Monday, 29 November 2010

Mr. Cadbury -

Bedlam Humour

They say that great mind's think alike. Well Elsie Smith and Ed Goldstraw have both sent the same joke by email, so I guess they must have great minds.... My American friends might not appreciate this much, it's a typical British play on words using the names of UK chocolate bars and candy.
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. I’m Polo, the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand in her Snickers. He fondled her Flapjacks and she rubbed his Tictacs. It was a fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight..

But 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started 2 itch, turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

Thanks to you both, Great stuff....


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Sunday, 28 November 2010

The Member Of Parliament

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has emailed another joke

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page, on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...Now give me back my dog".

Great laugh, Elsie - and too true. Thanks for sending it.

Friday, 26 November 2010

That Last Olive -

Bedlam Chat

Had a few friends around last night for a meal - a great night - lasted until almost 4am.

There's nothing better than good friends, food and a wee dram or two - absolute heaven. Not feeling so bright now, though. It must have been that last olive....

Publishing a Novel - Use Your Author Appeal
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing

Thursday, 25 November 2010


Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me a wonderful piece of humour that I thought you might like to share.

What is a calorie?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
The truest thing you said, Ed. Thanks..... Very funny.

Publishing a Novel - Use Your Author Appeal
Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing

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Monday, 22 November 2010

The price of a hotel room - joke

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has emailed another joke, so it's a good start.

My wife and I were travelling by car from Liverpool to Shetland. Being Seniors, after almost seven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take an hotel room in Dundee . But, we only planned to sleep overnight and then get back on the road. When we checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed us a bill for £250.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast. The clerk told me that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that they were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Love it, Ed. Keep 'em coming.

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Monday, 15 November 2010

Two ladies in Lax

Bedlam - Humour

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has emailed another joke.

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"....

Brilliant, Elsie. Many thanks


Saturday, 13 November 2010

The Old Man And The Confessional

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw from Leek has emailed another joke.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old; I'm telling everybody!'

Thanks Ed. Great joke - loved it. I think I'd be bragging as well if I were in his place.

Free articles from ajbarnett

The Book Doctor - Edit And Revise Your Own Book
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Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Walking The Dog

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me yet another joke. The man is a mine of humour....

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Thanks Ed. Very funny. Keep on sending them.

Articles by ajbarnett
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Sunday, 7 November 2010


Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has been at it again - another email joke.

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many customers did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'


The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'


'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him a 4 x4.'

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... ' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Brilliant, Ed. Very funny.


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Saturday, 6 November 2010

Divorce and Men

Bedlam - Advice

The interval just after a divorce can be bewildering for a man. I know from personal experience. I’ve been there, done that, got the ‘T’ shirt and come out the other side. I was lucky enough to find the right woman in the right place at the right time... But it wasn't by accident.

Peer pressure can be a terrible thing for men after a divorce - you are susceptible. Don’t fall for it. Don’t listen to bar-room talk and barrack-room lawyers when you have a glass of beer in your hand. Most of your peers will have no experience of what they are talking about and have no empathy with your situation.

For more, read: Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too


Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Senior Citizens

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another funny quip.
Senior citizens are constantly being criticised for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behaviour,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

For your next Kindle read, why not try a book of Short Stories

Next post - Bedlam Humour: Sara Pipalini