Trust....

Bedlam Humour

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello....'

The Penis Enlarger

Bedlam Humour

Here are another couple of jokes from the batch that Jack Chambers sent:

The wife suggested her husband got one of those penis enlargers, so he did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Lol - love 'em, Jack. Thanks.
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Dear Wife

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent me this joke. Hope you like it.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Brilliant Ed. Love it.


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The Husband Store

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me another joke... and I love it...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new Husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

1. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
   
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going...

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor... There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex... The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lol, Ed. What we've all suspected but never put into words......



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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke sent in by the infamous Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.'

'So what has that got to do with anything?'

'Well, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.'

'So?'

'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.'

The wife pulled a face. 'Cheeky beggar.'

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. - and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

'You're stalling.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Love it, Ed. Thanks.

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