Sunday, 30 May 2010

The Schnauzer needs hair remover


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Bedlam - Humour
Elsie Smith has contributed yet another brilliant joke

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Thanks Elsie, you're a gem.

The Irish Letter Bomb

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Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Elsie Smith, from Leek in Staffordshire for sending this joke

Two Irishmen making a letter bomb

Paddy- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?

Mick- Dunno open it and see.

Paddy- But it will explode.

Mick - Don't be dumb Paddy its not addressed to you.

Thanks for that Elsie. Short but sweet - and as funny as ever....

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Silly Banker....

Bedlam - Humour
Jack Chambers has sent another joke.

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????'

Thanks Jack - brilliant.


next post

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

The lady wanted cyanide

Bedlam Humour

The Lady Wanted Cyanide

Fred Ashford has sent in another joke. Hope you like it.
A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!"

"Just a small amount will do"

"They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen."

She pleaded with him, "I won't tell if you don't"

The pharmacist shook his head. "Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Thanks for that Fred - good one as usual. Keep 'em rolling.

  Short Moments


Tuesday, 4 May 2010

A Blonde goes to Heaven

Bedlam - Humour

Thanks once more to Jack Chambers for sending another joke.
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry' St Peter said 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool', said the blonde. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions'.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter T? The second is How many seconds are there in a year? The third is What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"


'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about it and when I call you, I shall expect you to have those answers.'

So the blonde went away and started thinking.

The following morning, St Peter called on the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied: 'I have....'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said 'Today and tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer decided that indeed the answer could be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied, 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest.'

'Really' said St Peter, 'So whats the answer?'

'It's Andy.'


'Yes, Andy' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at that answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...........

Wonderful Jack. I love your sense of humour

Monday, 3 May 2010

A game of golf

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has been busy again - sending in good jokes. Take a peep and see if it tickles your fancy.

A Game of Golf

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man had a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Brilliant, Jack. Many thanks. I love it.


Sunday, 2 May 2010

HillBilly divorce

Bedlam - Humour

Thanks once more to Jack Chambers for sending another joke. Hope you like it...


A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer frowned, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.'

The lawyer sighed, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, course I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer started to get exasperated, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer shook his head, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is at the end of his tether but tries one last question. He said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

Lol .... Wonderful Jack - up to your usual high standard ...... Many thanks.

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