Nuns Are Married to God

Bedlam Humour

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a shopping centre. The security guards called 112 when they saw him collapse to the floor. 

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. 

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.  

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank."  

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the now irritated nun. 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 

The nun became agitated at that and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A little humour

Bedlam Humour


Here's another joke from Joyce and Roy Critchlow

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
And then of course there was the thief who stole a calendar who got twelve months.

Legal but not Logical, Logical but not Legal

Bedlam Humour

A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor's surprise and embarrassment, several students raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a beautiful 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover who wants to marry her, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam, but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

The Monkey that Ate Everything

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent this joke

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. 

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. 

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Sex Hypnotist

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from John and Maureen Evans from Alcalali, Spain.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been  having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' 

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 

' I do not have a headache  I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' 

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. 

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' 

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.  

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' 

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims. 

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife ' 

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 WHEN....

Bedlam Humour

This is yet another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in year. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list

Did You Know About This

Bedlam Humour

Here is another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow, of Newcastle under Lyme

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
------------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

The Heart Attack and the Nun

Bedlam Humour


This joke was kindly sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow, of Newcastle-under-Lyme.


You don't have to be a Roman Catholic to appreciate this

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a shopping centre. The security guards called 112 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?"  

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the now irritated nun. 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. 

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Young Bride

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow. Hope you like it

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

" No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, " What's wrong with your knees ? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees ."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...
. . . . .er . . .SMALLCOX ? ? ?

I Can't Look That Old

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

Well...... You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered: a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.

'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked

He answered, ‘in 1965’. Why do you ask?

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-arsed, grey-haired, decrepit, bastard asked..........  'What subject did you teach?'

Newspaper Adverts

Bedlam Humour

This is from Joyce and Roy Critchlow, Newcastle under Lyme

Genuine classified advertisements which were placed in UK newspapers
Free - Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little b......! Bites.
Free - puppies. Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour’s dog.

Free - puppies. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

For sale - Heifers, never bred. Also one gay bull.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer, £100.

Wedding dress for sale. Worn once by mistake.

For sale by owner - complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

The Greek Mayor

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from Gina and Malcolm Shenton of North Wales

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied, “No”.

Bolton School Registration

Bedlam Humour

Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales, sent this joke...

Registration on first day back at school in Bolton..........................
The teacher says, "Ahmed Al Sheriah"
"Here Miss"
"Mustafa Al Sheriah "
"Here Miss"
"Fatima El Bindiri "
"Here miss"
"Ali Acmah Shabeeb "
"Here Miss"
"Ali Sun Al En "
no answer
"Ali Sun Al En "

A little girl in a frilly floral dress stands up, hands on hips, chin thrust forward, and says............... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for fuck's sake."

Tickle Me Elmo

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so they march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. 

At the end of the line Lena is surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Police Really Do Care

Bedlam Humour

Joyce and Roy Critchlow sent in this joke

The Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on his T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.

The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Silence In Court

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Gina and Malcolm Shenton, in North Wales

Silence in court

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A Neat Selection

Bedlam Humour

These jokes were sent in by Fred Ashford

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That's easy" he said "Popeye knocked hell out of them!!"

50 Shades of Golf

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. But, this Year, two days before the group is to leave, John's wife, Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! 
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

Sooooo... Here I am!

Looking for Yesterday

Bedlam

Looking for Yesterday

Available from Amazon....

  Yesterday

Pictures from Benidorm Festival

Bedlam Humour

Pictures from Benidorm Festivals

And fun was had by all