Monday, 28 September 2009

Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg

Bedlam - opinion .

So you think have a good idea. What do you do now? What happens next?

If you're a teenager at university you might just be on track to making a few million bucks. Take a look at this article about Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg. He came up with the idea of making a software version of a traditional college facebook whilst studying at Harvard..... and boy did it catch on.


Joke - Tommy and the Bull

Bedlam - Humor.

This joke is from Kath Chambers. A right scream.

Little Tommy rushed into the farmhouse and said, 'Mummy, mummy, come look. The bull is f *** ing one of the cows'
His mother's jaw dropped, 'Tommy,' she scolded. 'You must never say that word again. You should say, the bull is surprising one of the cows. "
A week later, Tommy runs into the farmhouse once more. 'Mummy, mummy,' he said excitedly 'The bull is Surprising ALL of the cows. "
His mother shook her head. 'Now Tommy, do not be silly. The bull can not surprise ALL the cows. "
Tommy nodded vigorously. 'Yes it can ....'
'No it can not, Tommy. "
'Yes it can .... It's f **** ing the horse. "

Thanks Kath. A real laugh ......

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Joke - The maid's pay rise.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has found a new joke - he's always a good source of humour.

The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to head it off by tackling her about it. She said firmly, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria was coy. 'Your husband said so.'

Wife, 'Oh...'

Maria continued shyly, 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

The wife started to get irate. 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria hung her head. 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh...'

'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife was really furious now. 'And I suppose my husband said that as well?'

'No Senora....the gardener did.'

Wife, 'So how much raise do you want?'

Great laugh, Jack. Thanks for sending it.

next post

Monday, 21 September 2009

Joke - Christmas trees and men...

Bedlam humour.

Here's another joke from Sonia Biddulph of Leek, Staffs, England. She keeps coming up with short, sweet jokes that tickle my fancy.....

Why is a christmas tree better than a man???

It stays up for twelve whole days and twelve nights, has rather cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!

Thanks for that, Sonia. You're a real bundle of laughs.


Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Joke - Why do women orgasm

Bedlam - humour

This is with permission from my Facebook friend Sonia Biddulph from Leek, Staffs.,

Why do women orgasm? -  So they can moan even when they're happy?
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other.. "I've got a huge crack!" the other egg replies "Stop f***ing teasing me, I'm not hard yet!"
Thanks Sonia - a real laugh....


    Tuesday, 15 September 2009

    Joke - Two Indian Junkies

    Bedlam - humour

    This joke comes by kind permission of Sonia Biddulph of Leek.

    Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka

    Hilarious. Thanks Sonia. I hope you have some more tucked away.


    Joke - The Beach

    Bedlam - humour

    John Evans sent this joke - hope it doesn't offend....

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were strolling past enjoying the day, and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The first woman went over to him and said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'

    The man shook his head and said 'No!' So she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

    The man said 'No.' She gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The third woman walked over to him, bent over so low that her breasts almost popped out and whispered in his ear, 'Have you ever been f***d?'

    The fellow looked up in amazement and a smile spread over his face as he said in a thick voice, 'No, I haven't.'

    She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in . . . '

    Lol, John. Haven't heard from you for a few days...


    Monday, 14 September 2009

    Joke - The nurse that laughed

    Bedlam - humour

    Jack Chambers sent in this joke - short but sweet.

    'Okay then,' said Fred, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse made an excuse and left, where-upon she started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure and make her way back to the patient.

    'I am sorry,' she said swallowing down her mirth. 'Something came up. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

    'My 'thingy' is swollen,' Fred replied. 'It won't go down....'

    BIG laugh.... Thanks for that Jack. Good one.

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    Saturday, 12 September 2009

    Joke - Curtain rods

    Bedlam - humour

    We have another contribution from Elsie Smith.


    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods then replaced the ferrule. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 10% of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day . She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!

    Love it Elsie. Thanks for sending it in. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

    Friday, 11 September 2009

    Joke - Why you shouldn't eat too much garlic.....

    Bedlam - humour.

    This joke was sent in by Elsie Smith, of Leek, Staffs. I found it hilarious. Hope you do too.

    There is more than one reason why you shouldn't eat too much garlic.

    Wonderful, Elsie. Send me more.....

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    Joke - The Polish man in America

    Bedlam - humour

    Fred Ashford has sent another joke. Hope you like it.

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    'Have you any grounds for divorce?'

    'Yes, an acre and half and nice little house.'

    The lawyer smiled. 'No, I meant what foundation do you have?'

    'It's made of concrete.'

    'I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?'

    'No, we have carport, and not need one.'

    'No, I mean, what are your relations like?'

    'All my relations still in Poland.'

    The lawyer sighed and leaned back in the chair. 'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

    'Yes.... we have stereo and good DVD player.'

    After a long pause the lawyer tried again. 'Does your wife beat you up"?

    'No, I always up before her.'

    'Look this isn't helping, I'm trying to find grounds for divorce..... Is your wife a nagger?'

    'No, she white.'

    The lawyer rubbed his forehead in exasperation. 'This is getting nowhere..... Look, why do you want this divorce"?

    'She going to kill me.'

    'Kill you.... And just what makes you think that?'

    'I got proof.'

    The lawyer sounded sarcastic. 'And just what kind of proof do you have?'

    'She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.'


    'I can read. Don't think I can't read. This bottle it say: "Polish Remover".'

    Don't you just love confusion. Thanks Fred.

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    Thursday, 10 September 2009

    Joke - How to make a woman happy

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Fred Ashford for sending this joke.

    How to make a woman happy.
    A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE: A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a gardener, a homebuilder, a stylist, a diplomat, a provider, a sexologist, a gynaecologist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father,very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant, prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable and passionate.
    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: give her compliments, love shopping, be honest, be rich, not stress her out, and not look at other girls.
    AT THE SAME TIME: give her lots of attention, give her lots of space and never worry where she goes.
    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: Never to forget; birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.
    How to make a man happy:-
    Feed him, give him sex and leave him in peace!
    A fairly comprehensive list there, Fred. Like it........

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    Wednesday, 9 September 2009

    Joke - The wife's headaches are gone....

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending this joke.

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

    'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

    His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

    'Well, that's wonderful', proclaims the husband.

    His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

    Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

    The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up, her head spinning. 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

    Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying ..... 'She's not my wife She's not my wife She's not my wife'

    His funeral service will be held Saturday.

    Whoops!!! Thanks Jack, may there be many more - jokes that is....

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    Sunday, 6 September 2009

    Joke - The wallet thieves

    Bedlam - humour

    Thanks to Jack Chambers for this joke.


    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look, especially with all the rain we have been having.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

    On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

    So Be Warned!

    P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

    Love it, Jack. Thanks for sending it.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009

    Joke - The marriage therapist

    Bedlam - humour.

    John Evans has contacted me with another joke. Very good too.

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

    Very funny, John. Thanks.

    Friday, 4 September 2009

    Joke - The heart specialist's funeral

    Bedlam Humour.
    Fred Ashford has emailed yet another joke.
    One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

    When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

    Suddenly, one of the mourners started to titter with laughter.

    Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him glared and said, 'Why are you laughing? What do you find amusing?'

    'I was just wondering what will happen at my own funeral,' the man replied.

    'I'm a gynaecologist'

    Thanks Fred. Nice one...

    Joke - Little Billy wants to know.....

    Bedlam Humour

    Fred Ashford has sent this joke.
    Little Billy was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

    His grandmother, a little taken aback, but priding herself on being a forward thinking person, decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

    Little Billy frowned, but said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

    Lol... Thanks Fred. Any more???

    Next post on Bedlam.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009

    Joke - The lil' ole employment lady and the Texan

    Bedlam - humour.

    Thanks to Jack Chambers, for sending this.

    A Scruffy looking Texan, well known for his lazy ways and never having worked a day in his life, walked into the local employment office, marched straight up to the counter and said: 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

    The lil' ole lady behind the counter looked over the top of her glasses: 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.'


    'You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided, though.'

    The Texan whistled and thumbed his dirty shirt. 'That's amazing!'

    'The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year.'

    The Scruffy Texan straightened his shoulders: 'You're bullshitting me!'

    The lil' ole lady behind the counter smiled sweetly. 'Well you started it!'

    Another great joke from Jack. If you liked it, a thumbs up on Stumble to give some publicity would be terrific.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009

    Joke - How to get to heaven

    Bedlam Humour.

    Here's a joke from fellow writer, Mark Sadler. Mark, author of 'Blood on His Hands', describes himself as a Brit stranded in the Tucson desert.

    How to get to Heaven
    The sweet young Sunday-school teacher was testing children in her Dublin class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

    'NO!' the children answered.

    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, the answer was 'NO!'

    By now the sweet young thing was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, they all shouted out, 'NO!'

    She was just about bursting with pride for them, so continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

    A six year-old boy in the back of the room shouted out, "YUV’ GOTTA’ BE FOOK’N DEAD...."

    Good one Mark. Hope you find time to send in more.
    Next post on Bedlam.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009

    Joke - An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser

    Bedlam Humour.

    Jack Chambers is responsible for submitting this joke - and brilliant it is, too.
    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's A Miracle!'

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle'

    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit'.
    Great laugh! Thanks Jack.

    Next post on Bedlam.

    Stan Nicholls at Restaurant Paraiso, Parcent

    Bedlam - comment.

    It seems that word of one of my favourite eating places, is getting around.... Restaurant Paraiso, on the edge of the tiny inland village of Parcent on the Costa Blanca is to be visited by fantasy writer, Stan Nicholls.

    Stan Nicholls, author of numerous fantasy novels, is perhaps best known for the 'Orcs' series and 'Quicksilver' trilogy. The first two novel in the Orcs First Blood series, Bodyguard of Lightning and Legion of Thunder, received best novel nominations at the 1999 British Fantasy Awards - showing the esteem in which Stan Nicholls is held.

    So if you're in the area, you know where authors hang out.....