Pictures from Benidorm Festival

Bedlam Humour

Pictures from Benidorm Festivals

And fun was had by all

Short Moments

Bedlam Humour

1.      Those few SHORT MOMENTS made me worried for you -

1.       

Bedlam Humour: The Old Doberman

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther. I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the panther, "That was close. That old Doberman nearly had me!"
 
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
 
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers for a few short moments, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .........
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
 
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bedlam Humour: ZEN TEACHINGS

Bedlam Humour

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

Bedlam Humour: The Pervert

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow has sent another joke

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the football. Who shall I say is calling?"

Ice Water Challenge

Wasting Water

Okay silly celebs. Now you've had your fun and gained a gazillion exposures on your favourite media outlet to show the world how much you care.....

Now have a thought about what wasting water on silly pranks means to people who live without clean, fresh water.

Think about Africa..... No... don't even go so far... think about Spain.

The amount you squander in a stupid prank that only brings exposure to YOU, would actually save lives in places where water is precious. Water is a commodity we cannot survive without, yet you treat it like a throw-away item. Try doing without for a few days before you think about throwing it away....

Think!!!!

The Hillbilly Farmer

This is yet another joke from Joyce Critchlow.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged unmercifully. From morning 'til night she complained. The only time he found relief was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.

One day, when he was ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
 
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. 

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

An Amazing Transparent Butterfly

Bedlam Humour

Sorry, guilty as charged - but I just had to steal this picture from Sustentator's photo  of an amazing, transparent winged butterfly, called Greta Oto, which is found in Mexico and Central America.

YESTERDAY by AJ Barnett is #1 Best Seller in it's category

Bedlam

YESTERDAY is number 1 Best Seller in it's category

Bedlam Humour: One way of fixing a road

Bedlam Humour

One way of fixing a road

Bedlam Humour: The Church Organist

Bedlam Humour

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. 

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" 

The pastor fainted.

Bedlam Humour: Praying Mantis

Bedlam Humour

I love this about Praying Mantis

Bedlam Humour: Dorothy and Edna

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critclow has sent another joke

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks."

Dorothy: "Did you enjoy it?"

Edna: Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Bedlam Humour: Is that a commode?

Bedlam Humour

Bedlam Humour: Aussie Gamblers

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Joyce Critchlow

Aussie Gamblers:

Bob a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on.. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Bedlam Humour: The Speed of Life

Bedlam Humour

The Speed of Life

Bedlam Humour: I Need a Raise

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent in this joke

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down-turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company....

Bedlam Humour: The Most Common Side Effect

Bedlam Humour

The most common side effect

Bedlam Humour: Am I Going Senile

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent by Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales


Am I going senile?

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom.”
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

Bedlam Humour: video of woman robbed in street interview

Bedlam Humour

Thinking of going to Rio for the World Cup?

You might want to think again. Catch this video of a woman being interviewed about street robbery in Rio - and then being robbed while she is being interviewed....

Bedlam Humour: Loose Girl

Bedlam Humour

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Bedlam Humor: Still Celebrating

Bedlam Humour

Here's yet another joke from Joyce Critchlow

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Bedlam Humour: The Irish Priest

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow has sent another joke

An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "To be considered for priesthood you must answer three questions on the Bible". First - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"Second - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"Third question - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them - now when do I start?"

Bedlam Humour: Sugar Diabetes

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from Joyce Critchlow

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, I'm afraid you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “No problem. Nice one, when do I fight him?”

Bedlam Humour: the beach at Calpe

Bedlam Humour

The beach at Calpe, Spain - about 20 minutes from where we live. A good place to relax and watch the world go by.

Bedlam Humour: I Play Bowls

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow has sent another joke

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays .....

But on Tuesdays ,Thursdays and Fridays I play bowls ...

Bedlam Humour: Sex at 82

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by John Evans from Alcalali , Spain

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox,informing me that I can have sex at 82

I'm so happy, because I live at 74____ So It's not far for me to walk home afterwards

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Garage Door

Bedlam Humour: The Garage Door

Bedlam Humour

This is another joke from Joyce Critchlow

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Mick and Paddy

Bedlam Humour: Mick and Paddy

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow has sent another funny joke -

Walter died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Mm, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, it ain't Wally.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body. Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Well, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Wally'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Walter had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, Paddy said But everybody used to say: 'There's Wally with them two arseholes.'

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Silk Pyjamas

Bedlam Humour: The Fisherman and Silk Pyjamas

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Joyce Critchlow, Newcastle under Lyme

A man calls home to his wife on a Thursday and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing trip. We'll be gone for a long weekend, and we'll be staying at a lodge near a river. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic."

"That's nice for you"

"We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office, and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas and robe."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike; but why didn't you pack my silk pajamas and robe like I asked you to do?”

The wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box!"

MORAL: Never, Never, Never, try to outsmart a woman!!!
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: illegal immigrants

Bedlam Humour: illegal immigrants

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent in this joke

News Flash from the English coastal area

The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France. 

 Another surprise finding was that the boats were loaded with British nationals, all seniors of pension age. Their claim being that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. 

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. 

We are booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

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Bedlam Humour: The Scottish Lass and a Rottweiler

Bedlam Humour

This is another joke from Jack Chamber from Benigembla, Spain

It was the weekend of the Scotland V England rugby International at Murrayfield. As the crowds assembled in the City of Edinburgh and prepared to take their way to Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards a bonny wee eight year old Scottish lass, its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in blue jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from The Scotsman who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now …………. 'Scottish Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now ……. 'Brave Heart Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Scottish; I'm from London,’

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now …….. 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..

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Bedlam Humour: Old is Great

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers from Benigembla on the Costa Blanca sent this joke

Old is Great

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

And so say all of us !!!

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: A Dilemma

Bedlam Humour: A Dilemma

Bedlam Humour

Here's yet another joke from John Evans from the lovely village of Alcalali, on the Costa Blanca.

A student asked his English professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that....... 

Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.... who are you going to turn your back on?"

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: without wheels

Bedlam Humour: Without Wheels

Bedlam Humour

I love this shot


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Bedlam Humour: a simple explanation

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from John Evans

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in- law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there would be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail."

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: When you grow up

Bedlam Humour: When You Grow Up

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by John Evans, from Alcalali, Spain

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd form: What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit a golf ball 400 yards, and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Mayfair, a Chateau in the Dordogne, a jet to travel anywhere she wants, a Gold Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 

..... "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore!"

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Poor lady dying

Bedlam Humour: This poor lady is dying

Bedlam Humour

In our Xalo garden, Costa Blanca This poor lady is dying

Bloody red palm-weevils got at it. We tried treatment but were too late. You could hear the damn things chewing inside the trunk.

It has now been chopped down and destroyed - ah!

We loved it

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Bedlam Humour: Chickens

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Joyce Critchlow

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant said, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

Bedlam Humour: Sexual Exhaustion

Bedlam Humour

Joyce Critchlow sent in this joke

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Love

Bedlam Humour: Now THIS is love

Bedlam Humour

 Now THIS is love

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Next post: Bedlam Humour: Moraira

Bedlam Humour - Moraira Promenade

Bedlam Humour

Another shot of Moraira, the promenade this time - one of my favourite places

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Recent Studies

Bedlam Humour: Recent Studies

Bedlam Humour

Recently posted by Jaz Izard - I love it



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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Cab Driver

Bedlam Humour: The Cab Driver

Bedlam Humour

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Next Level

BedlamHumour: The Next Level

Bedlam Humour

Love this, not mine, found it on 'Slippery Slope'

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/slippery_slope.png  

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Job Application

Bedlam Humour: Job Application

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Bedlam Humour: One Hell of a Moth...

Bedlam Humour

One hell of a moth...



One shit-ugly fish


both these photos are from http://www.viralforest.com/17-animals-must-see-believe/ 

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Moraira

Bedlam Humour: Moraira Castle by the sea

Bedlam Humour

Moraira Castle with views over the harbour - had many a beer at this place while contemplating life and it's complex meanings.... well just enjoying the beer then...

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Next Post - Bedlam Humour: Beach

Bedlam Humour: The beach at Moraira

Bedlam Humour

The beach at Moraira, Costa Blanca, Spain. About 30 minutes from where I live - one of my favourite spots

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Ladies on a bus

Ladies on a Bus

Bedlam Humour

Another joke from my good friend John Evans in Alcalali, Alicante Province, Spain.

Two old ladies playing bingo in the hall. One old lady asks the other old lady "Did you come on the bus"

"Yes" she replied "but I made out it was an asthma  attack"  

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Elephant's trunk

Like an Elephant's Trunk

Bedlam Humour

Just LOVE this elephant shot...

 

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Moraira

Bedlam Humour - a shot of Moraira

Bedlam Humour

A shot of Moraira - a local resort. We love it there

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Lady's Prayer

The Lady's Prayer

Bedlam Humour

This joke is yet another one from Joyce Critchlow - many thanks

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. And my favourite singer Whitney Houston, and my favourite scientist Patrick Moore.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, John Bercow, & David Cameron.''

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Exasperated Mother

Bedlam Humour: The Exasperated Mother

Bedlam Humour

Yet another joke from Joyce Critchlow in the UK - - Thanks Joyce.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven behaving like that?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

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Bedlam Humour: A Drink of Water

Bedlam Humour

Another joke from Joyce Critchlow in the UK

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Daaad....'

 'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Pissing on the cat

Pissing on the Cat

Bedlam Humour

This joke is another one from Joyce Critchlow

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat is dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Sugarbrown's daughter

Bedlam Humour: Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Joyce Critchlow in the UK

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

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The Redhead got it Right

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent to me by Joyce Critchlow.

David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was: "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the pensioners; then you can have it for free, just like everything immigrants get".

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