Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Joke: Fatality at Ann Summers party

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent in another Joke: 
Subject: Fatality at Ann Summers:
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modeling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Dammit, it wasn't that creased in the shop. What's happened?'
The funeral is next Friday

Great joke, Elsie. Keep sending them in.

For your next Kindle book try Women's Fiction

Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Pastor's Ass

Friday, 25 June 2010

The Pastor's Ass - joke

Bedlam - Humour

Edgar Goldstraw of Leek has sent in another joke:
Here's a little CLEAN humor with a good moral ...
'The Pastor's Ass'

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.. The next day, the local paper headline read:
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the papers read:
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life... ..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Great joke, Edgar. Many thanks.

For your next Kindle book why not try 
Women's Fiction

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Socrates

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Socrates was not so wise after all - joke



Bedlam Humour

Edgar Goldstraw from Leek, Staffs sent in this joke:-
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day a friend ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not exactly."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed, and walked away. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

Of course, it also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was
f***ing his wife.
Brilliant, Ed. Send in some more soon.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Joke - Irish Viagra

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has sent yet another joke.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

'What on earth is that?'

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.'

Good one Jack.

Joke - Colin, the Aborigine

Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
All About Write - 10 Top Writing tips

Bedlam - Humour

Jack Chambers has sent another joke:-
Colin, the Aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when the re was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody stared at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said, "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'

Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'
Lol - I love it, Jack. Thanks

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Women - joke

Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
All About Write - 10 Top Writing tips

Bedlam - humour

Thanks to John Evans for this joke. Quite funny.

Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century

'If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

Brill, John. Many thanks.