I Can't Look That Old

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

Well...... You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered: a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.

'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked

He answered, ‘in 1965’. Why do you ask?

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-arsed, grey-haired, decrepit, bastard asked..........  'What subject did you teach?'

Doctors Orders

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we
should always finish things that we start.

Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to
find things I'd started but hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu
has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.
An telum u luvum

Newspaper Adverts

Bedlam Humour

This is from Joyce and Roy Critchlow, Newcastle under Lyme

Genuine classified advertisements which were placed in UK newspapers
Free - Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little b......! Bites.
Free - puppies. Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour’s dog.

Free - puppies. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

For sale - Heifers, never bred. Also one gay bull.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer, £100.

Wedding dress for sale. Worn once by mistake.

For sale by owner - complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

The Greek Mayor

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from Gina and Malcolm Shenton of North Wales

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied, “No”.

Bolton School Registration

Bedlam Humour

Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales, sent this joke...

Registration on first day back at school in Bolton..........................
The teacher says, "Ahmed Al Sheriah"
"Here Miss"
"Mustafa Al Sheriah "
"Here Miss"
"Fatima El Bindiri "
"Here miss"
"Ali Acmah Shabeeb "
"Here Miss"
"Ali Sun Al En "
no answer
"Ali Sun Al En "

A little girl in a frilly floral dress stands up, hands on hips, chin thrust forward, and says............... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for fuck's sake."

Tickle Me Elmo

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so they march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. 

At the end of the line Lena is surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Police Really Do Care

Bedlam Humour

Joyce and Roy Critchlow sent in this joke

The Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on his T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.

The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Silence In Court

Bedlam Humour

This joke is from Gina and Malcolm Shenton, in North Wales

Silence in court

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A Neat Selection

Bedlam Humour

These jokes were sent in by Fred Ashford

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That's easy" he said "Popeye knocked hell out of them!!"

The Automatic Machine...

Bedlam

This joke is another from Joyce and Roy Critchlow.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, and he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. 

 When the fun was over, he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Questions that Need Answering

Bedlam

Joyce and Roy Critchlow have sent another funny joke

Questions that Need Answering

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

The Liverpool Girl

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready, or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

***

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

The Aged Bridegroom

Bedlam

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme

Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old... since her new husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert.

Somewhat surprised, Susan consents. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for action. And, once more they enjoy each other.

As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, dementia has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this already?

I Presume

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton from North Wales

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and  I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”

The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea
what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”

Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read.”

Nokia Lumia Update

Bedlam

Do you know, I'm fed up of the silly update game imposed by Microsoft. September last year, while on holiday in the UK, I decided to venture into the world of smartphones and was guided towards a Windows Phone.

Okay, I'm a diehard conservative as far as high tech is concerned. I was probably the last person in Spain to get a mobile at all... but peer pressure from my OH pushed me towards a sparkling new phone.

I didn't want to spend too much, so picked up a Lumia 630 unlocked phone. To be honest, I thought (and still think) it's very good. It has a lot of inbuilt goodies that I never dreamed possible.

After a month or so, news filtered through of a terrific update that would bring thrills to all. It promised to be all things to all people and would be rolled out from Microsoft during the last quarter of 2014. I couldn't believe that I was to be at the forefront of such an amazing piece of technology

Utter twaddle. I checked every day and the update never put in an appearance. Three months later, I still check every day and it still hasn't put in an appearance.

Mr. Micrsoft, your handling of this great occasion has been abysmal. You have customers by the million, hanging by their teeth, waiting for your indulgence. You have failed us all miserably.

May I speak for everyone by saying we are mightily fed up of your procrastination. You should not have forewarned us of such a great event. You should have kept your mouth shut until it was imminent. 

GET YOUR FINGER OUT and roll out this update as soon as possible.

The Shy Australian Blonde

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Gina and Malcolm Shenton, from North Wales

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. ​ He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. ​ The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.... "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

50 Shades of Golf

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. But, this Year, two days before the group is to leave, John's wife, Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! 
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

Sooooo... Here I am!

Looking for Yesterday

Bedlam

Looking for Yesterday

Available from Amazon....

  Yesterday