

Bedlam Humour

Love this from my friend Jaz Izard in Burton on Trent, UK. She's so funny and so original

"I'll live forever because heaven don't want me and the devil is scared of being my bitch."
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For your next Kindle book, why not try:

YESTERDAY - #17 in Women's Short Story Collections on Amazon UK

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Can't find the book

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

If You Can't Find the Book

Bedlam Humour

Love this one sent in by Fred Ashford

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The Australian Ventriloquist

Bedlam Humour
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local , 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' 

The villager says, 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' 

The Kiwi gave a look of extreme shock. The Ventriloquist says, 'Is this villager your owner?'

Dog: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' 

The Kiwi took on a look of utter disbelief. 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' 

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' 

Horse: 'Cool'  

Ventriloquist pointed to the villager. 'Is this your owner?' 

 Horse: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..' 

The Kiwi looked totally amazed. The Ventriloquist says, 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' 

Kiwi went into sudden panic. 'The sheep's a friggin' liar.'

For your next Kindle book, why not consider a HORROR STORY 

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Never argue with a woman

Monday, 20 January 2014

Never Argue With a Woman Who Reads

Bedlam Humour

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies,

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

For your next Kindle book why not read a short story collection

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Bedlam Humour: The best form of exercise

Bedlam Humour

This has been sent in by my friends Gina and Malcolm Shenton from Wales
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift his beer belly.

For your next Kindle read why not try a short story collection

Friday, 17 January 2014

Bedlam Humour: I'm a Senior Citizen

Bedlam Humour


I'm the life and soul of the party...... even if it lasts until 8pm.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting in long queues, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Jonathan Ross, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....
I'm beginning to realizing that ageing is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Bedlam Humour: How to Live

Bedlam Humour

How to live 

For your next Kindle book why not try a short story collection

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Illegal immigrants

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Friday, 3 January 2014

Bedlam Humour: The Little Boy and the School Play

Bedlam Humour

This is another joke from Fred Ashford
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad says, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Paddy's wife

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Bedlam Humour: Paddy's wife has an affair

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Fred Ashford
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and tells her he is going to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head. His wife starts to smirk.
He glares at her and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

Next post - Bedlam Humour: E-mail