Census Form

Bedlam Humour   


Ed Goldstraw has sent this amusing email. (In the UK you can be fined for not filling in the census form).

They sent my Census form back!

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put, 'Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS,  half of f****ng Europe, North Africa and the Middle East.

Apparently, although true, this was not an acceptable answer 

Very funny, Ed. I like it. 

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Seamus and Murphy Are Broke

Bedlam Humour

Fred Ashford has sent this joke

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have much money between them. In fact they could only raise the sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money Left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember Which pub I lost the sausage in.'  

Lol - Great stuff, Fred, thanks. Keep on sending 'em...

Catholic Heart Attack

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent in a joke. First one for a while from him.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. 

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' 

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.' 

Great one, Jack. Keep 'em rolling... 

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Romantic Suspense