Doctors Orders

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we
should always finish things that we start.

Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to
find things I'd started but hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu
has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.
An telum u luvum

The Handsome Man

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Elsie Smith of Leek in Staffordshire

A handsome Lebanese was sitting in a posh restaurant in the States. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy corner.

Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, 'Excuse me lady, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the Lebanese decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:  'Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Spain , Aspen & Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, even for a woman as beautiful as you are, I am not going to cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back pls.'  

Champagne or Wine?

Bedlam Humour This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw: On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.  The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a beautiful basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a huge, pretty box of assorted candy.  Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No" the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked "Champagne?" "No" said the little boy............."It's a puppy!" Great laugh, Ed. Thanks - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection Next post - Bedlam Humour: Vive la Difference

An Elderly Navajo Woman

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent another joke.

    THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 For all women who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?', asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....' 

Turning water into wine....

Bedlam Humour

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Real Costa Blanca - Exploring The Real Spain
Lens Coating - What Everybody Ought To Know
Writing Story Dialogue - 12 Cool Secrets
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I'm grateful to my friend John Evans for sending me these pearls of wisdom. I thought you might like to share them.




To my friends

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't. Ben Franklin once said, "In wine, there is wisdom, in beer, there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink just ONE litre of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more that a kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - the bacteria found in faeces.

It would seem when drinking water we are consuming a kilo of shit.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or spirit or liqueur) because alcohol goes through a purification process of boiling, filtration and fermentation.

So remember:

• Water = Shit
• Wine = Health

Never being one to force my opinion on others, you must make up your own mind, is it better to drink wine and talk stupid or drink water and be full of shit?

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service!

• Next post on Bedlam

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How To Describe - Mastering Descriptive Writing
To Write A Story - 20 Ways To Write A Story Better
Story Characters - 7 Cool Ways To Jump-Start Your Writing

End of post - Turning water into wine....

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