A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant said, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Two old ladies playing bingo in the hall. One old lady asks the other old lady "Did you come on the bus"
"Yes" she replied "but I made out it was an asthma attack"
In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. And my favourite singer Whitney Houston, and my favourite scientist Patrick Moore.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, John Bercow, & David Cameron.''
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven behaving like that?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Daaad....'
'What?'------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat is dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'-----------------------------------------------------------------
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "£200".
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£100".
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was: "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the pensioners; then you can have it for free, just like everything immigrants get".