The Hillbilly Farmer

This is yet another joke from Joyce Critchlow.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged unmercifully. From morning 'til night she complained. The only time he found relief was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.

One day, when he was ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
 
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. 

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

The Italian Funeral

Bedlam Humour

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.. Until ....

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Trust....

Bedlam Humour

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello....'

The Penis Enlarger

Bedlam Humour

Here are another couple of jokes from the batch that Jack Chambers sent:

The wife suggested her husband got one of those penis enlargers, so he did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Lol - love 'em, Jack. Thanks.
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Dear Wife

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent me this joke. Hope you like it.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Brilliant Ed. Love it.


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The Husband Store

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me another joke... and I love it...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new Husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

1. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
   
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going...

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor... There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex... The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lol, Ed. What we've all suspected but never put into words......



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The Wife From Hell - joke

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent another joke by email

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar-detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking!!'

Love it, Elsie. Thanks.


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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke sent in by the infamous Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.'

'So what has that got to do with anything?'

'Well, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.'

'So?'

'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.'

The wife pulled a face. 'Cheeky beggar.'

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. - and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

'You're stalling.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Love it, Ed. Thanks.

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