Bedlam Humour

A Suffolk woman has been ordered to decorate the outside of her white, listed cottage - and it's got to be PINK.
Holly Bellingham was told by council bullyboys, that she must 'maintain the character' of the 15th century building, in Lavenham, Suffolk. BLOODY PINK? I ask you!
She’s reluctantly agreed, but when asked, commented that the order risked turning the beautiful village into a 'medieval Disneyland', and I couldn't agree more.
The overbearing council said it wanted the cottages to be the same colour because they used to be part of a single building. A council spokesman pleaded: "We have written to Mrs Bellingham, requesting that she complies with the listed building consent. Our aim is to ensure numbers 7 to 9 Water Street, have the same pale pink exterior colourwash, as this was originally one building, to distinguish them from the adjoining properties."
Distinguish them? Make them bloody outstanding I should think. I think this is a case of heavy-handed bureaucrats pushing their weight around.
Why does power, always seem to attract stupid bastards that want to force their opinions on the unsuspecting public? The answer lies in our hands. VOTE THEM OUT!
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER THAN WOMEN
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
Ever wondered why the little bastards don’t bug you? Ever smirked because your friend is bitten when you’re not.
It ain’t down to your bubbly personality, my friend. It’s your teeth stuff.
Listerine mouthwash is being flaunted as the latest hi-tech defence against the blood-sucking little shits. Mosquitoes are the bane of our lives …. Well most insects are.
Apparently there’s a plague of the varmints says naturalist Terry Sprague. "It seems to be because of the additional rain," he said. “Water laying in fields and other areas that would normally be dry are excellent breeding grounds for mosquitoes.”
Sprague admitted, that he had no idea where using mouthwash to repel mosquitoes came from. "You spray it on your person," he said. "I am not sure what the active ingredient is."
Listerine does contain eucalyptus, and the herb thyme, two proven mosquito repellents – but does it matter?
As long as it works – great. Pass the mouthwash dear, the bastards are buzzing!
Oscar Mayer, which is fighting Ball Park Franks to become the top supplier in the nation, says it’s changed the formula for its products to make them "zestier and meatier."
Here are those "zestier, meatier" components:- mechanically separated turkey, pork, and mechanically separated chicken.
To this mechanically separated garbage, Oscar Mayer add water, salt, flavour, sodium lactate, corn syrup, sodium phosphates, dextrose, sodium diacetate, sodium erythorbate and sodium nitrite….
When I was younger, I recall being told by a butcher that they never put in pies what they can sell over the counter. It seems this industry goes one step further:- Sell what you can over the counter, what you can’t, put in pies, what’s left, the filth, mechanically grunge it until it’s unrecognisable, mix it with further shit, then sell it as burgers and dogs. YUCK!
It seems burgers are the absolute SHIT end of the meat chain. Do YOU eat burgers?
The attitude in Spanish supermarkets pisses me off. Maybe I have bad experiences, but surely they can't ALL be like that? Do supermarkets deliberately choose ignorant bastards. Maybe it's self perpetuating, maybe ignorance begets ignorance!
Take note Mr. Supermarket Manager ... The first supermarket to have pleasant, helpful staff will sweep the rest of you away. Take a leaf from British companies, The Customer Is Always Right!