Joke - UK Tax Guidance

Bedlam

Ed Goldstraw sent another joke:

UK TAX GUIDANCE
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Buying beer or whisky, or

5) Get yourself a tattoo, or

6) Visit a bookie.

These are the only UK businesses still operating in the UK!

Conclusion:

Be patriotic… go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
No need to thank me… I'm just glad I could be of help!

The Taxman is Here

Bedlam - Humour

Here's another joke from Ed Goldstraw

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts anyway!
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his car, Tax his fuel, Find other ways to tax the fool.
Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers; Then tax him more, Tax him till he's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid.
When he's gone, Do not relax, It's time to apply The inheritance tax.

List of Tax we Pay

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

Thanks Ed. What in the "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'lying parasite politicians wasting our money'? Then, there are bank charges...

Regus leaves Britain, Darling to blame.

Regus becomes the third business this week to declare that it is to move out of the country because of taxes. Asset manager Henderson and engineer Charter are relocating to Ireland where the tax regime is business oriented and Regus is transfering to Luxembourg.

10 years of Labour control, has left us with some of the highest business tax rates in Europe. I’m a mere working class lad, but I can see quite clearly that Labour are ruining us – I wish they were called something other than Labour. The name carries connotations of belonging to the working class – WRONG – it is a misconception brought about, and nurtured, quite deliberately by spin-doctors.

It pisses me off to see our great nation going down the drain. First Incapability Brown (as chancellor) made paupers out of pensioners – now Darling makes a pig’s ear of the business sector. What else is left? We are now a nation grasping for straws. We are drowning in shit.

Without business, we are well and truly shafted! Every man and his dog (except Labour dogs), understands this quite clearly.

In a letter to Alistair Darling (Labour chancellor), George Osbourne (shadow chancellor), says that the decision by service provider Regus to leave, is more evidence of the damage done by the confusion caused over the business tax regime.

Come on Darling. Extract your finger from your arse and let someone who understands what life is about, take over – oh, and whilst you’re at it, take Incapability Brown with you.

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